What kind of gifted person do you want to be?

Who do you want to be?

I posed this question a few years ago. A strange question, I know. After all, we are who we are. 

Yet, as a gifted person, you might relish the fruits of your powerful mind or creativity or intensity or even your multipotentiality – or you might resent being gifted and view it as a burden. Either way, you are no more responsible for your intellectual strengths than for your eye color. Right?

Well... perhaps you do have some control. 

Many studies suggest that despite the heritability of intelligence, we all are affected by our environment... the impact of pollution, nutrition, early childhood deprivation, trauma, poverty, and the quality of the education we received. There are lucky folks among us who seem to have hit the lottery; a smooth, easy ride through childhood, the absence of trauma, and supportive families and teachers. 

The rest of us... well, we have struggled. Or our giftedness remained hidden or misunderstood. Or we never fully reached our potential.

What path will you choose going forward?

In the aftermath of the recent US election (something I wrote about eight years ago!), gifted folks face questions about the next steps forward:

• How do I calm my overwrought nervous system? 
• How do I comfort my children/friends/family while my anxiety is reeling? 
• How do I respond to the divisiveness in our county?
• Where can I best offer my energy?

As folks regroup, lick their wounds (or bask in their election win), we all need to figure out how to coalesce as a Nation. And who is better prepared to tackle the next four years than those who think deeply and creatively, and can hold/understand/wrestle with the many complexities of the situation?

As a psychologist, writer, parent, and fellow traveler along this life journey, I have encountered many gifted folks. Some enthusiastically embrace life, learning, and their amazing potential. Others suppress and hide their talents and abilities. Still, others feel bitter and angry over lost opportunities and a world that misunderstands their intensity and differences. 

You, as a gifted person, are entitled to take charge of your life and utilize your talents and abilities!

Your passionate engagement with what is meaningful is the best possible use of your inherent strengths. Even if you have endured trauma or a lackluster education. Even if you have been bullied or never feel quite like you fit in. Even if you make mistakes and are far from perfect. Regardless of whether you are 15 or 50 - you deserve to embrace your strengths and challenge yourself to expand your reach. 

For those whose candidate lost the election, give yourself time to grieve, commiserate and rest. Then, consider your path forward and how/when/where to direct your unique talents. Educate yourselves, volunteer, write, lead, create, and stay productive. Find a topic that concerns you most and get involved. For example, with proposed plans to dismantle the Department of Education, special services your child receives through an IEP or GIEP may be at stake. 

But find a cause that speaks to your heart and jump in. Your depth, complexity, and critical thinking skills are needed more than ever.

Poet Mary Oliver's wonderful quote applies here: 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

What will you do? What kind of gifted person will you become? How will you tackle the challenges ahead?

This blog post is also published on Substack.

A Back-to-School Checklist for Parents of Gifted and Twice-exceptional Children

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional (2e) children are tasked with a somewhat different back-to-school checklist than other parents. Yes, the backpack, lunchbox, and basic school supplies are on the list. But parents of gifted kids bear additional challenges that come with the territory.

Here is a checklist for some of the tasks ahead:

____1. Set up that IEP meeting as soon as possible.

Once your child is settled into school, revisit their IEP, GIEP, or 504 plan (examples of terms used to denote special services for students who qualify due to a disabiity or gifted cognitive abilities). What worked last year may not work now. Make sure a meeting is in place – even to touch base about how/when/where your child will receive the support they need. Advocacy efforts, unfortunately, fall on you, since many professionals lack sufficient knowledge about giftedness or overlook gifted or twice-exceptional needs. And if you reside in an area without mandates for gfited education or your child attends a private school, set up a meeting with whomever is in charge of education support.

____2. Search for activities outside of school that support and feed your child's intense interests. 

Look for activities where they can thrive outside of the bounds of the traditional classroom, hone their skills, and where they might find true peers. Many times, these activities spark their passion and allow them to envision their future selves. Some examples include a film-making class, theatre, gymnastics, chess, or math leagues. Of course, keep within your budget. Many activities are low cost; you just have to search for them.

____3. Consider what evaluations or supports your child needs.

If your child has not received a cognitive or neuropsychological evaluation, approach your school for the next step. If gifted identification is mandated where you live, the school can provide testing. (If not, you will need to search for a private evaluation.) Supports can include any resources that help your child thrive, such as a reading specialist, occupational therapist, licensed mental health professional, or tutor. 

____4. Search for extra-curricular activities unrelated to your child's giftedness.

Sometimes stretching themselves to try something new and different (and perhaps difficult) can open your child's eyes to other possibilities. It also builds resilience. When my kids were in elementary school, for example, they were expected to pick one sport and one musical instrument. Activities unrelated to school or their giftedness broaden their horizons and offer new perspectives. Hyperfocus isn't everything!

____5. Start planning for the following year.

School may have just started, but think ahead to what your child might need going forward. Are they transitioning into middle school or high school next year? Do you need to advocate for grade or subject acceleration or more opportunities for ability grouping? Would they beneift from a different school or summer activity where their talents will flourish? Start your search early, as some programs, schools, or specialty camps fill up quickly. 

____6. If your child is in high school, start thinking about college

Learning more about college options, financial aid, and the best college fit for your child is essential.  Gather information about what will boost your child's options, such as a good score on the PSATs, classes focused on SAT prep, or dual enrollment at a college (see more about college planning here).  Identifying a college that can provide support for students with twice-exceptional conditions also may be relevant. Even if the school has a college counselor on site, you still know your child best and need to be involved with the college search.

____7. Encourage opportunities for personal and developmental growth.

Identify areas of growth that will help your child thrive. This might include a goal to work on social skills (encouraging your shy child to attend more social activities), developing improved executive functioning skills, such as planning and time management (skills that many gifted kids never develop when school is too easy), or using their gifts to help others. Incorporate family values, such as generosity and integrity, and encourage them, for example, to shovel snow for an elderly neighbor or volunteer at an animal shelter. Psychologist and author Steven Pfeiffer descibes character strengths that are essentail for enhancing emotional intelligence – something that many gifted children lack. Help them set goals that are just as important as academics.

____8. Pay attention to their social well-being.

Focus on what will support your child best with social and emotional struggles. Even the most well-adjusted, socially-connected child goes through tough times. But gifted and 2e children often have greater difficulty finding a friend who truly gets them. If your child is young, it may fall on you to set up playdates, with an eye toward encouraging time spent with peers who relate well to your child. If they are older, though, you can still offer some guidance. For example, if your child is anxious, they may require some encouragement and even goal-setting to ensure that they attend social events. If your child is highly sensitive, they may benefit from strategies that support them in stressful social situations. Sometimes, working with the school counselor, school psychologist, or a licensed mental health counselor can help.

____9. All A's are not necessarily a sign of success.

Some gifted children breeze through school, but never learn how to endure challenges or develop executive functioning skills. They assume that challenges should be easy and may avoid anything that is difficult. Underachievement can take many forms, and can be masked when your child seems to excel. Working with your child's teacher or gifted supervisor may help. They may benefit from specific tasks that require greater effort or work on developing planning and goal-setting strategies. If your child is perfectionistic, they may benefit from a grade-free option (sometimes available in elementary schools) where they work on a portfolio that showcases their progress rather than a targeted grade. 

___ 10. Pay attention to your own health and wellbeing.

Raising a gifted or 2e child is a joy, but also quite demanding. As I mentioned throughout my book about parenting gifted children, the parent's self-awareness and attention to their own needs is essential, along with developing a support network of friends, family, and parents of other gifted kids who can navigate this journey with you. When you feel strong, clear about your parenting role, and supported by others, you are better equipped to offer the support and guidance your child needs.

Wishing you well for the upcoming school year!

Related blog posts and articles

For parents:

Five tips for communicating with your gifted child's teacher

When your gifted or twice-exceptional child does not fit in: Six tips for parents

What happens when gifted kids coast through school?

Ten college planning tips: What families of gifted children need to know

Are AP classes good (or bad) for gifted students?

How parents' expectations affect their gifted child

Gifted advocacy is an education

For teachers:

First, do no harm: Nine tactics that teachers of gifted students should avoid

Three essential tips for teachers of gifted children

Intelligence denied: When gifted children's abilities are ignored

And, from psychotherapist and author, Paula Prober:

Quick back-to-school guide for teachers of gifted kids

Image: Pexels/Freestockpro

Explaining your child's quirky, neurodivergent, and just plain gifted behaviors to others

Your child is gifted, quirky, filled with curiosity, and quite different from the kids most folks encounter. 

How do you explain your child's giftedness or neurodivergence to others? How can you enlist understanding from teachers, school administrators, and other parents in your community?

You have likely encountered what I have seen as well – the side-eye glances, the puzzled expressions, the reprimands to be less... just less. You may have experienced heartbreak when your child was rejected once again or became disillusioned with learning when school seemed so boring and rote. You may have bristled when school administrators offerred platitudes about gifted programming (a pull-out program for one hour a week!) and casually eradicated any semblence of meaningful learning so that "the other kids don't feel bad" when your child receives some additional challenging instruction. 

Here are some possible steps toward supporting and protecting your child from the misguided attitudes you both encounter.

1. First, get grounded in what you know to be true.

Consume information. Collect data. Revise. Repeat. 

Read everything you can find about giftedness, twice-exceptionalities, and gifted education. But choose reliable sources. Google Scholar is a good place to start. Other sources also have archives of information, such as Hoagie's Gifted Education or the Davidson Institute. Consider joining some social media sites for parents of the gifted or twice-exceptional, but keep in mind that opinions are subjective and you may not always find accurate, unbiased information. Ask professionals familiar with giftedness for advice (such as your pediatrician, a trusted teacher, or the psychologist who tested your child). 

But most of all, gain clarity about your child, who they are, and what they need. Generalizations about giftedness, neurodiversity, and learning approaches may not apply. Understanding and attunement to your unique child is essential.

2. Assume ignorance rather than malice. 

Yes, some adults behave badly and target your child for being different. Most people (even some gifted folks) don't understand giftedness or hold a bias against it, conflating giftedness with achievement or dedicated practice or privilege. 

In reality, these biases and misconceptions contribute to a profound deficit in gifted educational resources. Many gifted students are overlooked. This is especially true for persons of color, English Language Learners, or those living in poverty. Those children whose astute and well-meaning teachers recognize their gifted abilities still may not receive the education they desperately need. Most teachers are swamped with competing demands and may assume (fingers crossed) that the gifted child "will do just fine" without their input – especially when they are juggling a classroom full of typically developing, special needs, or behaviorally challenged students. They kick the can down the road and hope your child will find their way. 

3. Consider strategies for tactfully and clearly explaining your child's behaviors, quirks, and intellectual needs. 

Your child grasps some information quickly, but unfortunately, can be impatient. Your child shows signs of asynchronous development, where their maturity lags behind their abilities. Your child has occasional meltdowns when faced with certain situations; they are still learning how to regulate and manage their emotions but have not yet achieved this skill. Your child has some strengths, but also a twice-exceptional condition, such as a learning disability or ADHD, that requires some unique accomodations. 

You have learned to understand these contradictions, but others may be puzzled or dismissive. Explain your observations about your child in a matter-of-fact manner that acknolwedges their confusion but clarifies what your child needs.

4. Tactfully challenge misconceptions. 

No, giftedness is not an elitist concept and does not imply that your child is better than another. Yes, gifted education is a right and not a privilege – all children deserve to learn at a level consistent with their intellectual needs. No, despite your child's advanced math skills, they may not necessarily excel in art or any other subject. No, gifted children are not necessarily high achievers. Yes, your child can behave immaturely; gifted cognitive abilities do not necessarily instill great social skills. No, even though your child gets good grades, it does not mean they are working hard or learning something new or challenging. 

    

                                                            *            *            *

As I have suggested previously (see here for a list of articles), you are challenged to advocate and assume the role of "ambassador for giftedness" wherever you go. It falls on you to educate others in a kind, straightforward, yet persistent manner, dispel myths and misconceptions, and encourage them to understand that giftedness is a "difference" that must to recognized and addressed. You didn't bargain for this role; yet, here you are, advocating for your child and thousands of other children who remain misunderstood.  

Wishing you strength and clarity as you advocate for your child!

** For insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children.

The photo above is courtesy of Unsplash/Linkedin Sales Solutions

College admissions for gifted students: Emotions, uncertainty, and decisions

April 1st can seem like consolation day for many gifted high school seniors. And it's no joke. 

College admissions offers have been received, and many families learn on April Fool's Day that their gifted child will not be attending the college of their choice. With acceptance rates less than 10% at many highly selective colleges, even exceptional students are shut out. 

When gifted children are young, many parents assume that high school success will translate into an array of college choices. Many are shocked and bitter when their child is rejected from a wide range of schools. They may believe they have been deceived and betrayed; their child’s hard work and effort was ignored, and raw talent and ability overlooked. 

I wrote a similar article about college admissions ten years ago. Both of my kids were in college and had already weathered the college application process. Despite some fun times visiting a variety of colleges, waiting for acceptances and then narrowing down their choices was... shall we say, a challenge. Fortunately, they landed at great schools that seemed an ideal fit for their social and academic needs.

Over the past year, I have spoken with parents whose children applied Early Decision to their dream school in hopes this would increase their odds of admission. These teens are all amazing, lovely, accomplished students with great potential. Yet, all were rejected. 

Those whose children applied for regular decision have all likely received their notifications. Some may be elated. Many might feel both excited and anxious about choosing between several colleges where they were accepted. But some are left to feel angry and deflated and must settle for a "safety" school they never assumed they would attend.

Why do so many gifted children get rejected from colleges they are presumably qualified to attend?

When highly selective colleges are inundated with applications, they have to draw the line somewhere. They have quotas, priorities and long-range goals, along with financial burdens. While most would likely prefer to admit the most talented, high-achieving students they can find, selecting who fits this criteria is complicated. And the sheer number of academically successful applicants is astonishing. National Merit Finalist Valedictorians with stellar SAT's are viewed as commonplace, and most will be rejected without some additional compelling qualifications. 

College admissions officers at these selective schools will tell you they are seeking a well-rounded, diversified class of students. They claim to use “holistic admissions,” viewing the whole student and not just grades and SAT scores. Yet, this term is often used as a thinly veiled excuse for achieving quotas based on geographic location, ethnicity, and athletic ability, along with wealth, and legacy connection (otherwise known as “hooks”). The highly publicized college admissions cheating scandal several years ago pointed to the dark side of college admissions, along with the extent some parents will go to advance their child's career. 

While many families rage about the unfairness of admissions policies, the reality is that most “unhooked” students will get rejected by many of their top choices. A Forbes article from over a decade ago highlights the disingenuous admissions process. Not much has changed over the past decade.

What if your child is still in the college-planning process?

Gifted students often need to create a profile that is quite exceptional and well beyond the norm. When a gifted, high-achieving student does not possess the "hooks" that boost the likelihood of acceptance, they will need to stand out from the crowd. This is especially true for those who attend public school or are homeschooled, since many private schools have counselors dedicated to maintaining connections with elite colleges. A 4.0 and top SAT scores may prompt a closer look, but without other outstanding qualifications, the elite, tippy-top schools will toss their application into the rejection pile. 

To garner a "second look," students need an application that conveys a depth of ability and achievement, such as performing independent research, excelling at college courses (taken as part of dual enrollment), exceptional mastery in the arts, awards from science fairs or other demanding competitions, or truly innovative extracurriculars or volunteer work. Sometimes, they need all of the above to demonstrate both breadth and intensity of focus. Their efforts need to clearly convey their aptititude as well as their motivation to tackle unique and challenging work.

But not all gifted students need to attend one of the elite, tippy-top colleges!

Before applying to highly selective colleges, parents need to clearly understand their child's social, emotional, and academic needs. They also must consider their child's realistic chances for admission. Look at the highest percentiles for acceptance rates at the colleges in terms of grades, SAT scores and other requirements. If your child is in that range, he or she may stand a chance. But realize that acceptance to an ivy league or comparable school (such as Stanford or MIT), is almost impossible to predict. There are a lot of benefits for gifted students at these elite colleges (including exceptional financial aid); however, there are many great colleges out there that should not be overlooked.

It is essential that gifted students identify less competitive schools that would be a good fit and would readily welcome them. Many schools offer honors programs and other specialized tracks that can provide a great education. Gifted students can excel wherever they go and will find mentors, excellent professors and innovative programs that can stimulate their creativity. Attachment to a "dream" school is a set-up for disappointment in the capricious, uncertain world of college admissions.

A note to current seniors:

If you have just received your letters of admission, hopefully you are relieved and excited. If you received rejections, it is important to appreciate the competitiveness of these schools and not assume it is a reflection on your abilities. It may not seem fair that you didn't get into the school of your choice. But you can use your abilities to thrive wherever you go. And perhaps this experience will help you gain perspective and develop resilience when facing future challenges. Good luck with your decisions!

This article is an update to April 1st is no joke for some gifted high school seniors. 

Photo above is courtesy of to Unsplash/Tim Gouw

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

What giftedness is not: A list to share with those who don't get it

 

Misconceptions about giftedness abound. 

Many folks think they know what gifted is – those whip smart kids who know all the answers, who overachieve, whose parents must be “pushing” them, who are nerds and misfits. It is assumed that parenting – and teaching – gifted kids must be a breeze, and that they cruise through school, waltz into an ivy league college, move on to a tech start-up, and are good to go.

 

But these assumptions are rarely true - other than the whip-smart part. Parents of the gifted – and grown-up gifted adults – know the reality; giftedness is a mixed bag of amazing intellect, creativity, and attuned sensitivity combined with uneven development, social struggles, and emotional reactivity.

All of this leaves them feeling different from the norm... because they are.

Here is a short list of ten myths and misconceptions about giftedness: 

Giftedness is not…

 1. Neurotypical. These kids process information differently, with greater speed, pace, and depth of thinking. They also may possess overexcitabilities, asynchronous development (where their maturity lags behind their intellect) or twice-exceptionalities (where they struggle with a condition, such as ADHD, anxiety or a learning disability. They are different! 

2. A one-size-fits-all concept. Gifted children don’t necessarily progress at the same rate (especially when asynchronous development is evident), and their areas of strengths, interests, and intensities vary from one child to the next. Their gifts cannot be pigeon-holed into one simplistic category.      

3. Readily identifiable. Not all gifted kids are easily noticed. Many do not fit the stereotype of the exceptionally verbal, high achieving child, and remain under-identified by parents and schools. Many are overlooked because they are late bloomers or disengaged from school or have a twice-exceptional condition that masks their talents. Many are also ignored because of racial, gender, or sociocultural biases.

4. Elitist. Despite false assumptions that giftedness is the purview of the White and wealthy, gifted children can be found among every racial, cultural and economic group. Unfortunately, gifted children who are minorities, English Language Learners, or those from impoverished backgrounds are most frequently under-identified and excluded from receiving gifted services.

5. A bastion of nerds and misfits. Look around. Some of the most interesting, creative, and funny people we know are gifted. Just think about some of our greatest thinkers, leaders, and comedians. Challenging these stereotypes about the gifted is long overdue.

6. A choice. Despite some misguided claims on social media, you cannot choose to reinvent your child as neurotypical by ignoring their differences. Giftedness is merely a term that describes their neurodiversity; it is nothing to boast about - but also nothing to hide.

7. A disturbance. Widespread myths, misconceptions, and misdiagnoses abound – amplified by media portrayals of the lonely misfit or anxious overachiever. While some gifted kids struggle with mental health problems (just like anyone else), giftedness also engenders resilience and strength.

8. A guarantee of success. Talent, potential, and smarts? Yup. But motivation and a drive to achieve may evade them, depending on their temperament and especially, their learning environment. Self-doubts, boredom, poor executive functioning skills, or perfectionism. for example, can derail their efforts.

9. Easy to raise. Nope. Raising a child with heightened sensitivities, energy, and intensity, along with asynchronous development and social struggles is an added challenge. And finding the best academic fit is a challenge for many families, as they must regularly advocate in the schools or find sometimes time-intensive or costly alternatives, such homeschooling or private schools.

10. A bad thing. Definitely not true! Embrace your child’s enormous energy and passion for learning. Laugh along with their quirks and offbeat sense of humor. Commiserate with their big emotions, empathy, and compassion for others. Relish their intensity and depth. They are a bundle of joy for you to embrace.

Enjoy the ride!

A similar version of this article was published in the GHF Journeys online newsletter.

Image above is attributed to Unsplash/Siora Photography

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

 

 

 

Gifted Challenges' Pick for 2023: Best Articles about Gifted Education, Twice-exceptionality, and Parenting

This has been quite a year. Political turmoil, wars, climate change effects. Despite these stressors, you are navigating life with your child and trying to ensure their health, academic success, and emotional well-being. As always, there were many great articles this year related to the above concerns; selecting a top-ten list is always a challenge. But I hope you find the articles below stimulating and thought-provoking.

On a personal note, this December marks 40 years since receiving my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. It is hard to believe that I have been working in the field this long - and even more, that I still find it gratifying, meaningful, and filled with learning. I feel so grateful that I stumbled upon this career at an early age and continue to learn and grow as a psychotherapist. And I am grateful to the thousands of clients who have trusted me over the years, many of whom "risked" working with me as a young and inexperienced clinician during my training and early career years.  

I am equally grateful for my writing opportunities over the past 11 years that allow me to advocate for the needs of the gifted. In addition to this blog, numerous articles, and my recent book about gifted parenting, I write about mental health and wellbeing on the Medium platform Wise & Well. Many of you also receive my monthly newsletter where I share the latest articles of interest. (If you have not signed up yet, please join me here.) And I plan to continue to share meaningful articles I find throughout the year on social media, especially on my Facebook Gifted Challenges page. 

Thank you to all of you who follow me on social media, read my articles, and share your comments and concerns. As always, please let me know if you have questions or suggestions by contacting me at gailpostphd@gmail.com.

My Top 10 list for 2023

How to Ensure Twice-Exceptional Students Don't Slip Through the Cracks

Essential advice for identifying and supporting your twice-exceptional child at school.

Building a Wider, More Diverse Pipeline of Advanced Learners

See the National Working Group on Advanced Education report.

Nine Tips to Avoid Falling for Mental Health Misinformation

There are an astonishing number of myths and misinformation about psychotherapy and mental health circulating online. This is a MUST READ that highlights what you need to know to protect yourself and your children.

Algebra for None: The Effects of San Francisco's Detracking Reform

In a misguided attempt to provide equity, this school district is hurting all learners, and harms those most in need. And it has been used as a model for other districts across the country. 

Noone Knows Exactly What Social Media is Doing to Teens

What role does social media really play when considering your child's mental health? See this interesting overview.

Seven Tips for LGBTQ Parents to Help Schools Fight Stigma and Ignorance

Helpful information for LGBTQ parents to address problems that can affect their children.

Disabilities in Math Affect Many Students - But Get Little Attention

See more about how math disabilities can be identified and addressed in school.

Positive Parenting Can Help Protect Against the Stress in Childhood and Adolescence

How a positive parenting approach is an essential tool for parents that can build resilience.

America's Highest-achieving Students are Disproportionately Asian. Let's Not Be Afraid to Investigate Why.

Understanding this discrepancy in achievement can provide information about what might work for all students. 

A Fifty-State Analysis of Non-district Students' Access to District-provided Services

If your child is homeschooled or attending a private school, see what additional services might be available within your district.

**Wishing all of you a happy and healthy New Year, filled with joy and wonder.**

- Gail

First, do no harm: Nine tactics that teachers of gifted students should avoid

Something happens in most classrooms when a gifted child shows up. Their presence makes life more complicated. And contrary to widely held views about the gifted, they are not always the easiest children to teach. They require more challenging coursework. They ask a bunch of questions and "correct" the teacher on any oversight (without awareness that their commentary may not be appreciated!). They may act out or melt down or roll their eyes when bored.

If they could, teachers would provide a challenging, creative, intellectually stimulating education tailored to each child's developmental and intellectual needs. They might even address problems related to perfectionism or executive functioning difficulties or peer relations. But most teachers are already quite busy managing various pressing needs within the classroom. Some teachers also lack the education or administrative support to address the needs of gifted children. 

Much improvement is needed to address how gifted students are identified and how gifted education is implemented. But at the very least, educators might adhere to the medical profession's well-known dictum:

First, do no harm.

Certainly, teachers are not in the business of harming kids. They are there to educate and support them. But some misguided strategies used to teach, placate, or merely occupy a gifted student's classroom time are still in practice - and inadvertently cause harm. I am not an educator, but I deeply respect the teaching profession and their often thankless job. Most of the comments below reflect classroom practices that inadvertently hurt gifted kids - they are not intentional or malicious. But since these practices still occur, greater awareness of how gifted students are affected may inform change. 

Here are nine tactics that teachers would be wise to avoid:

1. Asking gifted kids to tutor their peers. Learning to coach or supervise or mentor others is a useful skill we might use as adults - on the job or as volunteers. But expecting a gifted child to tutor their classmates is a recipe for disaster. Tutoring is not a substitute for and does not enhance a gifted child's education. Instead, it reinforces their self-perception as outliers who don't fit in with their classmates. It also sets up a damaging interpersonal dynamic with peers who already may resent them, or at the very least, view them as weird and different. Additional bullying or rejection may follow. (And tutoring by a same-aged peer does nothing for the self-esteem of those students who are being tutored!)

2. Group projects. Including a gifted child in one of those typically miserable group projects (a topic for another day...) to "pull up" the other students is a no-win situation. The gifted child endures the thankless task of shouldering responsibility for the project or risks a low grade (which may seem particularly unfair to them). Group participants who expect the gifted child to do more will resent them whether they assume this burden or not. Either way, it amplifies the gifted child's outlier status. If group projects cannot be eliminated altogether, then placing the gifted child within a group of similar-ability peers is preferable. However, some teachers refuse to consider this option, as they assume it creates an unfair advantage for gifted students over their classmates. Such reasoning typifies how gifted children's needs are often sacrificed in the service of creating a presumably level playing field. 

3. Using the G-word - without a clear context. We know that the "gifted" label evokes envy, resentment, and confusion among adults and children alike. The unfortunate label implies that a gifted child is somehow "better" than others. If adults struggle with this assumption, one can only imagine what other children think. Of course, most kids can readily identify their smart or athletic or artistic or socially skilled classmates. If the gifted label is used at all, though, a quick but understandable explanation of neurodiversity should be provided. This can be something as simple as acknowledging that everyone thinks differently and needs a different approach when it comes to education. By placing giftedness in context, you are reinforcing the concept that we all are different, that each child's needs should be respected, and differences do not imply that any child is better than the other.

4. Offering gifted students busywork, extra homework, or poorly planned gifted pull-out programs. Any assumption that gifted children derive benefits from busy work or extra homework is flat-out wrong. They want to play and explore their interests just like every other child. They will resent teachers and hate school if what they are asked seems pointless. It might seem obvious that scheduling a gifted pull-out class during recess or electives a child enjoys (like art or music) can feel like a punishment and fuel rebellion. Many teachers assume that every classroom instruction is essential. Yet, who here reading this remembers their social studies or science lessons from elementary school? Do they really matter that much? Gifted children will not miss out when relinquished from the classroom for more challenging activities.  

5. Chastising a gifted child for their attempts to offset boredom. If gifted children are left to languish in classrooms unprepared to educate them, they rely on their own resources. Some doodle incessantly. Others read at their desks. Others cause trouble by chatting with their classmates and interrupting the lecture with repeated questions. If teachers do not have the time to provide more challenging learning activities, it would be wise to least allow them to occupy their time with something educational - like reading or a creative activity.

6. Criticizing a gifted student for not achieving high grades. No child feels good about a low grade. Some gifted kids feel shame when their grades drop. It may tarnish their image of themselves, or challenge their harsh perfectionism, or evoke fears that they are an impostor. If a teacher is concerned about a sudden drop in grades, privately addressing this in a calm manner with the student may elicit some information. And sometimes, even gifted kids have a bad day and perform poorly. Regardless of whether the low grade is a one-off occurrence or part of a new pattern, addressing it with calm compassion and a spirit of curiosity will be more effective and certainly less shaming.

7. Teasing gifted students about their interests. Gifted kids often have unique interests. When these are mocked or even if a student is gently teased (e.g., did you spend all weekend on that geology project?), it implies that there is something wrong with them, instills feelings of shame, and alerts classmates to the gifted student's "weirdness." They are left to choose between either hiding their interests or suffering ridicule not only from peers but even from the adults in charge. 

8. Singling them out as special in front of their classmates. Even if well-intentioned, this also places a target on their backs. Most children want to be special and favored by their teacher; however, any sign of favoritism will breed resentment and retaliation from their classmates. It also reinforces a perspective that they are special because of innate abilities rather than due to hard work and effort. On a broader level, this reinforces the misguided societal view that giftedness is elitist and that gifted education should be eliminated to prevent special treatment.

9. Stereotypes and assumptions. We are all human and bound to hold certain biases and judgments. Teachers are no different. They are also influenced by media portrayals of the gifted, and may view the gifted as nerds and misfits. Preckel and colleagues, for example, noted that "teachers’ ambivalent or negative attitudes against giftedness may enhance the inner conflicts that gifted students—and especially gifted adolescents—can experience” (p. 5). We often don't know when biases or stereotypes take hold, though! It would be wise for teachers to routinely question their assumptions about gifted students - whether associated with gender, maladjustment, achievement orientation, or beliefs about parental involvement. And, of course, addressing biases with respect to the gifted under-identification of persons of color, English language learners, children from impoverished environments, and students with twice-exceptional conditions is essential. Parents also benefit from greater awareness about how to best approach their child's teacher. 

If you are a teacher, the parent of a gifted child, or a gifted adult who has endured these classroom experiences, please feel free to share your opinions, suggestions, or experiences in the comments section below. Thanks!

Parenting with courage

Much of parenting requires courage: a leap of faith, flying without radar, and a journey fraught with uncertainty. We are thrown into this amazing parenting experience with no preparation. Regardless of past babysitting gigs or the many childraising manuals we devour, parenting comes as a rude awakening. 

Suddenly, we become a parent - instantly navigating both the intense joys and daily demands of parenthood. Few other tasks in life come without training and experience. We don't waltz into the DMV and receive a driver's license without months of driving practice. We don't become a CEO or expert mechanic or take the bar exam without hours and even years of preparation. Experience and training are key. 

Yet, nothing fully prepares us for parenting. We might think we're ready. We take childbirth preparation classes... but they barely mitigate what we endure during labor. We devour articles about childraising and discipline and educational options. We talk to friends and experts and our relatives - and our head spins from their varied, conflicting, and insistent advice. We harbor questions and doubts. Uncertainty is the norm.

Courage is required. It involves a compassionate acknowledgment that the task is monumental and unprecedented for each one of us. Yes, childrearing is part of the human condition and nothing new. But it is a new awakening every time someone becomes a parent. Our courage lets us forge ahead and trust ourselves to manage every new challenge, every developmental milestone, and every stressful demand. Even when we function on autopilot after three hours of sleep, part of us knows that we are doing something right. Each step along the way in our child's development brings a sigh of relief, but also a sense of loss; we cannot hold onto their younger selves and must accept the inevitable progression toward adulthood.

We all have our limits and fears. What is simple or fun for someone else might be terrifying for you. What you grasp easily might be impossible for another. As a psychologist, I have witnessed a litany of fears and impasses. Some people engage in highly courageous acts, yet struggle with behaviors that might seem easy for others. I once worked with a family where the father was a fighter pilot with several dangerous missions under his belt. Yet, he could not muster the courage to tell his wife or children that he loved them; that particular level of vulnerability was just too threatening. Parenting evokes the same challenges; each of us is different and must enlist our courage to face what we find the most difficult.

What is courageous parenting?

1. The courage to trust ourselves. We know this is all new. Yet, we dig deep and trust that we will figure it out. This means tolerating uncertainty and discomfort and even some panic. We see how much our child trusts us and learn that our steady, reassuring love will guide them, even when we behave imperfectly and feel uncertain or lost. 

2. The courage to wait. We develop patience. We know that we sometimes must defer our needs and wishes. We go without sleep. We restrain our anger - even (especially) when we want to yell or even spank our child. We turn down party invitations because the babysitter quit. We sometimes put our careers on hold. We know that sleep, socializing, sex, career advancement, glorious vacations, or that kitchen remodel will have to wait for another time. We see the big picture and know when we must defer our own needs. 

3. The courage to stay. Sometimes we want to leave. It feels like too much to handle and we feel trapped. We may be angry at a partner or struggle financially or feel enraged over our child's refusal to cooperate. But we hang in there. We don't abandon ship. We don't leave... even though sometimes we want to.

4. The courage to find support. It takes courage to ask for help. Childcare manuals and YouTube videos only go so far. Sometimes, we need additional guidance, advice, and support. A hug, a friend who truly listens (without adding advice), a neighbor's commiseration that their child also struggles - all provide the support we need. Advice from a professional (e.g., a trusted teacher, pediatrician, spiritual leader, or mental health therapist) can provide reassurance and guidance when we hit a roadblock.

Keep in mind that parenting is a daunting and wild ride. Enjoy it. Savor it. Rant and scream about it. But honor your own courage as you embrace this wondrous parenting experience.

If you are the parent of a gifted or twice-exceptional child, please consider joining an interactive, supportive online workshop series starting soon that addresses the challenges parents face, with concepts applied from my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey.

Workshop information can be found here: https://www.thegiftedparentingjourney.com/.

 

Eating disorders among the gifted: Are they more at risk?

The convergence of giftedness and eating struggles is like a perfect storm. Gifted individuals, with their propensity toward overthinking, perfectionism, heightened sensitivities, and overexcitabilities may be at risk for developing eating disorders. Young women and men are bombarded with societal messages that idealize thinness and muscularity, an even more difficult challenge in a world where foods high in sugar, simple carbohydrates, salt, and fats are so readily available.

The list of what triggers eating-disordered behaviors is long, and a full overview is beyond the scope of this brief article. However, some known risk factors include depression, anxiety, dieting, trauma, body image dissatisfaction, an idealization of thinness, peer influences, and perfectionism.  Culbert and colleagues, for example, used a biopsychosocial model as a lens for understanding these triggers. In their review of the literature, they summarized that eating-disordered symptoms are more likely to arise when personality traits of negative emotionality (anxiety, sadness, anger, and mood swings), perfectionism, and "negative urgency" (a tendency to act impulsively when distressed) are combined with sociocultural pressures and an idealization of thinness. 

Despite an upsurge in research over the past 30 years, it is not always clear why some individuals - even those with predisposing traits, such as perfectionism or anxiety - develop an eating disorder and others do not. 

Many investigations of eating disordered symptoms are qualitative. Many use a small sample size. A wide range of populations have been studied (ranging from high school students to clinical populations within treatment settings), and some research includes "disordered eating" (rather than clearly defined diagnoses), complicating any comparisons across studies. And hallmark features of anorexia nervosa, such as rigid and controlling behaviors, are difficult to compare with characteristics of impulsivity and emotional dysregulation commonly found in bulimia nervosa or binge eating disorder. In fact, a study (based on my dissertation - yes, a gazillion years ago!), found significant differences even among subtypes of bulimic adolescents.

Are gifted individuals more at risk for developing an eating disorder? 

The overlap between traits seen among the gifted and those with eating disorders is striking, even though most gifted people do not develop an eating disorder. In my clinical practice, I have specialized in eating disorders as well as giftedness, and have seen clients struggling with eating disorders or obesity in residential, inpatient, outpatient, and private practice settings. Most of these clients were exceptionally bright and likely gifted - something not necessarily as common among other mental health conditions. 

It makes sense that gifted overthinkers, individuals with perfectionistic strivings, and those with low self-esteem and harsh self-expectations might develop an eating disorder. It also seems reasonable to assume that highly sensitive gifted individuals or those struggling with emotional dysregulation and the challenges of impulsivity or ADHD might gravitate toward eating-disordered behaviors in an unhealthy attempt to regulate their strong emotions. 

Yet, very little research has been conducted that might lend support (or refute) the assumption that eating disorders are prevalent among the gifted. 

Recently, though, Beiser and Gillespie studied a group of gifted teens in the US and reported that 20% admitted to negative body image and problematic eating behaviors. However, a national poll of adolescents found that approximately two-thirds of teens experience body image concerns (although the criteria used to define eating dysregulation or body image concerns differs across these studies, making any comparison difficult). Studies of eating disorders and high achievers (not necessarily gifted, but there may be some overlap here with gifted students) have identified predictors such as stressful life events and academic stress, There is also an association between eating disorders and ADHD (common among twice-exceptional individuals), as highlighted in a recent ADDitude article. Again, it seems clear that further investigation of an association between giftedness and eating disorders is needed.

What you can do

If you or your child are struggling with an eating disorder, compulsive overeating, restrictive eating, orthorexia (a preoccupation with only eating "healthy" foods), compulsive exercising, or anxiety about body image, seeking support is the first step. This is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week - designed to highlight the challenges faced by individuals with eating disorders and the importance of finding help when needed. More information about the causes of eating disorders and available treatment can be found on the NEDA and ANAD websites. 

Psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional (see this guide about what to expect) and counseling with a registered dietitian who specializes in eating disorders is essential. Steer clear of advice from a personal coach or unlicensed nutritionist or fitness trainer who lack training in the field and may offer advice that could worsen the condition. For example, dietary "cures" sometimes touted by those untrained with eating disorders can backfire and add fuel to the fire. Family involvement is also necessary to treat the problem, along with group support and medical monitoring. Both addressing the underlying cause and taking active behavioral steps to change are essential. The sooner the problems are addressed, the easier the path to recovery. 

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

Parenting decisions: Good for you... or good for your child?

Parenting can be hard. And raising a gifted child creates dilemmas other parents may not face. Your child's quicksilver mind, expectations of fairness, need for logic, and heightened sensitivity create a quandary when it comes to decisions. Asynchronous development, intensity, and twice-exceptional conditions cloud the picture even further. Most of us muddle through as best we can.**

But here is the tough question: 

How can we, as parents, determine whether our parenting decisions are truly in the best interests of our child - or if they merely benefit us personally? 

Let me clarify. I am not referring to any of the following:

• Clear and necessary choices related to safety or finances or basic respect for others (such as refusing to let your child attend a sleepover unsupervised, or asking your teen to consider colleges that offer financial aid, or insisting that your child make amends when they have wronged someone). 

• Expectations that benefit the child and the family (such as insisting that they complete their chores or participating in a summer activity or camp - which allows both parents to work throughout the summer).

• Taking time for yourself and setting boundaries and limits (such as creating downtime for yourself in the evening, insisting on that much-needed date night out, or setting limits on the decibels of noise you can tolerate in your home).

But sometimes, decisions that might seem tailored toward your child's best interests create unanticipated problems. Often, such decisions are driven by anxiety, uncertainty, or sincere efforts to protect your child... but they end up backfiring.  How can we ensure that our complicated, difficult, perplexing, and uncertain decisions best serve our child's needs and are not merely based on our own? 

We can start this process with self-reflection and ask ourselves several key questions:

1. Will my attempts to help and protect my child create an environment of safety and support, help to increase their confidence and independence, and support their capacity for resilience in other situations? Or will my involvement inadvertently convey that doubt about their abilities, thwart their healthy drive for autonomy, or create an unhealthy dependency on our family? 

Kayla and Jesse* were anxious about their daughter leaving for college. They were not worried about drugs or alcohol as much as her vulnerability living so far from home for the first time. And of course, they knew they would miss her. They told her they trusted her, but insisted that she must call them every day. She resisted at first, but also knew that her parents' anxiety would increase if she didn't comply with their expectations. She internalized their anxiety and doubts and started to worry that perhaps she would not be able to handle college life so far from home.

2. Are my reactions and decisions based on my own anxiety and personal history? Can I distinguish my own wishes and goals for my child from what they truly need?

Mara and Tim knew that their gifted teen had tremendous potential. Their families never encouraged them to try hard and were uninvolved in their academic choices. As a result, they wanted to ensure that their son push himself to reach his academic potential. They insisted that he take as many AP classes as possible and participate in both an afterschool sport and a club. He felt pressured and angry, but they insisted that he continue, and even threatened to restrict social activities if he did not follow through. He started to withdraw and rebel, and ended up failing two of his classes. 

3. How do I determine when I must become involved from those times when I need to let my child struggle and accept natural consequences? Can I remain attuned enough to my child's current needs - and consider their developmental level and emotional capacity to take on challenges? Can I recognize when my involvement or interventions provide temporary relief (from my own anxiety as well as my child's) but interfere with building a foundation for their future problem-solving abilities, resilience, confidence, and burgeoning independence?

Rebecca and Kevin were frustrated with their son's reluctance to complete his homework. They were diligent about sitting with him every evening to ensure that he followed through on assignments. They answered questions about his homework to "help" him along, rather than insisting that he give the math problem another try, or take the time to look up information for a science project. They checked over his writing and even helped rewrite some of his papers. They wanted him to succeed, feel good about himself, and wanted to ensure that he received good grades - unaware that their "help" was contributing to his reluctance to try harder. As a result, he learned to doubt his abilities and refused to attempt difficult or challenging schoolwork.

What went awry for the families mentioned in the examples above? They clearly love their children and want the best for them. But their attempts to shield them from failure or risks backfired and contributed to unexpected and negative outcomes. One of our greatest challenges as parents involves learning when to intervene and when to hold back. This might mean restraining ourselves from getting involved, allowing our child to fail, containing our own anxiety and expectations, and recognizing when our involvement temporarily relieves our anxiety but interferes with our child's capacity to learn new skills and face unpleasant challenges.

The challenges inherent in "normal" development

Children struggle and careen from a desire for your comforting guidance to a drive toward autonomy. When my three-year-old tussled with a stuck toy and wailed, "I need your help, but I want to do it all by myself!"  his reaction epitomized a universal desire for both support and independence. It is often confusing for parents, as we navigate each situation and yet try to stay grounded in our values and goals. We obviously hold different expectations for our child of five than for our fifteen-year-old. It is a part of normal development when our two-year-old shouts "no," our middle-schooler rejects our political views, or our teen refuses to share the details of their social life. We may not like it, but such behaviors are normative and allow our child to assert their independence. 

The next time you leap in to assist your child or insist on their compliance, ask yourself the following:

• Is this what my child needs at this given moment in time?

• Is this essential to their long-term development? 

• Are my expectations based on my child's abilities, temperament, and developmental level?

• Are my reactions driven by my own uncertainty, anxiety, or influences from others?

Sometimes we must intervene to prevent or remove our child from a physically unsafe or emotionally abusive situation. But most of the time, decisions are not so clear-cut. Each child is different, of course, but the more we feel grounded in our parenting values and goals, can rein in our anxiety and worries, and consider our child's unique strengths and challenges, the more we help them develop into the confident, independent, and kind young adult we hope they will become. Ideally, we can respond based on clarity about acceptable behaviors, maintain some flexibility based on the situation at hand, and remain grounded in an appreciation of our own personal worries and goals for our child. 

*Names were changed to protect privacy and confidentiality

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my new book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

Great gifted education articles from 2022

Here are a few of my gifted education faves for 2022 (in no particular order). These Top 10 articles challenge pre-existing concepts and include views of twice-exceptionalities, the excellence gap, personality types, and the lasting effects of an inadequate education.

How to narrow the excellence gap in early elementary school

"the excellence gap appears long before high school. It looks much the same as far back as fourth grade..."

Schools are killing curiosity: Why we need to stop telling children to shut up and learn

"Promoting curiosity is a foundation for early learning that we should be emphasizing more when we look at academic achievement.”

Smart kids, personality types, and how they adapt - or not - to school

"...within the student population, there were many gifted children whose personalities allowed them to cooperate in school even when it contributed to their own underachievement..."

Gifted students need a "continuum of services" now more than ever

"Systems need to be in place to support teachers facing such a range of achievement levels by providing a continuum of services... This requires flexibility in services, placements, and programming to allow for continual entrance, exit, and re-entry points."

Gifted, on the spectrum, or both?

"Both giftedness and autism fall on a spectrum, so while there may be individuals who clearly fit into one box or another, some behaviors might be more ambiguous and require additional information, context, or professional opinions."

When the "gifted" kids aren't alright

"[Studies] confirm the detrimental effect of a gifted mind left unchallenged, proving that 'busy work' does more than simply leave the child bored... Gifted children will regularly underperform academically against peers later in life, despite a heightened skill set."

Autism treatment shifts away from "fixing" the condition

“We’ve moved away from thinking of autism as a condition that needs to be eliminated or fixed to thinking about autism as part of the neurodiversity that exists across humankind.”

How can the United States better support gifted education?

"...some of the most important steps we can take as a country would be to ensure that all qualified students have access to gifted programs... to provide appropriate training for teachers who work with gifted students, and to allow gifted students to learn at their own pace."

Why ADHD in women is routinely dismissed, misdiagnosed, and treated inadequately

"ADHD in women does not comply with stereotypes. Its distinct symptom presentation is skewed toward inattentiveness – a feature that explains, in part, why ADHD in women is still largely misunderstood, overlooked, and inadequately studied."

A top researcher says it's time to rethink our entire approach to preschool

"...we've simply asked too much of pre-K, based on early results... We might actually get better results, she says, from simply letting little children play."

Do you want more thought-provoking articles related to giftedness, twice-exceptionality, and gifted education? Follow me on Facebook, Twitter (at least for now...), and Instagram, where I routinely post interesting articles I come across and then share them with you.

Wishing all of you a healthy and happy New Year!