Gifted impatience: Is it a thing?

One of the most baffling traits shared by some gifted folks is their impatience. They grapple with a world that makes no sense and endure constant reminders that their intentions are misunderstood. They fume about others' foibles, despair over job snafus, and sometimes abandon friendships when values differ.

Yet, the gifted also typically possess heightened sensitivity and empathy. So how does that translate into a low tolerance for others' (or their own) mistakes?

A gifted individual's sensitivity and empathy, their astute awareness, and their complex minds all blend with their high expectations when forming perceptions of people or events. This fuels impatience when others (or when they, themselves) fail to live up to these expectations. 

Impatience starts in childhood and continues well into adulthood

Impatience with others starts early. You see it in young gifted children. They become enraged when their friends don't understand the boardgame rules or can't appreciate their passion for cataloging geological eras. They become bossy or demanding or run home crying in despair when their friends don't get them. Later, they learn to suppress outward signs of frustration, but are furious inside. Worse yet, they quickly realize how much they differ from others, assume they'll never find their niche, and may start to withdraw. 

Adolescence compounds the problem. An awareness of their differentness amplifies the usual teen angst related to peer pressure and dissillusionment with authority. Gifted teens often feel betrayed by cultural, religious, and family values that no longer make sense, and may experience an existential crisis. They see their peers making impractical choices they would never consider, such as risky sexual behaviors or excessive drug and alcohol use, and don't understand why some kids seem to hate learning. They feel like old souls in a child's body, and realize how they just don't fit in with mainstream society. 

Some gifted teens place undue demands on themselves. They are impatient and unforgiving when they make a mistake, striving to achieve unattainable expectations. Other gifted teens may be perceived as opinionated and arrogant, or at the very least, unapproachable. Their cynicism and snarky rebuttals create barriers that interfere with relationships. They become frustrated with their peers' slower pace or seemingly simplistic grasp of the facts, and may lose respect for teachers or other authority figures whom they deem lacking in complexity. 

As adults, gifted folks may feel alienated from family members and even old friends whom they no longer respect. They endure frustration at work when colleagues seem disengaged or lack a strong work ethic or (once again) cannot grasp information as quickly. Rote tasks, arbitrary rules, and small talk can become unbearable. Tolerating company directives they view as pointless leaves them demoralized. Many gifted folks feel their ideas are "correct;" yet, that is small comfort when they feel so misunderstood and alone.

What can an impatient gifted person do in a world that makes no sense?

1. First, recognize your grief. Your gift for seeing the world clearly and with depth and complexity creates a dilemma that sometimes leaves you on the outside looking in. Most classmates, neighbors, or coworkers are not going to understand or agree. You may need to grieve this reality and reach out to those few trusted friends or family, or even a therapist, who can understand and validate your perspective. They don't need to agree with every point; they just need to acknowledge the sadness and despair underneath your frustration. Let them in. Let them support and comfort you.

2. Secondly, consider that you may not always be "right." We are always growing and learning. What seems like an absolute may change over time. Consider that what seems like truth may be infused with your unique perspective formed through personal experiences, cultural values, family influences, or the limitations of your education. There is so much you don't know. 

3. Enlist your powerful empathy. You may have boundless compassion for those less fortunate, yet bristle when your coworker cannot complete assignments on time. Enlist your astute radar for what others are feeling and remind yourself that many people you encounter are trying their best and may not have the same privilege as you. 

4. Okay, but empathy and compassion have their limits. In fact, you might not want to remain in untenable situations for too long. This could mean leaving your job, changing careers, or disengaging from some friendships. Finding more meaningful, stimulating, and engaging connections may seem impossible at first, given the limited number of gifted folks out there. And of course, not every gifted person you meet is going to agree with you! But searching for meaning and intellectual challenge is vital to your own well-being; don't ignore this mandate.

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5. Commit to self-regulation and to cultivating a self-care practice so you can more easily manage the frustrations that inevitably arise. This might include some of the basics, such as sound nutrition, regular exercise, and a consistent sleep schedule. It can also include a calming practice (such as meditation, yoga, or even prayer), creative outlets, meaningful volunteer work, and joyful time with loved ones. You may feel things intensely; that doesn't mean intensity must be debilitating. Find the self-care strategies that work best and commit to using them. 

6. Find connection and support. Yes, you can enlist logic and critical thinking and rely on yourself to figure things out. But battling frustrations on your own keeps you isolated. Join activities where like-minded peers converge. Find a support group for gifted folks. Express your frustrations through creative outlets, exercise, or venting to friends. Reach out to loved ones. Consider therapy if your feelings of despair or frustration become overwhelming. 

Your impatience is a warning sign that something is amiss. You have choices in how you digest and interpret information and in how you approach each person or situation. Developing resilience and coping strategies for frustrating encounters and disappointments are essential. The serenity prayer used in almost all 12-step programs is a great reminder to recognize what you can and cannot change and to develop the wisdom to know the difference. Enlist your immense capacity for logic and critical thinking when evaluating what you can do going forward, but don't let expectations or a desire for perfection (in yourself or others) limit you. And reach out to others for support; you don't have be endure your emotions in isolation.

 

“Simplicity, patience, compassion; these three are your greatest treasures.” - Lao Tzu, ancient Chinese philosopher

 

A question to consider: What kind of gifted person do you want to be?

As another New Year looms, some of you might pause to consider who you are and what you want for the year ahead. And if you are gifted, you might question what kind of gifted person you want to become.

A strange question, I know. After all, we are who we are. We might relish the fruits of our powerful mind or creativity or intensity or even our multipotentiality - or we might resent being gifted and view it as a burden. Either way, we are no more responsible for our intellectual strengths than for our eye color. Right?

Well... perhaps we do have some control. Many studies suggest that despite the heritability of intelligence, we all are affected by our environment: the impact of pollution, nutrition, early childhood deprivation, trauma, poverty, and the quality of the education we received. Those lucky folks among us seem to have hit the lottery; a smooth, easy ride through childhood, the absence of trauma, and supportive, yet challenging families and teachers. The rest of us... well, we have struggled. Or our giftedness remained hidden or misunderstood. Or we never fully reached our potential.

As a psychologist, writer, parent, and fellow traveler along this life journey, I have encountered many gifted folks. Some enthusiastically embrace life, learning, and their amazing potential. Others suppress and hide their talents and abilities. Still, others feel bitter and angry over lost opportunities and a world that misunderstands their quirks and intensity. 

The takeaway is that you, as a gifted person, are entitled to take charge of your life and utilize your talents and abilities. Your passionate engagement with what is meaningful is the best possible use of your inherent strengths. Even if you have endured trauma or a lackluster education. Even if you have been bullied or never feel quite like you fit in. Even if you make mistakes and are far from perfect. Regardless of whether you are 15 or 50 - you deserve to embrace your strengths and challenge yourself to expand your reach. 

Poet Mary Oliver's wonderful quote applies here: 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

What will you do? What kind of gifted person will you become?

** For more insights about giftedness, please see my new book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and on the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children - who are often gifted, themselves.**

This blog post is a revision of a similar post from 2021.

Wishing you all a wonderful New Year!

What's so bad about intensity?

Many parents of gifted children describe their child's intensity as a core feature of their personality. They might be amazed by their child's ability to explore areas of interest with such depth and passion, as well as their perceptiveness and empathy. However, they also might bemoan their child's intensity, and endure a wild emotional ride, powerfully angry outbursts, and meltdowns. When a child's emotions lack modulation, they may get stuck in a loop of obsessive thinking, perfectionism, or sadness - and both parents and their child can feel overwhelmed. 

Sometimes associated with Dabrowski's five overexcitabilities, intensity infuses a level of energy that amplifies most reactions. These are the young kids who devour chapter books, who can recite the name of every dinosaur, and who practice clarinet for hours. They react to situations with powerful emotions, whether distressed, excited, angry, or exhausted. Their extraordinary focus, compassion for others, and heightened sensitivity are sights to behold. They sob with empathy when their friend's dog dies, scream with frustration when unable to solve a puzzle, and grapple with existential despair when the world just seems unfair.

 

In an online survey of parents of gifted children (see below for more information about the survey),* 80.8% of parents indicated that their child exhibited heightened intensity. Furthermore, 72.7% indicated that their child was highly sensitive. While survey responses were based on a parent's subjective assessment, these responses nevertheless corroborate the research, theory, and commentary regarding the family's felt experience. Parents frequently view their gifted children as intense and sensitive - and their intensity has an impact on family life. Several comments from the survey aptly describe this:

“I often wonder what dinnertime conversations are like in other households. In ours, they can bounce   from some new science theory someone read about to reminding our teenagers to use silverware (still!) to etymology to glares from one kid because their sibling is chewing noisily to discussions on which religion is best to one kid teaching the other how to swear in Latin. It’s exhilarating but exhausting!” 

 

"Living with the intensity is for me the hardest part to balance. It feels like from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to sleep, we join them on a roller coaster that keeps going. No stops. However, there is also so much joy in seeing all the creative ways they try to problem-solve. It is an exhausting, yet very joyful journey at the same time." 

 

When intense, gifted children venture out into the world, they often receive messages from adults in authority (e.g., teachers, camp counselors, sports coaches) to tone down their reactions, sit still and "shake it off." Their exuberance and curiosity for learning are seen as an interference and impediment. They may feel ashamed of their intensity and think that there is something wrong with them. As a result, they need your loving acceptance to offset these experiences - to provide perspective and an antidote to the negative messages they receive elsewhere.  Your concerns are valid; nevertheless, appreciating the positive aspects of their intensity will allow you to accept (rather than fight against) this trait. 

So how do we help our children turn down the volume on that intensity radio dial?

1. First, ground yourself in your values and goals as a parent. Typically, stress and frustration arise when our children behave in a manner that is unpleasant, oppositional, frustrating, or embarrassing. Remaining consistent with your values (e.g., providing love, acceptance, support, and appropriate limits) can help you regain perspective when faced with overwhelming reactions. Your child's intensity may contribute to conflicts and stress within the family; yet, trying to cajole, bribe, or even demand that they approach situations less intensely never works. Appreciate that they are experiencing powerful, raw emotions, or a compelling sense of creative flow. They are not trying to be difficult - they are just doing what comes naturally. Nevertheless, they will benefit from your guidance in learning how to manage these powerful feelings.

2. Focus on appreciation and gratitude for who they are. Sounds easy, but it can be difficult to cultivate loving acceptance in the midst of a chaotic meltdown! While intensity can be challenging and exhausting, though, it also infuses family interactions with energy and joy. Intense, gifted children can open your eyes to the beauty around you, reawaken long-suppressed drives of your own, and remind you of what is important. These are kids who love deeply, possess abundant curiosity, and who can (will) bring their passion and creative drive to a future career. As idealistic as it sounds, they have great potential to do good in this world. 

3. Rethink your own relationship to intensity. As the parent of a gifted child, it is likely that you, too, are gifted, and well acquainted with intensity on a deep and personal level. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You may recall situations as a child when your intensity was embraced and nurtured, or conversely, shamed and criticized. Consider how you view your own intensity and emotional reactivity - and use that awareness to enhance empathy for your child and fine-tune your approach to parenting.

4. Like any developing talent, skill, or expression of raw temperament, intensity needs to be nurtured and at times, managed. Your child feels overwhelmed by their emotions and needs your guidance to learn how to direct their focus, how to pace themselves, and how to calm their emotions when this leads to meltdowns or despair. You can remind your child that, yes, they experience powerful emotions, but they also will benefit from learning to harness that energy, apply it when needed, and redirect it when it seems out of control. You can intervene with suggestions, guidance, and preventative strategies that may offset potential problems (more about this in future articles). For example, if your child is late for school because of immersion in an art project, consider how to intervene earlier to help them transition. If your child is despondent about social injustice, encourage them to invest their energy in volunteer work,  Strategies for resilience-building also may be helpful. A variety of parenting strategies can be found in many of the excellent books listed below.***

When intensity is viewed as a true "gift" rather than a flaw, your child will accept this trait without shame or self-doubt. This will help them harness their energy effectively, and diffuse the overwhelming feelings they experience. And when your child is more relaxed, your life will be a little easier as well.

*The Gifted Parenting Survey was initiated to obtain the parent's perspective on child-raising, along with personal reactions to parenting a gifted child. Survey questions were distributed online through my website, this blog site, and through social media and gifted parenting forums. The survey remained active online for six weeks in early 2022, and 428 parents responded. Additional findings will be shared in future blog posts and articles, but a full summary can be found in my upcoming book through Gifted Unlimited Press, "The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children."

**All names or identifying information were changed to protect confidentiality.

***In addition to the information about intensity and parenting guidance that can be found in my upcoming book, the following are a few of the many excellent books available that may offer guidance when needed: 

Daniels, S., & Piechowski, M. M. (Eds.). (2009). Living with intensity: Understanding the sensitivity, excitability, and emotional development of gifted children, adolescents, and adults. Great Potential Press.

Kurcinka, M.S. (2006). Raising your spirited child: A guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic. William Morrow.

Nelson, J. (2006). Positive discipline: The classic guide to helping children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills. Ballantine Books.

Prober, P. (2016). Your rainforest mind: A guide to the well-being of gifted adults and youth. GHF Press.

Silverman, L. K. (2013). Giftedness 101. Springer.

Webb, J. T., Gore, J. L., Amend, E. R., DeVries, A. R., & Kim, M. (2008). A parent’s guide to gifted children. Gifted and Talented International, 23, 155-158.