Parenting decisions: Good for you... or good for your child?

Parenting can be hard. And raising a gifted child creates dilemmas other parents may not face. Your child's quicksilver mind, expectations of fairness, need for logic, and heightened sensitivity create a quandary when it comes to decisions. Asynchronous development, intensity, and twice-exceptional conditions cloud the picture even further. Most of us muddle through as best we can.**

But here is the tough question: 

How can we, as parents, determine whether our parenting decisions are truly in the best interests of our child - or if they merely benefit us personally? 

Let me clarify. I am not referring to any of the following:

• Clear and necessary choices related to safety or finances or basic respect for others (such as refusing to let your child attend a sleepover unsupervised, or asking your teen to consider colleges that offer financial aid, or insisting that your child make amends when they have wronged someone). 

• Expectations that benefit the child and the family (such as insisting that they complete their chores or participating in a summer activity or camp - which allows both parents to work throughout the summer).

• Taking time for yourself and setting boundaries and limits (such as creating downtime for yourself in the evening, insisting on that much-needed date night out, or setting limits on the decibels of noise you can tolerate in your home).

But sometimes, decisions that might seem tailored toward your child's best interests create unanticipated problems. Often, such decisions are driven by anxiety, uncertainty, or sincere efforts to protect your child... but they end up backfiring.  How can we ensure that our complicated, difficult, perplexing, and uncertain decisions best serve our child's needs and are not merely based on our own? 

We can start this process with self-reflection and ask ourselves several key questions:

1. Will my attempts to help and protect my child create an environment of safety and support, help to increase their confidence and independence, and support their capacity for resilience in other situations? Or will my involvement inadvertently convey that doubt about their abilities, thwart their healthy drive for autonomy, or create an unhealthy dependency on our family? 

Kayla and Jesse* were anxious about their daughter leaving for college. They were not worried about drugs or alcohol as much as her vulnerability living so far from home for the first time. And of course, they knew they would miss her. They told her they trusted her, but insisted that she must call them every day. She resisted at first, but also knew that her parents' anxiety would increase if she didn't comply with their expectations. She internalized their anxiety and doubts and started to worry that perhaps she would not be able to handle college life so far from home.

2. Are my reactions and decisions based on my own anxiety and personal history? Can I distinguish my own wishes and goals for my child from what they truly need?

Mara and Tim knew that their gifted teen had tremendous potential. Their families never encouraged them to try hard and were uninvolved in their academic choices. As a result, they wanted to ensure that their son push himself to reach his academic potential. They insisted that he take as many AP classes as possible and participate in both an afterschool sport and a club. He felt pressured and angry, but they insisted that he continue, and even threatened to restrict social activities if he did not follow through. He started to withdraw and rebel, and ended up failing two of his classes. 

3. How do I determine when I must become involved from those times when I need to let my child struggle and accept natural consequences? Can I remain attuned enough to my child's current needs - and consider their developmental level and emotional capacity to take on challenges? Can I recognize when my involvement or interventions provide temporary relief (from my own anxiety as well as my child's) but interfere with building a foundation for their future problem-solving abilities, resilience, confidence, and burgeoning independence?

Rebecca and Kevin were frustrated with their son's reluctance to complete his homework. They were diligent about sitting with him every evening to ensure that he followed through on assignments. They answered questions about his homework to "help" him along, rather than insisting that he give the math problem another try, or take the time to look up information for a science project. They checked over his writing and even helped rewrite some of his papers. They wanted him to succeed, feel good about himself, and wanted to ensure that he received good grades - unaware that their "help" was contributing to his reluctance to try harder. As a result, he learned to doubt his abilities and refused to attempt difficult or challenging schoolwork.

What went awry for the families mentioned in the examples above? They clearly love their children and want the best for them. But their attempts to shield them from failure or risks backfired and contributed to unexpected and negative outcomes. One of our greatest challenges as parents involves learning when to intervene and when to hold back. This might mean restraining ourselves from getting involved, allowing our child to fail, containing our own anxiety and expectations, and recognizing when our involvement temporarily relieves our anxiety but interferes with our child's capacity to learn new skills and face unpleasant challenges.

The challenges inherent in "normal" development

Children struggle and careen from a desire for your comforting guidance to a drive toward autonomy. When my three-year-old tussled with a stuck toy and wailed, "I need your help, but I want to do it all by myself!"  his reaction epitomized a universal desire for both support and independence. It is often confusing for parents, as we navigate each situation and yet try to stay grounded in our values and goals. We obviously hold different expectations for our child of five than for our fifteen-year-old. It is a part of normal development when our two-year-old shouts "no," our middle-schooler rejects our political views, or our teen refuses to share the details of their social life. We may not like it, but such behaviors are normative and allow our child to assert their independence. 

The next time you leap in to assist your child or insist on their compliance, ask yourself the following:

• Is this what my child needs at this given moment in time?

• Is this essential to their long-term development? 

• Are my expectations based on my child's abilities, temperament, and developmental level?

• Are my reactions driven by my own uncertainty, anxiety, or influences from others?

Sometimes we must intervene to prevent or remove our child from a physically unsafe or emotionally abusive situation. But most of the time, decisions are not so clear-cut. Each child is different, of course, but the more we feel grounded in our parenting values and goals, can rein in our anxiety and worries, and consider our child's unique strengths and challenges, the more we help them develop into the confident, independent, and kind young adult we hope they will become. Ideally, we can respond based on clarity about acceptable behaviors, maintain some flexibility based on the situation at hand, and remain grounded in an appreciation of our own personal worries and goals for our child. 

*Names were changed to protect privacy and confidentiality

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my new book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

A question to consider: What kind of gifted person do you want to be?

As another New Year looms, some of you might pause to consider who you are and what you want for the year ahead. And if you are gifted, you might question what kind of gifted person you want to become.

A strange question, I know. After all, we are who we are. We might relish the fruits of our powerful mind or creativity or intensity or even our multipotentiality - or we might resent being gifted and view it as a burden. Either way, we are no more responsible for our intellectual strengths than for our eye color. Right?

Well... perhaps we do have some control. Many studies suggest that despite the heritability of intelligence, we all are affected by our environment: the impact of pollution, nutrition, early childhood deprivation, trauma, poverty, and the quality of the education we received. Those lucky folks among us seem to have hit the lottery; a smooth, easy ride through childhood, the absence of trauma, and supportive, yet challenging families and teachers. The rest of us... well, we have struggled. Or our giftedness remained hidden or misunderstood. Or we never fully reached our potential.

As a psychologist, writer, parent, and fellow traveler along this life journey, I have encountered many gifted folks. Some enthusiastically embrace life, learning, and their amazing potential. Others suppress and hide their talents and abilities. Still, others feel bitter and angry over lost opportunities and a world that misunderstands their quirks and intensity. 

The takeaway is that you, as a gifted person, are entitled to take charge of your life and utilize your talents and abilities. Your passionate engagement with what is meaningful is the best possible use of your inherent strengths. Even if you have endured trauma or a lackluster education. Even if you have been bullied or never feel quite like you fit in. Even if you make mistakes and are far from perfect. Regardless of whether you are 15 or 50 - you deserve to embrace your strengths and challenge yourself to expand your reach. 

Poet Mary Oliver's wonderful quote applies here: 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

What will you do? What kind of gifted person will you become?

** For more insights about giftedness, please see my new book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and on the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children - who are often gifted, themselves.**

This blog post is a revision of a similar post from 2021.

Wishing you all a wonderful New Year!

New online parenting workshop!

The Gifted Parenting Journey Workshop is an online, four-part workshop series focusing on your unique joys, struggles, challenges, and questions related to parenting a gifted child. Based on concepts from my new book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, this workshop will address the unique emotions, expectations, and needs of parents of gifted children. 

**Update: Please note that registration is now closed. If you are interested in participating in a workshop at a later time, please email me at gailpostphd@gmail.com so I can include you on a list. Thank you!**

As a participant, you will be asked to explore questions and ideas related to your parenting experience through a lively and interactive discussion. It is anticipated that participation in the workshop will enliven your sense of purpose, confidence, and clarity as a parent, and provide much-needed camaraderie and support.

The one-hour sessions start Mon., Nov. 21, and run for four consecutive weeks. Sessions will be held at 7:30PM* EST.

 

What I bring: While the workshop is both a psychoeducational and supportive place for discussing parenting concerns (and is not psychotherapy), I still bring over 35 years of training and experience as a Clinical Psychologist and Group Psychotherapist to these meetings, along with many years as a gifted parenting coach/consultant and workshop leader, my personal experience as the parent of two gifted young adults, and many years as co-chair of a gifted parents advocacy group.

 

What you bring: Your active engagement and participation are critical components of the group. You bring your questions, ideas, and personal wisdom as the parent of a gifted child. Your openness to self-exploration and discussion and willingness to offer your support to other group members will benefit you and the other group participants.

 

What we can expect from each other: Expectations for group participation include respectful dialogue, a willingness to share (but only what feels safe and comfortable), keeping what others say confidential, and remaining attentive to others’ concerns. Attentive group participation involves your regular attendance, ensuring that you have a quiet and private space where you can speak without interruption, keeping your zoom screen on throughout the session, and refraining from distractions during the session, such as responding to text messages. Due to the confidential nature of the group, you may not record these sessions.

 

What you can expect from me: I will provide a structure and framework to the meeting, offer insights and general information about gifted parenting, and encourage a respectful, engaging, interactive discussion. Ideas and questions for discussion will be emailed to you each week prior to the meeting so that you have some time to think about the topics. I typically will not offer specific guidance regarding individual concerns, but instead, may share general parenting guidelines. I will intervene in the unlikely event of problems that could arise (for example, the rare possibility of conflict among members). As mentioned above, I bring my years as a psychotherapist and group facilitator to the sessions and will encourage a pace and sense of community that should feel both enlivening and safe for group participants.

More information about topics for discussion, registration, and fees can be found here.

*(I realize that the Monday 7:30 EST time may not be ideal for some. If you are interested in a daytime group, please let me know. If I receive enough interest, I will start one during the day as well.)

If you have any questions, please contact me at gailpostphd@gmail.com.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

What are the "4 E's" of Gifted Parenting?

Parents of gifted kids face an array of challenging emotions, often juggling multiple feelings at once. Some of the most perplexing emotions and reactions can be summarized as "the 4 E's." Not to be confused with 2e, a term used to describe twice-exceptionality (when gifted children also struggle with a condition such as ADHD or anxiety), the concept of  "the 4 E's of Gifted Parenting" is shorthand for some of the most common pressures and emotions parents of the gifted face: exhilaration, envy,  embarrassment, and (high) expectations. Many of the worries and confusion parents often face stem from these four emotions and reactions. The sooner we understand how our emotions are triggered, and can compassionately accept and learn from how we feel, the more easily we can manage their impact on our children.

These emotions are described in depth in my new book, The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children. And while I plan to elaborate further in future blog posts and articles, a brief description of these complex emotions is listed below. Some findings from the Gifted Parenting Survey, an online survey conducted in early 2022 to access parents' emotions and reactions, are also included.

Exhilaration

Of all the emotions and reactions we experience as parents, exhilaration, excitement, and pride over our gifted child's abilities and accomplishments are the easiest to accept. Who wouldn't be overjoyed and astonished that their child excels, wins awards, or shows tremendous empathy and compassion for those less fortunate? Nevertheless, these feelings can be complicated. Many parents of the gifted are reluctant to share their child's latest accomplishments with even their closest friends, given concerns that they might appear to be bragging or that acknowledging their child's giftedness could create conflict. Parents of neurotypical children often cannot fully grasp that our child's accomplishments are not the product of prepping and coaching, but a natural progression based on their abilities. Our spontaneous expression of excitement may be perceived negatively. As a result, we might hold back details - or possibly share nothing at all.

In the survey of 428 parents of gifted children launched online earlier this year (and summarized in my book), a large percentage of parents (54.2%) indicated that they felt grateful "a lot" or "always" for their child's ability to excel and enjoy school and 30.3% were grateful "a lot" or "always" that their child possessed additional qualities, such as creativity, empathy, curiosity, and sensitivity. Certainly, these families have a lot to share about their child's strengths! Yet, two-thirds of these parents (65%) indicated that they felt misunderstood by other adults "a lot" or "always." Interestingly, a much smaller number reported that they have been accused of bragging (30%). It is possible that many parents of the gifted avoid situations that might result in accusations of boasting or bragging, and prefer to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves.

Envy

Envy is not pretty. It is not something we are proud of. Yet, almost everyone experiences envy at some point. It arises when we encounter folks with better looks, or abundant wealth, or whose children never seem to get in trouble! Parents of gifted children face some unique experiences with envy, particularly when we compare ourselves or our children to others. When our child shows signs of asynchronous development, behaves immaturely, and cannot fit in with peers, we may wish they were more, well... normal. When another student wins that award we feel our child deserved, we might feel resentment - even though we know that the other child was also deserving. When we encounter families that can provide enrichment and after-school activities we cannot afford, we might envy their wealth. 

Contrary to what we might expect, a substantial percentage of parents in the Gifted Parenting Survey did not report feelings of envy related to their child's level of functioning. In fact, 38.3% reported "never" feeling envy toward other children with better social skills, and 48.2% claimed that they "never" feel envy toward children who receive more recognition. It is possible that parents in this sample are exceptionally generous in how they react to others' successes or are able to distinguish their child's gifts/challenges/struggles from those of other children. On the other hand, envy is a troubling emotion; it is possible that this survey's questions did not tap into underlying resentments that are not easily acknowledged - even within the confines of a confidential survey.

Embarrassment

All kids make goofy choices, disappoint us, pronounce their uncensored observations (at quite inopportune times!), and disappoint us with their oppositional, disrespectful, or clueless behaviors. It's all a part of growing up and learning appropriate behavior. We may feel particularly vulnerable to embarrassment, though, when our gifted kids' advanced intellect and asynchronous development confuse other adults who cannot grasp how such a bright child can behave so immaturely. It is difficult to take a neutral stance, calmly explain the discrepancy between their intellect and their behaviors to bystanders, and take that deep breath while reminding ourselves that we are not responsible for their actions. 

Despite commonly voiced concerns about the embarrassment parents of gifted children feel when their child disappoints, few of the parents in the Gifted Parenting Survey identified frequent feelings of embarrassment. In fact, 34.3% reported that they "never" felt embarrassed by their child’s social or emotional immaturity, 41.5% indicated that they "never" felt embarrassed by quirky or non-normative behaviors, and 42.9% reported "never" having concerns about their child’s disrespect toward authority. Perhaps, those parents who responded to the survey are a compassionate and enlightened group and have accepted some of their child's offbeat behaviors. On the other hand, like with feelings of envy, admitting to a troubling emotion like embarrassment may be difficult to acknowledge. It is also possible that only a subset of parents - perhaps those with highly asynchronous children - experience embarrassing incidents.

Expectations

We all have expectations for our children, whether associated with family values, cultural norms, or merely an assumption that they should demonstrate kindness and respect to others. However, parents of the gifted are quite aware of their child's abilities and often feel pressured to personally ensure that their child excels. They question whether to push their child and worry that they might be pressuring their child too much - or conversely, not enough. When our children have so much potential, we may hold high expectations for them and assume personal responsibility for nurturing their talents. And of course, one of the greatest expectations involves what the schools can provide for our gifted child; these are typically realistic expectations that are rarely met, given the limited options available in most schools. 

Worries about how to manage our expectations for our children are common. In the Gifted Parenting Survey, 90% of parents indicated that they feel a daunting level of responsibility to meet their child's academic needs "a lot" or "always" and 53.5% worried "a lot" or "always" about whether their child would reach their potential. And 51.6% felt uncertain "a lot" or "always" about how much to push their child. Clearly, the profound sense of responsibility for nurturing so much potential weighs heavily on the minds of many of these parents.

The Takeaway

Every parent is unique and the intensity of our response to the "4 E's" will vary. What is most important is your diligent pursuit of self-awareness and attention to how your personal feelings and reactions might influence both parenting decisions and your relationship with your child. Use the "4E" concept as a check-in when you feel off-balance, pressured, uncertain, or experience regrets over how you approached your child. We are all imperfect as parents, but we owe it to ourselves and our children to recognize when we respond without thinking and when our reactions conflict with our goals and values. 

A more in-depth understanding of these topics is available in The Gifted Parenting Journey. Interactive online workshops related to this topic also will be offered soon! (If you are not already receiving emails with these blog posts, please consider signing up.)  And as I mentioned in previous blog posts, I am immensely grateful to those of you who responded to the Gifted Parenting Survey and shared your experience with all of us!

The Gifted Parenting Journey

I am thrilled to announce that my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children, has been published through Gifted Unlimited Press. It is also available for pre-order through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. 

The Gifted Parenting Journey addresses the challenges parents of gifted children face, encourages self-awareness as an essential component of parenting, and recommends how to find guidance and support. It is a tribute to all the parents out there who have struggled and questioned their parenting decisions, yet persisted in their advocacy efforts, sustained by love for their child. Throughout this book, parents are encouraged to discover more about their deeper emotions and motivations, what influences their attitudes and expectations, and how certain reactions are elicited in response to the gifted experience. They are prompted to explore questions that should increase self-awareness, and are offered both practical tools for managing their emotions and guidelines for improving their parenting skills.

While many excellent books about raising gifted children are available, most focus on the child, but pay little attention to the parent's unique experience. The Gifted Parenting Journey, instead, addresses the needs and emotional life most commonly faced by parents of gifted children. What they might experience, worry about, and feel. What nags at them, stumps them, and evokes their greatest concerns. What deep emotions fill them with dread and envy and regret. How they can weather and even thrive despite roadblocks to their child's education, criticism from others based on stereotypes of the gifted, and their own self-doubts. Understanding your thoughts, assumptions, and feelings - and distinguishing these emotions from what your child needs - is key to making informed parenting decisions.

The Gifted Parenting Journey combines the latest research and theory, clinical insight based on decades of experience as a psychologist, and vignettes from situations parents of gifted children routinely face. What is particularly exciting, though, is that results from the online survey that YOU, dear readers, participated in are shared throughout this book. Survey findings and personal anecdotes from the 428 parents who responded to the survey highlight what other parents want readers to know. I am immensely grateful to those of you who were willing to participate in the Gifted Parenting Survey. Much has been theorized, but so little is actually known about what parents of the gifted truly feel; it is quite powerful to learn from all of you and compile results from your shared wisdom. 

My hope is that this book will provide some guidelines, strategies, and support, along with the occasional challenge, and enhance your parenting journey. As always, please let me know your thoughts, questions, or reactions. I will continue to share highlights from the book and some specific findings from The Gifted Parenting Journey in future blog posts and articles. 

When you compare your gifted child to others

One thing parents of gifted children quickly realize is that their child is, well… different. Although bursting with intellectual smarts, astonishing talents, creativity, empathy, and insatiable curiosity, they also frequently manifest traits that can be a challenge. Many struggle with deficits in executive functioning skills that create roadblocks to success. Some underachieve, despite their capabilities. Still others struggle in their relationships with peers; impatient, socially awkward, immature, or discouraged by social norms that make no sense to them. While others may be in awe of your child’s abilities, they also notice the quirks and delays. As they witness behaviors consistent with asynchronous development, they scratch their heads. How can such an advanced child behave like someone three years younger? How can such a smart kid lack common sense? You may have trouble finding adults who “get it” and with whom you can commiserate or share your fears and worries.

Although you recognize that all children differ, with varying strengths and challenges, it is tough to watch your child struggle – or lag behind their peers. You want to appreciate and accept your child completely, quirks and all, yet you can’t help but compare. The dichotomy between their remarkable talents and their social immaturity, intensity, heightened sensitivity, and signs of asynchronous development can be daunting. All parents compare their child; it goes with the territory. But sometimes, comparisons evoke troubling and painful emotions: embarrassment, disappointment, shame, and envy. You might wish your child were more mature... or less complex... or require a lot less of your time and energy. And when your child accomplishes something astounding, but other kids take center stage, it leaves you wilted, confused, and perhaps, guilty over your reactions. As a result, parents of gifted children struggle with powerful emotions – often, with few outlets for support.

One of our greatest challenges as parents involves recognizing when we compare our child to others, and then coping with the uncomfortable feelings that arise. Yes, sometimes comparisons result in pride and excitement, as we are reminded of our child’s gifts and talents. But wise parents realize these reactions are fleeting, as there always will be someone out there who will surpass your child. We must stay attuned to when comparisons result in a level of embarrassment that alienates us toward our child and evokes resentment and shame. We also must appreciate that while envy is a normal reaction, it can make us miserable, and we can transmit these feelings to our child. Accepting another family’s or child’s “right” to succeed is essential. Learning to accept the fact that the school, community, and even your family members may let you down is an important life lesson. When we weather and rebound from disappointments, we also role-model healthy resilience for our child. Most importantly, cultivating gratitude and appreciation for your child – shortcomings and all – is essential.

Parents of gifted children struggle with these complex emotions. Please consider sharing your reactions in a survey where YOU can share your gifted parenting experience. I will tabulate the findings  and present them in an upcoming book, "The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children" and also periodically through my blog. Please take roughly 10 minutes of your time to answer this survey and return it as soon as possible. You also can enroll in a drawing for a $50.00 Amazon gift card.  If you have any questions, please let me know.

Please note: the survey is now closed. Please look for results in future blog posts and in my upcoming book!

Thanks in advance!

What kind of gifted person will you become?

What kind of gifted person do you want to be?

A strange question, I know. After all, we are who we are. We might relish the fruits of our powerful mind or creativity or intensity - or we might resent being gifted and view it as a burden. Either way, we are no more responsible for our intellectual strengths than for our eye color. Right?

Well... perhaps we do have some control. Many studies suggest that despite the heritability of intelligence, we all are affected by our environment: the impact of pollution, nutrition, early childhood deprivation, trauma, poverty, and the quality of the education we received. Those lucky folks among us seem to have hit the lottery; a smooth, easy ride through childhood, the absence of trauma, and supportive, yet challenging families and teachers. The rest of us... well, we have struggled. Or our giftedness remained hidden. Or we never fully reached our potential.

As a psychologist, writer, parent, and another fellow traveler along this life journey, I have encountered many gifted folks. Some enthusiastically embrace life, learning, and their amazing potential. Others suppress and hide their talents and abilities. Still, others feel bitter and angry over lost opportunities.

I have known gifted folks who:

• Love life, and harness the power of their talents
  

• Focus their careers toward something meaningful

• Engage their empathy and heightened sensitivity in their interactions with those they love

• Utilize their strong analytic thinking and strategic skills to solve problems and find solutions

• Develop a curious, open-minded, receptive view of life, with an acceptance toward learning from whatever happens

• Harbor anger, bitterness, and apathy due to mistreatment from parents, schools, or peers

• Suppress their talents to please others; they avoid conflicts or competitive situations, or conform to cultural standards that frown upon expressing their abilities (e.g., due to gender, racial or cultural expectations or stereotypes)

• Flee from challenging social situations where they feel misunderstood or socially inadequate

• Refuse to push or challenge themselves and settle for a mediocre job/marriage/life circumstance

• Avoid academic or career opportunities that are difficult, require effort, or where they might not immediately excel

• Express impatience, cynicism, and frustration when peers, co-workers, or authority figures who are not as smart, quick, or as capable of complex thinking

• Place excessive demands upon themselves to achieve perfection and always win or be the best

• Avoid sharing their talents or successes with others to avoid the appearance of bragging

• Feel despair because they did not achieve their vision of success - unable to appreciate what they have accomplished or feel gratitude for what is positive in their lives 

• Swear upside and down that, no way are they gifted! (despite enormous evidence to the contrary)

• Fear that others will be annoyed by their intensity or sensitivity

• Utilize their smarts to cut corners, avoid responsibility, coast through school, and take the easy way out, even though this keeps them feeling bored and apathetic

• Fear taking risks that might diminish what they have already accomplished 

• Reluctant to try something unless they are already good at it

• Feel like an imposter, despite successes; always alert for when their "real self" will be discovered

The list could go on. But the takeaway is that you, as a gifted person, are entitled to take charge of your life and utilize your talents and abilities. Your passionate engagement with what is interesting and meaningful is the best possible use of your inherent strengths. Even if you have endured trauma or a lackluster education. Even if you have been bullied or never feel quite like you fit in. Even if you make mistakes and are far from perfect. Regardless of whether you are 15 or 50 - you deserve to embrace your strengths and challenge yourself to expand your reach. 

Poet Mary Oliver's wonderful quote applies here: 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

What will you do? What kind of gifted person will you become?

Back to school during a Pandemic: How to help your gifted child thrive

These past 18 months have been tough, Loss, uncertainty, anxiety, and the daily inconveniences wrought by COVID-19 have affected just about everyone. It is not surprising that parents of young children have been identified as one of the most stressed-out demographics. Lack of clarity about childcare, few good educational options, and questions about when to allow your child to socialize are just a few of the stressors parents face. Worries about keeping your family safe, supporting your child's emotional well-being, and the possibility of another lost school year add to the mix. 

With school starting up again, parents may question how to support their child's motivation and well-being. Will they adapt after a year of online or hybrid classes? Will they flounder socially, especially if they had limited contact with peers over the past year? Will they exert effort - even if classes seem different or revert to online instruction again? 

Parenting a gifted child poses additional challenges. While some gifted children are highly adaptable, others may struggle. Rigid expectations, perfectionism, heightened sensitivity, and difficulty relating to peers complicate adjustment to this new normal of 2021. And watered-down or hybrid instruction is likely even more frustrating for gifted children. 

How can you help your gifted child adapt to this new school year? Here are a few ideas to consider:

1. Support their innate resilience

Remind your child that despite disappointments, they will thrive and adapt. Allow your child to feel discouraged - without shame - but then address how they can move forward. This is no different than how you might respond to their disappointment over losing a soccer tournament, failing a test, or friendship woes. Let them know you care and understand their upset, but reassure them that you know they will move past this. For younger children, you might invoke a superhero character they admire who rises to a challenge. For older children, point out the character-building aspects of enduring hardship (even if they roll their eyes), and that you have no doubt they will get through this. Point out that resilience is borne of struggle.

2. Challenge any tendency to obsess or intensify their anxiety

Many gifted children - with such highly active minds - have a tendency to overthink and obsess. Remind them that logic and strategic planning are quite different from obsessive thinking. Help them develop strategies for relaxing their body and mind by identifying calming techniques, such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, mindfulness, and using their senses to relax through music, aromatherapy, or visual imagery of a peaceful scene (note that in addition to the links listed here, many additional strategies can be found online). Essentially, you are providing them a toolbox of strategies they can try. Point out that overthinking and overplanning only temporarily relieve anxiety, and instead, fuel further obsessive thinking. Help them identify a reasonable plan for whatever worries them, and agree to stick with it. Cognitive-behavioral techniques and resilience-building strategies, as mentioned here, can be used to challenge negative thinking.

3. Use this period in time to overcome perfectionism, rigidity, and unrealistic expectations. 

During the Pandemic, some activities once viewed as reliable outlets were curtailed or completely eliminated (e.g., sports, theater, music ensembles). Schools cut back on classroom instruction, and offered whatever they could as they limped through a difficult year. If your gifted child holds high standards or is perfectionistic, their efforts may have been stymied. This is a good time to revisit the downside of perfectionism, and support a healthier intrinsic drive to excel. The absence of typical feedback or competitions through school may allow them to engage their abilities without comparing themselves to others. If your gifted child holds inflexible expectations toward self or others, encourage them to work toward breaking free from these constraints. The Pandemic has been a great equalizer, and your child may be able to put some harsh, self-imposed expectations into perspective. Achieving perfection, for example, may no longer seem so important. 

4. Encourage motivation, despite limited opportunities

If your gifted child trends toward underachievement - especially when frustrated with the curriculum - remind them that hard work is still expected. They may feel discouraged and angry over rote assignments or an absence of extra-curriculars that provided contact with like-minded peers. Nevertheless, just as their household chores have not magically disappeared during the Pandemic, they still are expected to apply themselves at school. Remind your child that these are difficult times, and although their frustration is understandable, their job as a student requires active effort and participation. You might consider sharing examples of your own past motivational struggles. Again, acknowledge their distress, but remain consistent with your reasonable expectations.

5. Help your child envision new and different opportunities

For gifted children who already felt disconnected from school, online or hybrid classes or homeschooling may have provided relief from social stressors. A reduction in academic demands may have opened up new opportunties that previously were overlooked. Your child may have discovered new hobbies and interests over the past year, developed deeper friendships within their "social bubble," or felt free to be themselves without the peer pressure to conform. Help your child embrace some of this self-discovery and continue to incorporate it into their lives going forward. 

As we all stumble through this difficult period of time and wait patiently until life regains some normalcy, recognize that your loving, attentive, consistent, and forgivably imperfect parenting provides the foundation that allows your child to thrive. Your flexibility, endurance, and ability to regroup when situations go awry also serve as models for your child's learning. Wishing you all a healthy, engaging school year ahead.

(Note: if you or your child cannot rebound and feels depressed, anxious, or hopeless, it is critical to seek support through your local crisis intervention center or therapy with a licensed mental health professional.)

Tall tales: When your gifted child lies to you

"No, mom. It wasn't me. Josh was the one. He ate the last of the candy." 

Of course, Josh is an infant, and your three-year-old miscalculated the likelihood of discovery when passing blame onto his brother. How should you react? And why would your sweet, innocent child choose to lie to you?

From Kelly Sikkema

Lying is a developmental milestone. That's right... it's an accomplishment. Once children appreciate the complexity of their world, the intricacies of interpersonal communications, and an awareness that rules can be broken, telling lies is not far behind. How we respond when our children lie, though, can influence their ability to regroup and choose the higher road going forward. 

Gifted children may start to lie at a younger age than their peers due to their cognitive complexity and precocious understanding of communications. They realize that honesty is not the only option available in a given situation. You can almost envision the light bulb turning on when they realize that they don't have to play by the rules! Sometimes this awareness develops after observing adults who lie. Other times, it stems from observations of the world around them, whether witnessing their older sibling's attempts to deceive or watching cartoons where lying gets all the laughs. But many children discover the power of deception on their own without provocation - realizing that they just might get away with a transgression if they conjure up a somewhat believable excuse. Even gifted children with a strong sense of fairness and justice may rationalize that a small deception won't harm anyone.  After all, is it really so important to find out who broke that glass vase? Or who shoved that annoying kid in the lunch line?

The necessary ingredients for deception

Researchers Angela Evans and Kang Lee have identified two necessary components that support the emergence of deceptive behavior. They argue that "lying is an early developmental milestone, and its emergence and development reflect increased cognitive development." Lee claims that "children with better cognitive abilities are capable of telling better lies. All of which implies that lying is as much a developmental milestone as any other cognitive task." The components necessary for deception include the following:

1. Lying requires an ability to empathize - the capacity to appreciate how someone else is feeling and thinking, often referred to as "theory of mind." Children can lie once they are able to assess what others know - and what they don't know. Tania Lombrozo summarized recent studies of lying among young children, and stated that "understanding that other people's beliefs can depart from one's own is a prerequisite for a host of sophisticated judgments and behaviors." including deception. It is a milestone in cognitive development to "appreciate that another's beliefs can diverge from reality and from one's own."

2. Lying also involves executive functioning skills - the ability to observe, plan and restrain one's impulses. In essence, children who can determine both when and how to lie are more successful and believable liars. Lee noted that in addition to understanding what others are thinking, they also must be able to plan ahead and restrain their impulses. 

Once children discover how to lie, they continue to refine their skills!

Researcher Kang Lee reported that approximately 30% of two-year-olds, 50% of three-year-olds, and 80% of four-year-olds lie. However, once children stumble upon their capacity for deception, they recognize that they must refine this skill. As their capacity for empathy increases, children learn when lying might be acceptable, and sort out when, where, how, and to what extent they will engage in deception. 

Children also eventually grapple with their sense of morality and integrity. Researcher Gail Heyman claimed that "the initial discovery of deception is not an endpoint. Rather, it’s the first step in a long developmental trajectory. After this discovery, children typically learn when to deceive, but in doing so they must sort through a confusing array of messages about the morality of deception." According to Heyman:

"As they develop, children often learn how to employ more nuanced forms of manipulation, such as using flattery as a means to curry favor, steering conversations away from uncomfortable topics and presenting information selectively to create a desired impression. By mastering these skills, they gain the power to help shape social narratives in ways that can have far-reaching consequences for themselves and for others."

White lies are the most common example of the gray areas associated with lying. Prosocial lying, or using deception to avoid hurting others' feelings, is often condoned. How many parents have begged their children to express gratitude for a disappointing birthday present, or refrain from telling relatives they were bored during a recent visit?  Children are astute observers of behavior, and notice that adults around them lie to protect others from negative feelings or opinions. And their openness to expressing white lies increases with age. Researcher Victoria Talwar, for example, found that the willingness to engage in prosocial lying increased from 72 percent among 3- to 5-year-olds to 84 percent among 9- to 11-year-olds.

 

As children mature, lying becomes more complicated 

While most parents can overlook - and even laugh about - their young child's fumbling attempts to deceive, lying becomes more problematic as children mature. Deceptive behavior in adolescence may seem like a rite of passage, yet generates conflict, distrust, and many parents' sleepless nights. Why do teens lie so much?  According to psychologist Carl Pickhardt, teens lie "for freedom's sake — to escape punishment for misbehavior or to get to do what has been forbidden. To many teenagers, lying seems to be the easy way to get out of trouble or to get to do some adventure that has been disallowed."

Researcher Nancy Darling studied deception in adolescents worldwide, and claimed that 98% of teens lie to their parents. She identified three reasons for lying: “they think they will get in trouble, they think their parents will be disappointed in them, and they think their parents will stop them from doing something they want to do in the future.” Gifted teens may not necessarily lie more than their peers, but are particularly skilled at devising stories to justify their lying, and masters at arguing and defending themselves. Parents may not believe the lies, but fail to break through their gifted teen's impenetrable defenses. 

Nevertheless, many adolescents struggle with the moral implications of lying. Some even devise complex decision-making constructs that condone deception under certain conditions. For example, some teens may adhere to complete honesty among friends, but cheat on tests (especially when they have lost respect for school). Others may lie to their parents about alcohol use, but maintain honesty and integrity with their teachers. Gifted teens, who often feel drawn to what they view as fair and just, may grapple with their own "hypocrisy" as they attempt to justify lying under specific conditions.

In a survey of more than 23,000 high school students compiled by the Josephson Institute of Ethics, over 95 percent of adolescents stated that “lying is morally wrong.” Eighty-six percent of these teens also endorsed the following statement: “It’s not worth it to lie or cheat because it hurts your character.” Overall, the teens believed that lying was more acceptable when "doing good" or being polite, but not when used for self-gain or potential harm.

What can you do?

How we respond to our child's attempts at deception is essential to their growth and development.  Consider the following approaches:

1. View deception within a developmental context. What tactics work with your three-year-old  will not help your teen. Just as you might differentiate a white lie from more serious forms of deception, keep in mind what is typical behavior based on your child's age. A young child may be testing the limits. A ten-year-old may lie to gain acceptance with peers. Adolescents often lie to protect their privacy, maintain a sense of independence, and rebel from norms. This does not mean you should condone lying; it merely places your child's behavior in context with their stage of development, and offers some perspective about the "normalcy" as opposed to the seriousness of their behavior. 

2. Role-model kind and tactful honesty. Your child will learn by example, and at the very least, internalize a sense of right and wrong. As much as possible, try to express comments honestly, tactfully, and kindly toward your child, friends, family members, and even (especially) toward people you dislike. Gifted children can sniff out hypocrisy and will lose respect if they view adults as inauthentic, ingratiating toward others, or willing to lie in a self-serving manner. 

Honesty with your child does not suggest oversharing what should be kept private. As a parent, you are in charge of protecting your child, and may need to withhold some of the truth at times. Parenting decisions often require an appreciation of your child's developmental and emotional level and what information they can absorb. Let them know you are not "withholding" information, but handling these "adult" concerns so that they don't have to worry about them. They will forgive you later on for lying about Santa Claus or shielding them from the extent of your financial worries. 

3. Offer alternatives. Remind them that dishonesty is one of several options available in any given situation. Rather than telling a white lie, encourage them to identify comments that are more authentic. Talwar has noted that when we encourage white lies, we are setting up an expectation that lying is acceptable. She suggests "strategic honesty," where your child is encouraged to identify a positive, but truthful comment instead of lying. For example, they can rave about the delicious homemade pie their relatives served, rather than lying about enjoying an unpleasant visit. 

4. Set clear expectations. While all children, and especially teens, deserve some privacy and will resent overly probing questions about their thoughts, it is your job to set clear guidelines about what is acceptable. Let them know that you disapprove of deception, especially when it involves self-gain, manipulation, or an activity that is harmful to them or others. Let them know that dishonesty destroys trust, is hurtful, and that you expect a trusting, honest relationship with them. This may not always be an attainable goal, but it is an expectation they will internalize and eventually strive to achieve.

5. Create a warm, accepting environment. Despite setting clear expectations and limits, create an atmosphere of acceptance and trust. When addressing deceptive behaviors, demonstrate that although you may disagree with your child's decisions or behaviors, you still love and respect them. When our children disappoint us, it can be quite difficult to keep our own strong emotions in check. Try to convey that you understand their frustration, but it is your job to set limits or implement discipline. As much as they may grumble about it, they will understand your concerns as long as the discipline is not excessive, and you steer clear of hurtful or shaming comments. This is especially critical with adolescents. As noted here:

"The recipe for honesty turns out to be cultivating warm, strong relationships with teens so they respect your rules and value your advice... Research suggests that teens lie less when they have this kind of relationship with their parents, in part because they don’t feel like they need to, and in part because they don’t want to risk losing their parents’ trust."

6. Despite its developmental normalcy, recognize when lying is a symptom of a more serious problem. Red flags include lying on a regular basis, if lying negatively affects their functioning at school or with friends, if it is associated with stealing or other transgressions against others, and if fueled by drug or alcohol use. Lying also can reflect apathy or frustration with school, other's expectations, or family norms, and may represent a form of protest against a situation or relationship that upsets your child. When deception is more serious, consider meeting with a licensed mental health professional for support.

It is disheartening to admit that everyone lies. We need to remember this reality, though, as we navigate parenting a gifted child. If your child has not lied to you yet, just wait; they will not disappoint! Your job as a parent requires you to remain flexible, although firmly grounded in your beliefs as well as your love for your child.

Additional helpful articles about deception and how to intervene with your child:

When children begin to lie, there's actually a positive takeaway

How to deal with lying in children and teens

Adolescent lying: What it costs and what to do 

Emergence of lying in very young children

Is your 4-year-old a liar? Here's the bright side

Why do children lie? Normal, compulsive and pathological lying in kids

Young children discover how to deceive in 10 days: a microgenetic study (paywall)

Social and cognitive correlates of children's lying behavior

Children's lies are a sign of cognitive progress (paywall)

When teens lie (because they all do)

10 steps to stop a child from lying

Building resilience: Strategies to support your gifted child

How can we help our gifted children build resilience?

Although privileged with strong intellectual skills, many gifted kids struggle to adapt to hard times. Heightened sensitivities, common among many gifted children, increase reactivity to stressful situations. Overthinking and perfectionism can add to the mix, intensifying anxiety and fears. A highly attuned sense of fairness and justice can trigger additional stress and a feeling of betrayal when demands or life events seem unjust. Asynchronous development manifest through social immaturity can interfere with the development of necessary coping skills that can guide them through complicated social interactions. And just as gifted children can be confident and adaptable, other times, they may be rigid, inflexible, and lacking in perspective.

On the other hand, there is evidence that heightened intellectual abilities may serve a protective function. Gifted individuals may be better able to understand and reflect upon their reactions and make effective choices. They often possess an "internal compass," responding from an internal locus of control rather than merely reacting to outside influences. They can be adaptable and"planful," and possess good problem-solving skills. In other words, they see the big picture and possess an ability to tease out what is meaningful and essential when making decisions.

Essentially, giftedness provides an array of factors that can both enhance and hinder their capacity for resilience. As Neihart & Yeo have noted:

"Gifted children do have unique psychological issues, but these do not arise from giftedness itself. Rather, giftedness seems to add complexity to an individual that can either enhance or interfere with healthy adjustment..."

 

What is resilience? 

 

Resilience is loosely defined as the ability to bounce back from and thrive after adversity. It is a behavioral skill that can be cultivated - not a fixed personality trait. No one is resilient in every situation; we all are influenced by an interplay of personal characteristics and family, cultural, and social circumstances. 

In Part One of this series, resilience-building was addressed from the perspective of attitude change and reframing one's assumptions about failure. A failure experience is less emotionally painful when viewed as part of a learning process, rather than as a sign of generalized incompetence or an indication that nothing will improve. If failing is framed as a normal part of growth and development, and as an opportunity for learning and self-awareness, its negative impact is diminished. 

Not all struggles with hardship result from difficulty adapting to failure, though. Many children - and adults - weather hardships and challenges associated with a range of influences. Examples include social difficulties, emotional and mental health struggles, health problems, economic hardship, poverty, systemic racism, cultural and gender-based bias, disabilities, loss, abuse, violence, trauma, or at is worst, enduring life in a war zone. Sadly, the list of potential challenges is extensive. However, resilient people are equipped to endure these hardships and even thrive in spite of them.

Even when children are not confronted with the devastating hardships some families face, they still may benefit from tools and strategies for navigating hard times. Your gifted child, for example, may not be living in a war zone - but still may struggle with insecurities, fears, and social stressors. And the recent Pandemic has contributed to unique challenges that affect every child and adult, provoking varying degrees of stress. 

The following are strategies for building resilience

1. First, identify the specific skills your child needs to develop. Your goal is to pinpoint the unique thoughts, feelings, and automatic reactions that prevent a "resilient response" to hardship. Some examples include highly self-critical reactions, worrying and "catastrophizing" about the future, or responding to situations either impulsively or in a rigid manner. Not only will identifying interfering behaviors provide a roadmap for what needs to be addressed, but your attuned awareness of your child's struggles will help them feel understood. "Even though I feel overwhelmed, it's good to know that my parents really get me."

2. Discuss your concerns with your child. Note your observations in a compassionate, caring manner, and approach goal-setting with the same optimistic spirit your might use when planning a vacation or baking cookies. Your optimism will be reassuring and convey the expectation that you will roll up your sleeves and figure out how to solve this - not that you are worried or assume your child's struggles reflect a character flaw or deficit. "Well, I guess if my parents aren't too worried, it's not so bad."

3. Keep your expectations in perspective. While you might wish for greater observed resilience in your child, keep in mind that they are doing the best they can. Their developmental level, maturity, asynchronous development, social skills, temperament, strengths, vulnerabilities, and past experiences all come into play. Any goal-planning needs to consider these factors; otherwise, both you and your child will be upset and frustrated. "Trying to act differently is hard; what a relief that my parents aren't pressuring me too much."

4. Address goal-setting. Work with your child to set both short-term and long-range goals. A short-term goal might include how they plan to finish their homework tonight; long-term planning could include improved organizational skills, managing distractions, or improved self-awareness about what contributes to procrastination. Frame resilience-building as a strength that develops over time, and should generalize to a variety of situations. Learning to shrug off criticisms from peers in elementary school, for example, may help when social challenges increase in middle school. Include your child's opinions in the discussion. Ask for ideas, thoughts, and opinions, and allow your child to brainstorm what might work. "I might be willing to take on this plan since it doesn't seem too hard."

5. Help your child with self-reflection. Engage your child in asking questions about their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You can suggest that they can become a junior scientist or journalist or detective. The more they can uncover their motivations and roadblocks, the easier it is to change them. This is also a life-long skill that will serve them well in the future. The following are useful questions for self-reflection. (Note that a more thorough overview of how to use these questions will follow in a future blog post.)

    What are the underlying reasons for my reactions or behavior?

    What are the triggers for how I feel or react?

    What are the facts? Where is the data? Am I confusing a fact with a feeling? (All because I feel  something, doesn't make it true.)

    What is most pressing for me to do now?

    What is most important long-term?

    Is this something that can be changed - or do I need to learn to accept what cannot be changed?

6. Encourage autonomy. You won't be with your child in the schoolyard or classroom. The more they can rely on their own abilities, strategies and quick thinking in a stressful situation, the better the outcome. Encourage them to self-reflect on the situation and their response, give them opportunities to take responsibility as much as possible, and ask for their ideas and opinions - even if you don't always agree with them. Encourage as much independence as is appropriate, taking into account their maturity, judgment, anxiety level, and the environment. Obviously, allowing your child to walk to a friend's home on their own depends on the safety of the neighborhood and the distance to their destination. But encouraging healthy risk-taking and independence builds confidence and enables self-reliance. "It's good to know that my parents trust me to walk the dog; they must think I am as capable as a big kid." 

7. Use praise and rewards wisely. We all benefit from praise. Willingham has described what characterizes praise that is most useful: it is truthful, sincere, immediate, specific, earned, and focused on process and behaviors rather than abilities. Setting up rewards and incentives can be helpful also, as long as your child buys into the process and it makes sense to them.  Some healthy and inexpensive ideas for rewards can be found here; however, including your child's ideas for motivational rewards, and taking into account what is doable for you are essential. "I'll get my homework done now, because I know I can play outside afterwards."

8. Build optimism. Encourage a positive outlook as much as possible. This does not mean ignoring stress, grief, anxiety, or loss, or espousing simplistic comments that deny your child's personal emotions. As we all know, telling someone to "chill out" or "get over it" when they are upset is not only ineffective, but builds distrust and resentment. A compassionate and optimistic perspective demonstrates that you and your child can get through a tough situation, and learn from and even grow as a result of enduring hardship. This includes instilling an attitude of flexibility, optimism, humor, belief in one's ability to endure and overcome challenges, and an understanding that we cannot control everything - but can control our reactions to situations. "I don't like social studies and hate when the teacher calls on me, but I don't have to be the best in the class - I just have to get through it."

While a range of additional factors affect resilience-building, ranging from difficulty with executive functioning skills to untreated depression, the above strategies are a start. Part three of this series will cover more specific strategies for addressing how your child thinks about and perceives specific situations, and how to challenge negative thinking. In short, though, the basic steps to consider include the following:

    1. Assess the situation, and identify factors (intrinsic, situational, attitudinal, a skills deficit) that contribute to the problem

    2. Understand your child's strengths and vulnerabilities

    3. Approach resilience-building as a strategy and not a personal trait

    4. Consider resilience-building as just as important as other skills (such as academics, manners, social skills, and executive functioning skills)

    5. Encourage developmentally appropriate autonomy, problem-solving strategies, and healthy risk-taking, along with your child's ideas and input into addressing any problem.