Back-to-School Checklist for Gifted and Twice-Exceptional Students

It's more than the usual chaos and uncertainty. Here's what families need to know.

                                                            Image: Pexels/Caleb Oquendo

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional (2e) children are tasked with a somewhat different back-to-school checklist.

Yes, the backpack, lunchbox, and basic school supplies are on the list. But parents of gifted kids face additional challenges that frequently differ from the norm.

The following are tasks to consider when shepherding your gifted or 2e child (who has a co-existing condition such as ADHD or a learning disability) back to school.

A checklist for the tasks ahead

1. Consider what evaluations or supports your child needs

If your child has not yet received a cognitive or neuropsychological evaluation (and you have concerns about boredom or academic and social/emotional struggles), approach the school for your next step. It can take weeks, if not months, to schedule an evaluation, so submit your request as soon as possible. In many school districts, there is a specific protocol for requesting an evaluation. Ask your child’s teacher or the administration about what to do.

If gifted identification is mandated where you live (something that varies depending on your state or province), the school is required to provide testing. If not, you might need to search for a private evaluation, especially if your child is in a private school.

Based on results from the evaluation, your child may qualify for an Individualized Education Plan (IEP), a Gifted Individualized Education Plan (GIEP) or a 504 Plan (examples of terms used to denote special services for students who qualify due to a disability or gifted cognitive abilities). These plans are typically devised in collaboration with you and your child’s teacher and a specialist (such as a reading specialist or gifted education consultant), and the school psychologist. Sometimes your child is also invited to these meetings, depending on their age.

Once there is agreement among all participants, the plan becomes a “legal document” that informs and mandates services your child should recieve throughout the school year. The plan is revisited at least once a year to assess progress and tweak what is necessary going forward.

If your child requires supports beyond gifted education, such as help with a learning disability or fine motor skills, services will include professionals, such as a reading specialist, occupational therapist, licensed mental health professional, or a tutor.

2. Request an IEP meeting as soon as possible

If your child already has an IEP, GIEP, or 504 plan, set up a time to revise the plan. What worked last year may not work now. Make sure a meeting is in place — even to touch base about how/when/where your child will receive the support they need.

Advocacy efforts, unfortunately, fall on you, since many education professionals are overworked and under pressure to manage a large classroom full of students with diverse needs. If you reside in an area without mandates for gifted education or your child attends a private school, set up a meeting with whomever is in charge of education support.

And sometimes, giftedness or twice-exceptional needs are overlooked or misunderstood (see: What Families Wish the Experts Knew). Educate yourself about your child’s challenges and what resources may be necessary.

3. Search for activities outside of school that support and feed your child’s intense interests

Look for activities where your child can thrive outside of the traditional classroom, hone their skills, and find true peers. Many times, these activities spark their passion and allow them to envision their future selves. Some examples include a film-making class, theatre, gymnastics, chess, robotics, music classes, or a math league.

Search for activities that are low cost. When my kids were in school, they thrived through participation in a local chess club. It challenged their intellect and was a healthy outlet for competition. Even better: the cost to join was $15.00 a year! As parents, we were thrilled that they found something they enjoyed… and equally thrilled that it was so affordable!

4. Search for extra-curricular activities unrelated to your child’s giftedness

Sometimes stretching themselves to try something new and different (and perhaps difficult) can open your child’s eyes to strengths they never knew they had. It also builds resilience.

Activities unrelated to school or your child’s cognitive giftedness broaden their horizons and offer new perspectives. When my kids were in elementary school, for example, they were expected to pick one sport and one musical instrument of their choice. This also set a template for stressing the importance of physical exercise and creative outlets.

5. Start planning for the following year

School may have just started, but think ahead to what your child might need going forward. Are they transitioning into middle school or high school next year? Do you need to advocate for grade or subject acceleration or more opportunities for ability grouping? Would they beneift from a different school or summer activity where their talents will flourish? Start your search early, as some programs, schools, or specialty camps fill up quickly.

6. If your child is in high school, start thinking about college

Learning more about college options, financial aid, and the best college fit for your child is essential. Gather information about what will boost your child’s options, such as a good score on the PSATs, classes focused on SAT prep, or dual enrollment at a college (see more about college planning here). Identifying a college that can provide support for students with twice-exceptional conditions also may be relevant.

Even if the school has a college counselor on site, you still know your child best and need to be involved with the college search. In my clinical psychology and consulting practice, I see how families often leave college planning up to their child or the school counselor. Many school counselors are overworked and may not be familiar with colleges that might be most compatible with a gifted or neurodiverse student’s needs. It falls on you to become knowledgeable about what college options are best for your child.

And most teens have trouble deciding what to wear in the morning! Why should we assume that they possess the maturity, foresight, or awareness of potential financial implications (such as exhorbitant costs or loan burden) to find the best college choice? Why would you leave the decision solely up them without your input or guidance?

7. Encourage opportunities for personal and developmental growth

Identify areas of growth that will help your child thrive. This might include a goal to work on social skills (encouraging your shy child to attend more social activities), developing improved executive functioning skills, such as planning and time management, or learning to help others.

Incorporate family values, such as generosity and integrity, and encourage them, for example, to shovel snow for an elderly neighbor or volunteer at an animal shelter. Help them set goals that are just as important as academics.

In my work with high school seniors who are already academically successful, sometimes their task for the entire school year involves taking social risks, learning time management, or developing greater confidence. These non-academic tasks are what psychologist and author Steven Pfeiffer descibes as character strengths that are essential for enhancing emotional intelligence.

8. Pay attention to their social well-being

Focus on what will support your child best with social or emotional struggles. Even the most well-adjusted, socially-connected child goes through tough times. But gifted and 2e children often have greater difficulty finding friends who truly get them.

If your child is young, it may fall on you to set up playdates, with an eye toward encouraging time spent with peers who relate well to your child. If they are older, though, you can still offer some guidance. For example, if your child is anxious, they may require some encouragement, role-modeling about handling difficult interactions, or goal-setting to ensure that they attend social events. If your child is highly sensitive, they may benefit from strategies that support them in stressful social situations. Sometimes, working with the school counselor, school psychologist, or a licensed mental health professional can help.

9. All A’s are not necessarily signs of success

Some gifted children breeze through school, but never learn how to weather academic challenges or develop executive functioning skills. They assume that school should be easy and they may avoid anything that is difficult. Underachievement can take many forms, and can be masked when your child seems to excel.

Working with your child’s teacher or gifted consultant may help. Your child may benefit from specific tasks that require greater effort or help them to develop planning and goal-setting strategies. If your child is perfectionistic, they may benefit from a grade-free option (sometimes available in elementary schools) where they work on a portfolio that showcases their progress rather than a targeted grade.

10. Pay attention to your own health and wellbeing

Raising a gifted or 2e child is a joy, but also quite demanding. As I mentioned throughout my book about parenting gifted children, your self-awareness and attention to your own needs is essential, along with developing a support network of friends, family, and parents of other gifted kids who can navigate this journey with you.

The back-to-school time may be fraught with challenges related to the transition and your own expectations (see: Back-to-School Blues). When you feel strong, clear about your parenting role, and supported by others, you are better equipped to offer the support and guidance your child needs.

Wishing you well for the upcoming school year!

Please share this with others who might be forming their own back-to-school checklists. 

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

What Neuroscience Says About 'EQ' Among the Cogniively Gifted

An explanation that debunks the "socially clueless" narrative

Image: Unsplash/Flash

Gifted folks are often stereotyped as interpersonally clueless.

Film and media portrayals of socially inept characters — the Sheldons and Sherlocks — are pervasive. Cognitively gifted children and adults are pigeonholed as necessarily lacking in EQ (shorthand for emotional quotient, a popular term for emotional intelligence).

But these stereotypes are far from the truth.

In real life, there is no scorecard that tallies up and evenly distributes abilities… where cognitive strengths must be counterbalanced by social deficits.

And what sometimes seems like a deficit is often linked to hidden strengths, as described below.

Beyond stereotypes

The stereotype of the socially inept gifted child is narrow and misleading.

Yes, of course, some gifted children feel ill-equipped (or disinclined) to navigate the social climate. And asynchronous development (where social maturity sometimes lags behind intellect) can delay acquisition of social skills.

And yes, many gifted children and adults don’t fit the norm. They eschew social niceties, mingling at parties, or boring conversations. They question social rules and expectations. They prefer immersion in what interests them most rather than chasing acceptance from the popular crowd.

Despite their atypical approach to social expectations, gifted folks are keenly aware of the social world — actively observing, empathizing, absorbing, and emotionally reacting to what’s happening around them.

In fact, recent research suggests that a gifted person’s heightened sensitivity, cognitive complexity, and compassionate attunement to the suffering of others are signs of a high EQ.

And empathy is the key.

The empathy effect

Empathy (the capacity to put yourself in another person’s shoes and understand their experience) is emblematic among the gifted. Even when it is not always obvious.

Consider the following:

· What if social differences among the gifted — the non-conformity, the introversion, the discomfort when tasked with superficial conversation, the sheer refusal to engage in meaningless banter — were linked with profound empathic attunement to others?

· What if sadness over a wounded animal or refusal to join the popular crowd (because they bully others) or an aversion to violent movie scenes were all tied to deep compassion for those who suffer?

· What if their anxiety and obsessive worries, a capacity to envision potential harm, and despair over injustice and politics and climate change keep them up at night and leave little room to care about social norms or others’ expectations?

· What if they are already hooked on creative immersion in what matters most, intent on finding their “flow,” and cannot be bothered with rote learning, seemingly pointless conversation, or rigid rules?

· What if their nervous system seems like it is on fire, leaving them simultaneously activated and exhausted from heightened sensations and worries and way too much compassion for the world’s suffering?

If your nervous system worked this way (and if you’re reading this, perhaps you know that it does!), you might feel depleted, too. You might need to withdraw from mandatory social events, retreat to your comfort zone, and limit socializing to those few, dear friends who truly understand.

In fact, your child’s withdrawal from others may be a protective maneuver in response to an overloaded nervous system — not an aversion to socializing.

Your gifted friend’s seeming aloofness may not stem from a lack of caring, but instead, from inaction due to a fear of saying the wrong thing.

Your spouse’s need to retreat in the evening may be a recovery tactic to cope with exhaustion after a day spent absorbing others’ emotions and processing so much about the world around them.

Giftedness, empathy, heightened reactivity, and “internal wiring”

Research findings (and common sense) recognize that an emotionally supportive, academically challenging, and highly resourced environment are essential ingredients for how a gifted child’s cognitive abilities are expressed.

But a child’s internal wiring is not as readily modifiable.

And empathy is part of that wiring.

Even when raised in a supportive environment that cushions the blow of real world challenges, emotionally gifted children still process experiences through a lens of depth and intensity — absent the self-blame and shame that arises if their sensitivity is mocked or criticized.

And recent research offers a window into this internal experience among the gifted.

Heightened sensitivity among the gifted is linked to neurological differences in “mirror neurons” found on fMRI and EEG studies, wrote counselor and Tel Aviv University professor emerita, Hanna David in a summary of recent studies:

“Mirror neurons are brain cells that are activated both when performing an action and when observing someone else performing it. They enable understanding, empathy, and social learning. They reflect the actions of others and help decode intentions and emotions (such as pain or joy) through automatic mental simulation, thus forming the basis for human communication and imitation. They also enhance learning, which occurs to a large extent through imitation, by “lighting up” when we observe another person’s actions or emotions.”

Recent research on the “hyperactivity” of mirror neurons — also known as hypermirroring — focuses on both misophonia (a sensory-emotional condition that is often expressed as aversion to certain sounds) and emotional giftedness tied to exceptional empathy.

The concept of hypermirroring, according to David, is a neurological term that describes how some people react to the “actions, sounds, or emotions of others with much higher intensity than what is considered ‘normal,’’’ and leads to “deeper emotional connection and intense, rapid learning.”

Emotionally gifted folks may possess heightened empathy, intuition, sensitivity, and a need for time alone to recharge, but also crave social connection.

Contrary to the clueless, socially averse prototype, the gifted are often highly attuned to what they observe in others, actively seek out relationships, and thrive among like-minded peers.

Strengths and drawbacks of hyper-empathy

David points out that highly empathetic gifted folks can experience exhaustion and emotional overload, including physical and emotional reactions.

Whether witnessing another person’s (or animal’s) suffering, reacting to violence in film or the news, or neglecting their own needs so they can care for others, emotionally gifted people experience powerful reactions:

“When a gifted person has overactive mirror neurons, they may be highly aware of themselves, their needs, and desires, and understand them well — but at the same time, they can not only understand others but actually feel them and identify with them deeply.”

“Hyper-empathy can get extreme,” acknowledged clinical psychologist and giftedness and misophonia expert, Heidi Lack, PhD, ATR-BC in an interview for this article. It “floods the individual with incoming data that places a burdensome demand to simultaneously filter, discern, and navigate, while attempting to attune to and manage their own emotional intensities.”

Lack described how hyper-empathy can “amplify the incoherence felt when social norms are perceived as dissonant with one’s nervous system’s sensitivity, emotion regulation needs, or one’s ethics.” And ethical conflicts may arise when faced with a “complex social world that prioritizes similarity over individuality, power and loyalty over empathy.”

“Sudden, disruptive and confusing empathic experiences, such as experienced by many with misophonia,” according to Lack, “may be interpreted by our brain-body as a threat, generate discomfort, and shatter our sense of coherence.”

At times, though hyper-empathy has its perks.

Attuned awareness contributes to a deep understanding of others that affects all areas of life. David points out that this capacity typically arises at a young age and has advantages in both friendships and work settings.

It’s not just the poets and philosophers and visionaries. Empathy supercharges awareness among business leaders, veterinary technicians, city planners, store clerks, medical professionals, sports coaches, parents, and teachers, to name only a few.

And Lack highlights how empathic attunement, under the right conditions, is a joyful, meaningful experience that enhances social interactions. “Harmonic empathy is experienced as positive, amplifying our sense of self in relation to the other and feelings of being in greater connection to them.”

Empathy is key to feeling understood, heard, accepted, and appreciated — the essential ingredients of any successful relationship or collaborative endeavor.

What you can do

Hyper-empathy can be a lot.

It falls on parents, teachers, and the entire community to understand that emotionally gifted children and teens experience the world with exceptional intensity.

You can’t talk a child out of their sensitivity or their deep well of empathy. Criticism or attempts to cajole them to toughen up will typically backfire and infuse a sense of shame.

They need support, understanding, and guidance to learn how to manage such “big” feelings. In a sense, they must learn how to lower the volume on their emotional dial (like a radio) when reactions become overwhelming.

Helping them find friend groups where others “get them,” encouraging down time to recharge their energies, and training in mindfulness, self-regulation and calming strategies allow them to function in the real world without as much distress (more on coping strategies in a future article).

And of course, providing a learning environment where it’s both safe to be smart and empathetic attunement is essential.

With support, gifted children and adults (and their parents and teachers) can develop the resilience to weather crises as well as day-to-day encounters that tug on their hearts. But the first step requires greater acceptance and an understanding of how hyper-empathy permeates their sense of self and colors how they relate to the world around them.

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.