What giftedness is not: A list to share with those who don't get it

 

Misconceptions about giftedness abound. 

Many folks think they know what gifted is – those whip smart kids who know all the answers, who overachieve, whose parents must be “pushing” them, who are nerds and misfits. It is assumed that parenting – and teaching – gifted kids must be a breeze, and that they cruise through school, waltz into an ivy league college, move on to a tech start-up, and are good to go.

 

But these assumptions are rarely true - other than the whip-smart part. Parents of the gifted – and grown-up gifted adults – know the reality; giftedness is a mixed bag of amazing intellect, creativity, and attuned sensitivity combined with uneven development, social struggles, and emotional reactivity.

All of this leaves them feeling different from the norm... because they are.

Here is a short list of ten myths and misconceptions about giftedness: 

Giftedness is not…

 1. Neurotypical. These kids process information differently, with greater speed, pace, and depth of thinking. They also may possess overexcitabilities, asynchronous development (where their maturity lags behind their intellect) or twice-exceptionalities (where they struggle with a condition, such as ADHD, anxiety or a learning disability. They are different! 

2. A one-size-fits-all concept. Gifted children don’t necessarily progress at the same rate (especially when asynchronous development is evident), and their areas of strengths, interests, and intensities vary from one child to the next. Their gifts cannot be pigeon-holed into one simplistic category.      

3. Readily identifiable. Not all gifted kids are easily noticed. Many do not fit the stereotype of the exceptionally verbal, high achieving child, and remain under-identified by parents and schools. Many are overlooked because they are late bloomers or disengaged from school or have a twice-exceptional condition that masks their talents. Many are also ignored because of racial, gender, or sociocultural biases.

4. Elitist. Despite false assumptions that giftedness is the purview of the White and wealthy, gifted children can be found among every racial, cultural and economic group. Unfortunately, gifted children who are minorities, English Language Learners, or those from impoverished backgrounds are most frequently under-identified and excluded from receiving gifted services.

5. A bastion of nerds and misfits. Look around. Some of the most interesting, creative, and funny people we know are gifted. Just think about some of our greatest thinkers, leaders, and comedians. Challenging these stereotypes about the gifted is long overdue.

6. A choice. Despite some misguided claims on social media, you cannot choose to reinvent your child as neurotypical by ignoring their differences. Giftedness is merely a term that describes their neurodiversity; it is nothing to boast about - but also nothing to hide.

7. A disturbance. Widespread myths, misconceptions, and misdiagnoses abound – amplified by media portrayals of the lonely misfit or anxious overachiever. While some gifted kids struggle with mental health problems (just like anyone else), giftedness also engenders resilience and strength.

8. A guarantee of success. Talent, potential, and smarts? Yup. But motivation and a drive to achieve may evade them, depending on their temperament and especially, their learning environment. Self-doubts, boredom, poor executive functioning skills, or perfectionism. for example, can derail their efforts.

9. Easy to raise. Nope. Raising a child with heightened sensitivities, energy, and intensity, along with asynchronous development and social struggles is an added challenge. And finding the best academic fit is a challenge for many families, as they must regularly advocate in the schools or find sometimes time-intensive or costly alternatives, such homeschooling or private schools.

10. A bad thing. Definitely not true! Embrace your child’s enormous energy and passion for learning. Laugh along with their quirks and offbeat sense of humor. Commiserate with their big emotions, empathy, and compassion for others. Relish their intensity and depth. They are a bundle of joy for you to embrace.

Enjoy the ride!

A similar version of this article was published in the GHF Journeys online newsletter.

Image above is attributed to Unsplash/Siora Photography

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

 

 

 

Gifted impatience: Is it a thing?

One of the most baffling traits shared by some gifted folks is their impatience. They grapple with a world that makes no sense and endure constant reminders that their intentions are misunderstood. They fume about others' foibles, despair over job snafus, and sometimes abandon friendships when values differ.

Yet, the gifted also typically possess heightened sensitivity and empathy. So how does that translate into a low tolerance for others' (or their own) mistakes?

A gifted individual's sensitivity and empathy, their astute awareness, and their complex minds all blend with their high expectations when forming perceptions of people or events. This fuels impatience when others (or when they, themselves) fail to live up to these expectations. 

Impatience starts in childhood and continues well into adulthood

Impatience with others starts early. You see it in young gifted children. They become enraged when their friends don't understand the boardgame rules or can't appreciate their passion for cataloging geological eras. They become bossy or demanding or run home crying in despair when their friends don't get them. Later, they learn to suppress outward signs of frustration, but are furious inside. Worse yet, they quickly realize how much they differ from others, assume they'll never find their niche, and may start to withdraw. 

Adolescence compounds the problem. An awareness of their differentness amplifies the usual teen angst related to peer pressure and dissillusionment with authority. Gifted teens often feel betrayed by cultural, religious, and family values that no longer make sense, and may experience an existential crisis. They see their peers making impractical choices they would never consider, such as risky sexual behaviors or excessive drug and alcohol use, and don't understand why some kids seem to hate learning. They feel like old souls in a child's body, and realize how they just don't fit in with mainstream society. 

Some gifted teens place undue demands on themselves. They are impatient and unforgiving when they make a mistake, striving to achieve unattainable expectations. Other gifted teens may be perceived as opinionated and arrogant, or at the very least, unapproachable. Their cynicism and snarky rebuttals create barriers that interfere with relationships. They become frustrated with their peers' slower pace or seemingly simplistic grasp of the facts, and may lose respect for teachers or other authority figures whom they deem lacking in complexity. 

As adults, gifted folks may feel alienated from family members and even old friends whom they no longer respect. They endure frustration at work when colleagues seem disengaged or lack a strong work ethic or (once again) cannot grasp information as quickly. Rote tasks, arbitrary rules, and small talk can become unbearable. Tolerating company directives they view as pointless leaves them demoralized. Many gifted folks feel their ideas are "correct;" yet, that is small comfort when they feel so misunderstood and alone.

What can an impatient gifted person do in a world that makes no sense?

1. First, recognize your grief. Your gift for seeing the world clearly and with depth and complexity creates a dilemma that sometimes leaves you on the outside looking in. Most classmates, neighbors, or coworkers are not going to understand or agree. You may need to grieve this reality and reach out to those few trusted friends or family, or even a therapist, who can understand and validate your perspective. They don't need to agree with every point; they just need to acknowledge the sadness and despair underneath your frustration. Let them in. Let them support and comfort you.

2. Secondly, consider that you may not always be "right." We are always growing and learning. What seems like an absolute may change over time. Consider that what seems like truth may be infused with your unique perspective formed through personal experiences, cultural values, family influences, or the limitations of your education. There is so much you don't know. 

3. Enlist your powerful empathy. You may have boundless compassion for those less fortunate, yet bristle when your coworker cannot complete assignments on time. Enlist your astute radar for what others are feeling and remind yourself that many people you encounter are trying their best and may not have the same privilege as you. 

4. Okay, but empathy and compassion have their limits. In fact, you might not want to remain in untenable situations for too long. This could mean leaving your job, changing careers, or disengaging from some friendships. Finding more meaningful, stimulating, and engaging connections may seem impossible at first, given the limited number of gifted folks out there. And of course, not every gifted person you meet is going to agree with you! But searching for meaning and intellectual challenge is vital to your own well-being; don't ignore this mandate.

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5. Commit to self-regulation and to cultivating a self-care practice so you can more easily manage the frustrations that inevitably arise. This might include some of the basics, such as sound nutrition, regular exercise, and a consistent sleep schedule. It can also include a calming practice (such as meditation, yoga, or even prayer), creative outlets, meaningful volunteer work, and joyful time with loved ones. You may feel things intensely; that doesn't mean intensity must be debilitating. Find the self-care strategies that work best and commit to using them. 

6. Find connection and support. Yes, you can enlist logic and critical thinking and rely on yourself to figure things out. But battling frustrations on your own keeps you isolated. Join activities where like-minded peers converge. Find a support group for gifted folks. Express your frustrations through creative outlets, exercise, or venting to friends. Reach out to loved ones. Consider therapy if your feelings of despair or frustration become overwhelming. 

Your impatience is a warning sign that something is amiss. You have choices in how you digest and interpret information and in how you approach each person or situation. Developing resilience and coping strategies for frustrating encounters and disappointments are essential. The serenity prayer used in almost all 12-step programs is a great reminder to recognize what you can and cannot change and to develop the wisdom to know the difference. Enlist your immense capacity for logic and critical thinking when evaluating what you can do going forward, but don't let expectations or a desire for perfection (in yourself or others) limit you. And reach out to others for support; you don't have be endure your emotions in isolation.

 

“Simplicity, patience, compassion; these three are your greatest treasures.” - Lao Tzu, ancient Chinese philosopher

 

Eating disorders among the gifted: Are they more at risk?

The convergence of giftedness and eating struggles is like a perfect storm. Gifted individuals, with their propensity toward overthinking, perfectionism, heightened sensitivities, and overexcitabilities may be at risk for developing eating disorders. Young women and men are bombarded with societal messages that idealize thinness and muscularity, an even more difficult challenge in a world where foods high in sugar, simple carbohydrates, salt, and fats are so readily available.

The list of what triggers eating-disordered behaviors is long, and a full overview is beyond the scope of this brief article. However, some known risk factors include depression, anxiety, dieting, trauma, body image dissatisfaction, an idealization of thinness, peer influences, and perfectionism.  Culbert and colleagues, for example, used a biopsychosocial model as a lens for understanding these triggers. In their review of the literature, they summarized that eating-disordered symptoms are more likely to arise when personality traits of negative emotionality (anxiety, sadness, anger, and mood swings), perfectionism, and "negative urgency" (a tendency to act impulsively when distressed) are combined with sociocultural pressures and an idealization of thinness. 

Despite an upsurge in research over the past 30 years, it is not always clear why some individuals - even those with predisposing traits, such as perfectionism or anxiety - develop an eating disorder and others do not. 

Many investigations of eating disordered symptoms are qualitative. Many use a small sample size. A wide range of populations have been studied (ranging from high school students to clinical populations within treatment settings), and some research includes "disordered eating" (rather than clearly defined diagnoses), complicating any comparisons across studies. And hallmark features of anorexia nervosa, such as rigid and controlling behaviors, are difficult to compare with characteristics of impulsivity and emotional dysregulation commonly found in bulimia nervosa or binge eating disorder. In fact, a study (based on my dissertation - yes, a gazillion years ago!), found significant differences even among subtypes of bulimic adolescents.

Are gifted individuals more at risk for developing an eating disorder? 

The overlap between traits seen among the gifted and those with eating disorders is striking, even though most gifted people do not develop an eating disorder. In my clinical practice, I have specialized in eating disorders as well as giftedness, and have seen clients struggling with eating disorders or obesity in residential, inpatient, outpatient, and private practice settings. Most of these clients were exceptionally bright and likely gifted - something not necessarily as common among other mental health conditions. 

It makes sense that gifted overthinkers, individuals with perfectionistic strivings, and those with low self-esteem and harsh self-expectations might develop an eating disorder. It also seems reasonable to assume that highly sensitive gifted individuals or those struggling with emotional dysregulation and the challenges of impulsivity or ADHD might gravitate toward eating-disordered behaviors in an unhealthy attempt to regulate their strong emotions. 

Yet, very little research has been conducted that might lend support (or refute) the assumption that eating disorders are prevalent among the gifted. 

Recently, though, Beiser and Gillespie studied a group of gifted teens in the US and reported that 20% admitted to negative body image and problematic eating behaviors. However, a national poll of adolescents found that approximately two-thirds of teens experience body image concerns (although the criteria used to define eating dysregulation or body image concerns differs across these studies, making any comparison difficult). Studies of eating disorders and high achievers (not necessarily gifted, but there may be some overlap here with gifted students) have identified predictors such as stressful life events and academic stress, There is also an association between eating disorders and ADHD (common among twice-exceptional individuals), as highlighted in a recent ADDitude article. Again, it seems clear that further investigation of an association between giftedness and eating disorders is needed.

What you can do

If you or your child are struggling with an eating disorder, compulsive overeating, restrictive eating, orthorexia (a preoccupation with only eating "healthy" foods), compulsive exercising, or anxiety about body image, seeking support is the first step. This is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week - designed to highlight the challenges faced by individuals with eating disorders and the importance of finding help when needed. More information about the causes of eating disorders and available treatment can be found on the NEDA and ANAD websites. 

Psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional (see this guide about what to expect) and counseling with a registered dietitian who specializes in eating disorders is essential. Steer clear of advice from a personal coach or unlicensed nutritionist or fitness trainer who lack training in the field and may offer advice that could worsen the condition. For example, dietary "cures" sometimes touted by those untrained with eating disorders can backfire and add fuel to the fire. Family involvement is also necessary to treat the problem, along with group support and medical monitoring. Both addressing the underlying cause and taking active behavioral steps to change are essential. The sooner the problems are addressed, the easier the path to recovery. 

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

Back to school during a Pandemic: How to help your gifted child thrive

These past 18 months have been tough, Loss, uncertainty, anxiety, and the daily inconveniences wrought by COVID-19 have affected just about everyone. It is not surprising that parents of young children have been identified as one of the most stressed-out demographics. Lack of clarity about childcare, few good educational options, and questions about when to allow your child to socialize are just a few of the stressors parents face. Worries about keeping your family safe, supporting your child's emotional well-being, and the possibility of another lost school year add to the mix. 

With school starting up again, parents may question how to support their child's motivation and well-being. Will they adapt after a year of online or hybrid classes? Will they flounder socially, especially if they had limited contact with peers over the past year? Will they exert effort - even if classes seem different or revert to online instruction again? 

Parenting a gifted child poses additional challenges. While some gifted children are highly adaptable, others may struggle. Rigid expectations, perfectionism, heightened sensitivity, and difficulty relating to peers complicate adjustment to this new normal of 2021. And watered-down or hybrid instruction is likely even more frustrating for gifted children. 

How can you help your gifted child adapt to this new school year? Here are a few ideas to consider:

1. Support their innate resilience

Remind your child that despite disappointments, they will thrive and adapt. Allow your child to feel discouraged - without shame - but then address how they can move forward. This is no different than how you might respond to their disappointment over losing a soccer tournament, failing a test, or friendship woes. Let them know you care and understand their upset, but reassure them that you know they will move past this. For younger children, you might invoke a superhero character they admire who rises to a challenge. For older children, point out the character-building aspects of enduring hardship (even if they roll their eyes), and that you have no doubt they will get through this. Point out that resilience is borne of struggle.

2. Challenge any tendency to obsess or intensify their anxiety

Many gifted children - with such highly active minds - have a tendency to overthink and obsess. Remind them that logic and strategic planning are quite different from obsessive thinking. Help them develop strategies for relaxing their body and mind by identifying calming techniques, such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, mindfulness, and using their senses to relax through music, aromatherapy, or visual imagery of a peaceful scene (note that in addition to the links listed here, many additional strategies can be found online). Essentially, you are providing them a toolbox of strategies they can try. Point out that overthinking and overplanning only temporarily relieve anxiety, and instead, fuel further obsessive thinking. Help them identify a reasonable plan for whatever worries them, and agree to stick with it. Cognitive-behavioral techniques and resilience-building strategies, as mentioned here, can be used to challenge negative thinking.

3. Use this period in time to overcome perfectionism, rigidity, and unrealistic expectations. 

During the Pandemic, some activities once viewed as reliable outlets were curtailed or completely eliminated (e.g., sports, theater, music ensembles). Schools cut back on classroom instruction, and offered whatever they could as they limped through a difficult year. If your gifted child holds high standards or is perfectionistic, their efforts may have been stymied. This is a good time to revisit the downside of perfectionism, and support a healthier intrinsic drive to excel. The absence of typical feedback or competitions through school may allow them to engage their abilities without comparing themselves to others. If your gifted child holds inflexible expectations toward self or others, encourage them to work toward breaking free from these constraints. The Pandemic has been a great equalizer, and your child may be able to put some harsh, self-imposed expectations into perspective. Achieving perfection, for example, may no longer seem so important. 

4. Encourage motivation, despite limited opportunities

If your gifted child trends toward underachievement - especially when frustrated with the curriculum - remind them that hard work is still expected. They may feel discouraged and angry over rote assignments or an absence of extra-curriculars that provided contact with like-minded peers. Nevertheless, just as their household chores have not magically disappeared during the Pandemic, they still are expected to apply themselves at school. Remind your child that these are difficult times, and although their frustration is understandable, their job as a student requires active effort and participation. You might consider sharing examples of your own past motivational struggles. Again, acknowledge their distress, but remain consistent with your reasonable expectations.

5. Help your child envision new and different opportunities

For gifted children who already felt disconnected from school, online or hybrid classes or homeschooling may have provided relief from social stressors. A reduction in academic demands may have opened up new opportunties that previously were overlooked. Your child may have discovered new hobbies and interests over the past year, developed deeper friendships within their "social bubble," or felt free to be themselves without the peer pressure to conform. Help your child embrace some of this self-discovery and continue to incorporate it into their lives going forward. 

As we all stumble through this difficult period of time and wait patiently until life regains some normalcy, recognize that your loving, attentive, consistent, and forgivably imperfect parenting provides the foundation that allows your child to thrive. Your flexibility, endurance, and ability to regroup when situations go awry also serve as models for your child's learning. Wishing you all a healthy, engaging school year ahead.

(Note: if you or your child cannot rebound and feels depressed, anxious, or hopeless, it is critical to seek support through your local crisis intervention center or therapy with a licensed mental health professional.)