Those lazy, hazy days of summer can be a great time for resilience-building.
Some parents initiate a flurry of activities and scheduled events; others let their kids meander through the summer, devise their own entertainment, and take a break from formal education.
Whatever your summer plans, though, you can place some resilience-building activities on the agenda.
What is resilience?
Resilience is loosely defined as the ability to bounce back from and thrive after adversity. It is a behavioral skill that can be cultivated — not a fixed personality trait. No one is resilient in every situation; we are influenced by an interplay of personal characteristics and family, cultural, and social circumstances.
In my recent review article of research on giftedness and resilience, studies have shown the following:
Giftedness can contribute to both inherent strengths that serve as protective factors, but also amplify social, emotional, academic, motivational, and vocational struggles. Gifted intellectual strengths (including critical thinking skills, internal locus of control, and openness to experience) have been viewed as buffering mechanisms that enhance resilience; however, the emotional reactivity common among the gifted also may impart a psychological vulnerability”
In other words, “giftedness infuses an added layer of cognitive complexity, introspection, and sensitivity that may trigger or intensify emotional distress.” In fact, the benefits of resilience-building cannot be overstated — and at times, it is more essential than other skills-building or talent development opportunities.
How to help your gifted child build resilience
Children benefit from a challenge — and ultimately develop resilience when they grow from said challenge.
But finding the sweet spot between challenges that are too easy or too hard can be difficult. Whether associated with academic, athletic, or social challenges, parents of gifted kids often struggle to find the right balance. Here are a few resilience-building ideas:
1. Try a new or difficult activity
It is humbling to try something new.
Many gifted children are used to excelling and may base their sense of self upon this expectation. Any possibility of failure or mediocrity can be devastating. Trying a difficult new task provides an opportunity to upend these expectations and build resilience. Pushing themselves further to tackle something new can instill the essential "non-cognitive skills" (such as empathy, motivation, humility, endurance) that help them thrive.
They also might discover a new interest or previously unrealized strengths .
Skills-building can include trying a completely new activity, pushing themselves to advance a skill they already enjoy, engaging their creative strengths, or delving more deeply into an area of interest. If your child loves math, for example, they might learn to code. If they love art, they might try a new painting technique or transition from watercolor to oil painting. If they gravitate toward science, a fun summer chemistry class might ignite their interests further.
Any new skill developed over the summer can build resilience and instill greater confidence as they approach the next school year.
2. Tackle fears
Summer is a good time for tackling nagging fears and anxiety. A less demanding schedule frees up time to work on what worries your gifted child most, whether it’s fear of failure and imperfection or entrenched fears and phobias. This requires a measured, compassionate, and supportive approach, devoid of harsh expectations or rigid goals. You know your child best, and probably already know that pushing them too hard will backfire, provoke further resistance, and even increase their fears. A child who is terrified of heights, for example, is not yet ready for a ziplining course.
However, a gradual approach and gentle prodding or goal-setting can help them face what they most fear. Healthy distractions, calming strategies, mindfulness techniques, and even deep breathing exercises can provide support as they confront these fears. (Please note that sometimes working with a licensed mental health professional can assist them when they need more guidance and support.)
3. Find new friends
Friendships can be complicated for gifted kids.
They are drawn to like-minded peers who "get them" and can appreciate or at least accept their sometimes intense and offbeat approach to the world. But even when they find someone who seems relatable, they may hesitate to build a friendship. Encourage your child to set a playdate with the child they rave about from robotics camp, for example, or plan a movie outing with their new friend from art class — even if reaching out seems overwhelming. If your child is willing to let you guide them, coach them and use role-play on how to approach other children.
Most kids your child encounters are not cognitively gifted, though, and may not approach the world with the same level of intensity. But learning to find friends among that vast sea of neurotypical children will serve your gifted child well. Encourage them to reach out to the new neighbor or their tennis partner from camp or that outgoing, seemingly confident child they sometimes play with at the playground.
The ability to relate to those who seem different is a skill that will last a lifetime. Introverted, intense, or shy gifted kids benefit from as many opportunities as possible to flex those social skills muscles.
4. Set goals and follow through on them
Encourage your child to set some basic goals and follow through on them. Your child builds resilience when they learn to ride a bike, develop a new skill, write their college entrance essays ahead of time (if they are a rising senior), tackle their fear of spiders, or invite a new friend to come over and play.
Perfection and absolute success are never required; coming close to reaching their goals, seeing their progress along the way, and keeping an open mind toward trying something new are valuable lessons.
You also might have specific goals you would like your child to accomplish — like reading a few books or keeping their room clean. You can certainly express your expectations and work with them to devise incentives or rewards for reaching these goals. And a reminder: rewards do not have to be monumental. Develop a reasonable plan with mini-rewards (such as an extra hour at the pool or additional screen time) as they achieve markers of success or demonstrate reasonable efforts to follow through on tasks.
5. Find volunteer activities
Volunteer work creates fulfillment and an eyes-wide-open perspective on privilege and the struggles others endure. It enhances resilience-building as children gain empathy for others' needs and build confidence when they recognize how they can be of service. Some examples include working on a fund drive to support a homeless shelter, picking up litter at a local park, volunteering at an animal shelter, or coaching a younger student to improve math skills.
Gifted children possess an abundance of empathy and concerns about fairness and social justice. Volunteer work will appeal to them and fulfill that longing to better the world. Any meaningful (and safe) activity or effort is valuable and sets a pattern of "giving back" that should last well into adulthood.
While the above suggestions might be useful, keep in mind that resilience-building experiences can occur without specific plans.
In fact, unstructured playtime also builds resilience and enhances problem-solving strategies. Whether managing periods of boredom, negotiating disagreements with neighborhood kids, climbing to the top of the playground equipment, or designing their next LEGO masterpiece, they become more adept at handling social, physical, and learning challenges.
When real-world challenges arise, encourage your child to reflect upon the skills they enlisted and what they learned about themselves. The benefits of resilience-building activities are solidified when they can understand how meeting a challenge fuels their personal growth and confidence. And you, as their parent, are best suited to point out their strengths, their adaptability, and how much they have progressed!
Happy Summer!
This article was previously published on my Substack page.
