When Gifted Children Don't Fit In: Five Tools for Parents and Teachers

What you can do when heartbreak looms

It is heartbreaking to witness a child’s exclusion from peers.

And children who are cognitively gifted (typically identified by an IQ over 130) often feel ignored and even openly rejected by their same-age classmates.

As a clinical psychologist and parenting consultant, I frequently hear painful descriptions of rejection.

Gifted teens who feel like outliers. Parents feeling desperate to understand and best support their child. Adults who describe a painful childhood filled with bullying and haunting memories of isolation and exclusion.

Teachers, athletic coaches, and even camp counselors see this happening in real time.

And as a parent, you may have watched helplessly from the sidelines as other children easily connect on the playground, receive party invitations, and effortlessly attract friends. Your gifted child’s attempts to socialize are often declined — sometimes with evasiveness and other times with blatant rejection. You can’t play with us! You’re not invited!

How this starts

From an early age, gifted children recognize their differences.

They notice how quickly they grasp information compared to their same-age peers. They feel frustrated when other children don’t get their jokes or don’t understand the “rules” of a complicated game. They also feel the sting of rejection when excluded or teased. Some internalize the mocking comments lobbed toward them. Geek. Weirdo. Nerd. Or much worse…

And those who are twice-exceptional (with a co-existing condition such as ADHD, autism, or a learning disability) struggle even more.

What to do when your child or student doesn’t fit in?

Gifted children thrive when surrounded by like-minded peers where they can converse freely, share similar interests, engage in healthy competition, and no longer feel compelled to hide their talents.

Whether on the playground, at school, or on the soccer field, gifted children search for friends who truly “get them.” Their sense of isolation and “differentness” intensifies within most typical classroom settings where ability grouping — an option that might engender a sense of belonging and connection — is not considered.

How can you help your child or student find like-minded peers and navigate their social world while still remaining true to themselves?

What gifted children need

1. Understanding their giftedness

Your child or student already recognizes that they differ from their peers!

A clear, no-frills explanation of giftedness provides a context for what they already know to be true about themselves and conveys the facts without implying that they are somehow better than other children. It helps them understand why finding friends might seem elusive. (For more about how to address this with your child, see this link.)

Teachers can express a matter-of-fact attitude about differences to the entire classroom and refrain from commenting on the gifted student’s abilities or amplifying their differences by asking them to “tutor” other students.

2. Understanding their resistance to navigating social interactions

Remind your child that it is understandable and normal to feel uncomfortable in new social situations. Help them discover what negative thoughts, fears, and frustrations interfere. Ask about their worries and expectations (I just know they’ll laugh at me if I dance at the party).

Your empathy and support — along with a clear acknowledgment that they are different — will help them feel understood.

Teachers can provide support through seating arrangements or group projects where gifted students join with like-minded peers. When they can form connections with students who “get them,” their comfort level in the classrom increases.

3. Developing resilience in the face of challenging social situations

Consider using cognitive and self-regulation techniques, along with encouragement.

Cognitive strategies, such as brainstorming, help your child recognize a full range of possibilities that might explain their peers’ actions (instead of jumping to conclusions). Gifted kids are quick to come up with a solution and sometimes bypass other explanations.

Your child, for example, may assume that a friend is not responding to texts because they don’t like them anymore. Ask your child to compile a list of at least ten other reasons why their friend might be avoiding them.

Teach them calming and self-regulating techniques. Ask them to inhale slowly through their nose, and exhale with a longer exhalation. Some young children respond to imagery, such as blowing bubbles or a butterfly when they exhale. Various meditation or relaxation apps are available and some are geared toward children, such as techniques from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

Help your child identify and choose from a range of strategies for addressing the problem, including:

• Changing the situation (making a decision to find new friends they can trust)

• Taking action (telling their friend what is upsetting them)

• Changing their attitude (recognizing that five years from now, the friend’s rejection will no longer sting).

Schools can support students by conveying respect for each person’s differences, providing opportunities for social-emotional learning, and enlisting counselors to offer social skills groups for children who continue to struggle.

4. Finding social connections related to their interests

Gifted children long for both intellectual and social connection with peers who understand their view of the world and who just “get them.” They thrive when they can collaborate, compete, and be themselves in connection with others.

Schools can offer ability grouping in the classroom, where gifted kids connect with like-minded peers. Encourage participation in extra-curricular activities that appeal to them, such as robotics, theatre, reading Olympics, or meaningful volunteer work.

Activities outside of school could include music ensembles, visual arts, creative writing, film production, chess, coding, or a local museum’s paleontology class. (Some activities may be low-cost or offer financial scholarships.)

5. Improving social skills

Some gifted kids lag behind their peers in social development. While you might help them embrace their differentness, it is nevertheless upsetting when they can’t fit in with their peers.

In fact, in research on parenting concerns that I conducted along with researcher Kali Fedor, parents of both gifted and twice-exceptional children frequently worried about their gifted child’s social struggles.

Learning to navigate social norms is an acquired skill that is attainable while still remaining true to oneself; it helps on the playground, at school, and eventually in the workforce. Gifted children can embrace their uniqueness and show up authentically — and also learn tools for managing anxiety and navigating social interactions.

Developing social skills is not a dictate to mask who they are; instead, your child will feel empowered and have the confidence and skills to interact in challenging situations.

Strategies can include role-playing, imagining various outcomes, and “imaginal rehearsal” where they picture themselves as confident and successful with interactions (more on these strategies in a future article).

Adopting these necessary social skills can ease their anxiety and build confidence. They don’t have to be the life of the party or the most popular kid in their class. But they can find other children to play with or talk to, even if they don’t always feel entirely comfortable (just like the rest of us!).

When your encouragement is not enough, though, enlisting additional support is helpful, such as working with a licensed mental health professional or seeking out school counselors who offer social skills training. Any efforts toward boosting confidence and improving your child’s ability to handle these tough challenges will go a long way.

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A simlar article was published on Medium.

Back-to-School Checklist for Gifted and Twice-Exceptional Students

It's more than the usual chaos and uncertainty. Here's what families need to know.

                                                            Image: Pexels/Caleb Oquendo

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional (2e) children are tasked with a somewhat different back-to-school checklist.

Yes, the backpack, lunchbox, and basic school supplies are on the list. But parents of gifted kids face additional challenges that frequently differ from the norm.

The following are tasks to consider when shepherding your gifted or 2e child (who has a co-existing condition such as ADHD or a learning disability) back to school.

A checklist for the tasks ahead

1. Consider what evaluations or supports your child needs

If your child has not yet received a cognitive or neuropsychological evaluation (and you have concerns about boredom or academic and social/emotional struggles), approach the school for your next step. It can take weeks, if not months, to schedule an evaluation, so submit your request as soon as possible. In many school districts, there is a specific protocol for requesting an evaluation. Ask your child’s teacher or the administration about what to do.

If gifted identification is mandated where you live (something that varies depending on your state or province), the school is required to provide testing. If not, you might need to search for a private evaluation, especially if your child is in a private school.

Based on results from the evaluation, your child may qualify for an Individualized Education Plan (IEP), a Gifted Individualized Education Plan (GIEP) or a 504 Plan (examples of terms used to denote special services for students who qualify due to a disability or gifted cognitive abilities). These plans are typically devised in collaboration with you and your child’s teacher and a specialist (such as a reading specialist or gifted education consultant), and the school psychologist. Sometimes your child is also invited to these meetings, depending on their age.

Once there is agreement among all participants, the plan becomes a “legal document” that informs and mandates services your child should recieve throughout the school year. The plan is revisited at least once a year to assess progress and tweak what is necessary going forward.

If your child requires supports beyond gifted education, such as help with a learning disability or fine motor skills, services will include professionals, such as a reading specialist, occupational therapist, licensed mental health professional, or a tutor.

2. Request an IEP meeting as soon as possible

If your child already has an IEP, GIEP, or 504 plan, set up a time to revise the plan. What worked last year may not work now. Make sure a meeting is in place — even to touch base about how/when/where your child will receive the support they need.

Advocacy efforts, unfortunately, fall on you, since many education professionals are overworked and under pressure to manage a large classroom full of students with diverse needs. If you reside in an area without mandates for gifted education or your child attends a private school, set up a meeting with whomever is in charge of education support.

And sometimes, giftedness or twice-exceptional needs are overlooked or misunderstood (see: What Families Wish the Experts Knew). Educate yourself about your child’s challenges and what resources may be necessary.

3. Search for activities outside of school that support and feed your child’s intense interests

Look for activities where your child can thrive outside of the traditional classroom, hone their skills, and find true peers. Many times, these activities spark their passion and allow them to envision their future selves. Some examples include a film-making class, theatre, gymnastics, chess, robotics, music classes, or a math league.

Search for activities that are low cost. When my kids were in school, they thrived through participation in a local chess club. It challenged their intellect and was a healthy outlet for competition. Even better: the cost to join was $15.00 a year! As parents, we were thrilled that they found something they enjoyed… and equally thrilled that it was so affordable!

4. Search for extra-curricular activities unrelated to your child’s giftedness

Sometimes stretching themselves to try something new and different (and perhaps difficult) can open your child’s eyes to strengths they never knew they had. It also builds resilience.

Activities unrelated to school or your child’s cognitive giftedness broaden their horizons and offer new perspectives. When my kids were in elementary school, for example, they were expected to pick one sport and one musical instrument of their choice. This also set a template for stressing the importance of physical exercise and creative outlets.

5. Start planning for the following year

School may have just started, but think ahead to what your child might need going forward. Are they transitioning into middle school or high school next year? Do you need to advocate for grade or subject acceleration or more opportunities for ability grouping? Would they beneift from a different school or summer activity where their talents will flourish? Start your search early, as some programs, schools, or specialty camps fill up quickly.

6. If your child is in high school, start thinking about college

Learning more about college options, financial aid, and the best college fit for your child is essential. Gather information about what will boost your child’s options, such as a good score on the PSATs, classes focused on SAT prep, or dual enrollment at a college (see more about college planning here). Identifying a college that can provide support for students with twice-exceptional conditions also may be relevant.

Even if the school has a college counselor on site, you still know your child best and need to be involved with the college search. In my clinical psychology and consulting practice, I see how families often leave college planning up to their child or the school counselor. Many school counselors are overworked and may not be familiar with colleges that might be most compatible with a gifted or neurodiverse student’s needs. It falls on you to become knowledgeable about what college options are best for your child.

And most teens have trouble deciding what to wear in the morning! Why should we assume that they possess the maturity, foresight, or awareness of potential financial implications (such as exhorbitant costs or loan burden) to find the best college choice? Why would you leave the decision solely up them without your input or guidance?

7. Encourage opportunities for personal and developmental growth

Identify areas of growth that will help your child thrive. This might include a goal to work on social skills (encouraging your shy child to attend more social activities), developing improved executive functioning skills, such as planning and time management, or learning to help others.

Incorporate family values, such as generosity and integrity, and encourage them, for example, to shovel snow for an elderly neighbor or volunteer at an animal shelter. Help them set goals that are just as important as academics.

In my work with high school seniors who are already academically successful, sometimes their task for the entire school year involves taking social risks, learning time management, or developing greater confidence. These non-academic tasks are what psychologist and author Steven Pfeiffer descibes as character strengths that are essential for enhancing emotional intelligence.

8. Pay attention to their social well-being

Focus on what will support your child best with social or emotional struggles. Even the most well-adjusted, socially-connected child goes through tough times. But gifted and 2e children often have greater difficulty finding friends who truly get them.

If your child is young, it may fall on you to set up playdates, with an eye toward encouraging time spent with peers who relate well to your child. If they are older, though, you can still offer some guidance. For example, if your child is anxious, they may require some encouragement, role-modeling about handling difficult interactions, or goal-setting to ensure that they attend social events. If your child is highly sensitive, they may benefit from strategies that support them in stressful social situations. Sometimes, working with the school counselor, school psychologist, or a licensed mental health professional can help.

9. All A’s are not necessarily signs of success

Some gifted children breeze through school, but never learn how to weather academic challenges or develop executive functioning skills. They assume that school should be easy and they may avoid anything that is difficult. Underachievement can take many forms, and can be masked when your child seems to excel.

Working with your child’s teacher or gifted consultant may help. Your child may benefit from specific tasks that require greater effort or help them to develop planning and goal-setting strategies. If your child is perfectionistic, they may benefit from a grade-free option (sometimes available in elementary schools) where they work on a portfolio that showcases their progress rather than a targeted grade.

10. Pay attention to your own health and wellbeing

Raising a gifted or 2e child is a joy, but also quite demanding. As I mentioned throughout my book about parenting gifted children, your self-awareness and attention to your own needs is essential, along with developing a support network of friends, family, and parents of other gifted kids who can navigate this journey with you.

The back-to-school time may be fraught with challenges related to the transition and your own expectations (see: Back-to-School Blues). When you feel strong, clear about your parenting role, and supported by others, you are better equipped to offer the support and guidance your child needs.

Wishing you well for the upcoming school year!

Please share this with others who might be forming their own back-to-school checklists. 

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.