The Back-to-School Blues

Tips for supporting your child's well-being (and your own) as they transition back to the classroom

Image: Pexels/Saulo Leite

It’s that Back-to-School time of year… when chaos and anxiety are bound to escalate.

Expectations, uncertainty, and change in routines create complex challenges. And in addition to backpacks and school supplies, a back-to-school checklist ideally includes the emotional tasks ahead for you and your child.

A checklist for back-to-school well-being

The following suggestions come from my experience as both a parent and as a clinical psychologist and parenting consultant:

1. Create some closure on the summer

Regardless of whether summer was fun or filled with stress (like a distressing camp experience), transitioning to school is still a daunting challenge.

Create opportunities for conversation, a family meeting, or a goodbye ritual to mark the end of summer. This might include use of creative outlets (art, writing, a collage of photos) to recount their summer experiences, a family reflection about summer highlights, or a ritual related to transition (pulling out cold weather clothing from storage).

2. Discuss expectations about the school year ahead

An ongoing conversation about what’s ahead can set the stage for openness and curiosity about the new school year.

You can express high hopes for a wonderful year. But rather than an unrealistically positive approach (it will be fantastic!), encourage your child to start school with an open mind and a willingness to tolerate disappointments, and provide reassurance that you know they can handle whatever arises.

They may not like their teacher(s) at first, their friend groups may be different this year, and some of the schoolwork might not always be interesting. Help your child learn how to weather frustrations or disappointments through acceptance and self-forgiveness, which is just as important as academic success. It builds resilience for approaching any new ventures as a learning experience. (More on this in a future article.)

3. Discuss your expectations for your child

Consider setting expectations related to motivation, effort, and the capacity to take on new challenges rather than focusing too much on grades. Tackling a new activity, exerting energy to complete a difficult project, and pushing themselves to be more organized will boost your child’s confidence, even if they complain at first.

Expectations also might involve working to overcome social anxiety, finding new friends, or taking on new responsibilities at home. When my kids were old enough to get ready for school on their own, they were expected to get up on time, make breakfast for themselves, and pack their backpacks. It was a win-win: they developed a greater sense of competence, and I got an extra half hour of sleep!

4. Develop a toolkit for dealing with potential problems

Just like an emergency first aid kit, children benefit from the security of knowing what to do if things go wrong.

Discuss how they might handle a situation if they feel unfairly accused of something at school, what to do next if a child punches them at recess, and how to resist peer pressure. Make sure they have a plan if they are too young to stay home alone and are discharged early from school (such as the phone number of a trusted neighbor).

5. Set up a family plan for regular check-ins

When conversations about school, friends, activities, and life in general are commonplace, your child may be more willing to share concerns about school.

But sometimes, life gets in the way and deeper discussions don’t happen. Agree to set a time at least once a week to check in about how they are doing. If your child is particularly reticent to share much, consider a time when they might be more open, such as at bedtime, when they are in the car, or working alongside you on a project.

6. Identify extracurricular interests and expectations

When my kids were young, they agreed on our family’s expectations that they play a musical instrument of their choice and join a community sports team. Extracurricular activities are a reprieve from academic demands and the structure of school. Your child is also likely to meet other children with similar interests.

Many times, these activities can spark lifelong passions. Some examples to consider include sports, a film-making class, theatre, gymnastics, chess, robotics, music classes, dance, art classes, photography, or a math league. And look for activities that are also both convenient and affordable. We found a local chess club for our kids that cost only $15.00 per year to join… an unbeatable price.

7. Advocate at school to support your child

Sometimes the school year gets off to a rocky start. There may be conflicts and misunderstandings with their teacher. Your child complains about hating school. You receive reports from school about disruptive behavior in the classroom. Your child’s grades drop unexpectedly.

Don’t delay. Set up a meeting with your child’s teacher as soon as possible. Learn how you can help at home, such as encouraging organizational strategies or helping your child learn self-regulation and calming skills. Forming an alliance with your child’s teacher benefits all involved; you are part of the team, and your input will help the teacher understand and work effectively with your child.

If problems persist, ask to meet with the school counselor or for an evaluation with the school psychologist (or other professional, such as an occupational therapist or reading specialist). Your child may benefit from an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) which sets guidelines for the current year and includes input from teachers, specialists, and you. An IEP documents the need for special services or accommodations, along with goals for improvement in behavior or academics.

And of course, consider psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional if needed… ideally with an experienced psychotherapist who specializes in working with children.

8. Focus on the long game

Consider what your child needs in the future. Even as they settle into the classroom, start thinking about options for the following year. Is a change in schools needed? Are you thinking of private school or homeschooling if your child’s needs cannot be met at their current school? Do they need ongoing support with a particular problem, such as executive functioning skills, time management, or a learning disability?

And even if your child is young, think about long-term planning that considers both your child’s and your family’s needs. This not only includes setting up a college savings fund, if possible, but identifying family values related to supporting your child.

How important is a summer enrichment activity if you break the bank to pay for it? What values are you trying to instill? Are you teaching them a sense of responsibility, whether through expectations about chores, respectful communication with adults, and consideration toward others in your household? Are you ensuring that your child has fun and is not overly focused on academic demands?

9. Find support for yourself as a parent

Parenting is one of our greatest joys, but at times is stressful and exhausting. Make sure you have the emotional supports you need, whether through a spouse or partner, friends, extended family, or even a parenting support group. Take breaks. Take vacations. Have date nights with your partner or spouse. And find fun activities to engage in with your child… making memories that will last a lifetime.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful school year ahead!

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A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

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A Back-to-School Checklist for Parents of Gifted and Twice-exceptional Children

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional (2e) children are tasked with a somewhat different back-to-school checklist than other parents. Yes, the backpack, lunchbox, and basic school supplies are on the list. But parents of gifted kids bear additional challenges that come with the territory.

Here is a checklist for some of the tasks ahead:

____1. Set up that IEP meeting as soon as possible.

Once your child is settled into school, revisit their IEP, GIEP, or 504 plan (examples of terms used to denote special services for students who qualify due to a disabiity or gifted cognitive abilities). What worked last year may not work now. Make sure a meeting is in place – even to touch base about how/when/where your child will receive the support they need. Advocacy efforts, unfortunately, fall on you, since many professionals lack sufficient knowledge about giftedness or overlook gifted or twice-exceptional needs. And if you reside in an area without mandates for gfited education or your child attends a private school, set up a meeting with whomever is in charge of education support.

____2. Search for activities outside of school that support and feed your child's intense interests. 

Look for activities where they can thrive outside of the bounds of the traditional classroom, hone their skills, and where they might find true peers. Many times, these activities spark their passion and allow them to envision their future selves. Some examples include a film-making class, theatre, gymnastics, chess, or math leagues. Of course, keep within your budget. Many activities are low cost; you just have to search for them.

____3. Consider what evaluations or supports your child needs.

If your child has not received a cognitive or neuropsychological evaluation, approach your school for the next step. If gifted identification is mandated where you live, the school can provide testing. (If not, you will need to search for a private evaluation.) Supports can include any resources that help your child thrive, such as a reading specialist, occupational therapist, licensed mental health professional, or tutor. 

____4. Search for extra-curricular activities unrelated to your child's giftedness.

Sometimes stretching themselves to try something new and different (and perhaps difficult) can open your child's eyes to other possibilities. It also builds resilience. When my kids were in elementary school, for example, they were expected to pick one sport and one musical instrument. Activities unrelated to school or their giftedness broaden their horizons and offer new perspectives. Hyperfocus isn't everything!

____5. Start planning for the following year.

School may have just started, but think ahead to what your child might need going forward. Are they transitioning into middle school or high school next year? Do you need to advocate for grade or subject acceleration or more opportunities for ability grouping? Would they beneift from a different school or summer activity where their talents will flourish? Start your search early, as some programs, schools, or specialty camps fill up quickly. 

____6. If your child is in high school, start thinking about college

Learning more about college options, financial aid, and the best college fit for your child is essential.  Gather information about what will boost your child's options, such as a good score on the PSATs, classes focused on SAT prep, or dual enrollment at a college (see more about college planning here).  Identifying a college that can provide support for students with twice-exceptional conditions also may be relevant. Even if the school has a college counselor on site, you still know your child best and need to be involved with the college search.

____7. Encourage opportunities for personal and developmental growth.

Identify areas of growth that will help your child thrive. This might include a goal to work on social skills (encouraging your shy child to attend more social activities), developing improved executive functioning skills, such as planning and time management (skills that many gifted kids never develop when school is too easy), or using their gifts to help others. Incorporate family values, such as generosity and integrity, and encourage them, for example, to shovel snow for an elderly neighbor or volunteer at an animal shelter. Psychologist and author Steven Pfeiffer descibes character strengths that are essentail for enhancing emotional intelligence – something that many gifted children lack. Help them set goals that are just as important as academics.

____8. Pay attention to their social well-being.

Focus on what will support your child best with social and emotional struggles. Even the most well-adjusted, socially-connected child goes through tough times. But gifted and 2e children often have greater difficulty finding a friend who truly gets them. If your child is young, it may fall on you to set up playdates, with an eye toward encouraging time spent with peers who relate well to your child. If they are older, though, you can still offer some guidance. For example, if your child is anxious, they may require some encouragement and even goal-setting to ensure that they attend social events. If your child is highly sensitive, they may benefit from strategies that support them in stressful social situations. Sometimes, working with the school counselor, school psychologist, or a licensed mental health counselor can help.

____9. All A's are not necessarily a sign of success.

Some gifted children breeze through school, but never learn how to endure challenges or develop executive functioning skills. They assume that challenges should be easy and may avoid anything that is difficult. Underachievement can take many forms, and can be masked when your child seems to excel. Working with your child's teacher or gifted supervisor may help. They may benefit from specific tasks that require greater effort or work on developing planning and goal-setting strategies. If your child is perfectionistic, they may benefit from a grade-free option (sometimes available in elementary schools) where they work on a portfolio that showcases their progress rather than a targeted grade. 

___ 10. Pay attention to your own health and wellbeing.

Raising a gifted or 2e child is a joy, but also quite demanding. As I mentioned throughout my book about parenting gifted children, the parent's self-awareness and attention to their own needs is essential, along with developing a support network of friends, family, and parents of other gifted kids who can navigate this journey with you. When you feel strong, clear about your parenting role, and supported by others, you are better equipped to offer the support and guidance your child needs.

Wishing you well for the upcoming school year!

Related blog posts and articles

For parents:

Five tips for communicating with your gifted child's teacher

When your gifted or twice-exceptional child does not fit in: Six tips for parents

What happens when gifted kids coast through school?

Ten college planning tips: What families of gifted children need to know

Are AP classes good (or bad) for gifted students?

How parents' expectations affect their gifted child

Gifted advocacy is an education

For teachers:

First, do no harm: Nine tactics that teachers of gifted students should avoid

Three essential tips for teachers of gifted children

Intelligence denied: When gifted children's abilities are ignored

And, from psychotherapist and author, Paula Prober:

Quick back-to-school guide for teachers of gifted kids

Image: Pexels/Freestockpro

Back to school during a Pandemic: How to help your gifted child thrive

These past 18 months have been tough, Loss, uncertainty, anxiety, and the daily inconveniences wrought by COVID-19 have affected just about everyone. It is not surprising that parents of young children have been identified as one of the most stressed-out demographics. Lack of clarity about childcare, few good educational options, and questions about when to allow your child to socialize are just a few of the stressors parents face. Worries about keeping your family safe, supporting your child's emotional well-being, and the possibility of another lost school year add to the mix. 

With school starting up again, parents may question how to support their child's motivation and well-being. Will they adapt after a year of online or hybrid classes? Will they flounder socially, especially if they had limited contact with peers over the past year? Will they exert effort - even if classes seem different or revert to online instruction again? 

Parenting a gifted child poses additional challenges. While some gifted children are highly adaptable, others may struggle. Rigid expectations, perfectionism, heightened sensitivity, and difficulty relating to peers complicate adjustment to this new normal of 2021. And watered-down or hybrid instruction is likely even more frustrating for gifted children. 

How can you help your gifted child adapt to this new school year? Here are a few ideas to consider:

1. Support their innate resilience

Remind your child that despite disappointments, they will thrive and adapt. Allow your child to feel discouraged - without shame - but then address how they can move forward. This is no different than how you might respond to their disappointment over losing a soccer tournament, failing a test, or friendship woes. Let them know you care and understand their upset, but reassure them that you know they will move past this. For younger children, you might invoke a superhero character they admire who rises to a challenge. For older children, point out the character-building aspects of enduring hardship (even if they roll their eyes), and that you have no doubt they will get through this. Point out that resilience is borne of struggle.

2. Challenge any tendency to obsess or intensify their anxiety

Many gifted children - with such highly active minds - have a tendency to overthink and obsess. Remind them that logic and strategic planning are quite different from obsessive thinking. Help them develop strategies for relaxing their body and mind by identifying calming techniques, such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, mindfulness, and using their senses to relax through music, aromatherapy, or visual imagery of a peaceful scene (note that in addition to the links listed here, many additional strategies can be found online). Essentially, you are providing them a toolbox of strategies they can try. Point out that overthinking and overplanning only temporarily relieve anxiety, and instead, fuel further obsessive thinking. Help them identify a reasonable plan for whatever worries them, and agree to stick with it. Cognitive-behavioral techniques and resilience-building strategies, as mentioned here, can be used to challenge negative thinking.

3. Use this period in time to overcome perfectionism, rigidity, and unrealistic expectations. 

During the Pandemic, some activities once viewed as reliable outlets were curtailed or completely eliminated (e.g., sports, theater, music ensembles). Schools cut back on classroom instruction, and offered whatever they could as they limped through a difficult year. If your gifted child holds high standards or is perfectionistic, their efforts may have been stymied. This is a good time to revisit the downside of perfectionism, and support a healthier intrinsic drive to excel. The absence of typical feedback or competitions through school may allow them to engage their abilities without comparing themselves to others. If your gifted child holds inflexible expectations toward self or others, encourage them to work toward breaking free from these constraints. The Pandemic has been a great equalizer, and your child may be able to put some harsh, self-imposed expectations into perspective. Achieving perfection, for example, may no longer seem so important. 

4. Encourage motivation, despite limited opportunities

If your gifted child trends toward underachievement - especially when frustrated with the curriculum - remind them that hard work is still expected. They may feel discouraged and angry over rote assignments or an absence of extra-curriculars that provided contact with like-minded peers. Nevertheless, just as their household chores have not magically disappeared during the Pandemic, they still are expected to apply themselves at school. Remind your child that these are difficult times, and although their frustration is understandable, their job as a student requires active effort and participation. You might consider sharing examples of your own past motivational struggles. Again, acknowledge their distress, but remain consistent with your reasonable expectations.

5. Help your child envision new and different opportunities

For gifted children who already felt disconnected from school, online or hybrid classes or homeschooling may have provided relief from social stressors. A reduction in academic demands may have opened up new opportunties that previously were overlooked. Your child may have discovered new hobbies and interests over the past year, developed deeper friendships within their "social bubble," or felt free to be themselves without the peer pressure to conform. Help your child embrace some of this self-discovery and continue to incorporate it into their lives going forward. 

As we all stumble through this difficult period of time and wait patiently until life regains some normalcy, recognize that your loving, attentive, consistent, and forgivably imperfect parenting provides the foundation that allows your child to thrive. Your flexibility, endurance, and ability to regroup when situations go awry also serve as models for your child's learning. Wishing you all a healthy, engaging school year ahead.

(Note: if you or your child cannot rebound and feels depressed, anxious, or hopeless, it is critical to seek support through your local crisis intervention center or therapy with a licensed mental health professional.)