What kind of gifted person do you want to be?

Who do you want to be?

I posed this question a few years ago. A strange question, I know. After all, we are who we are. 

Yet, as a gifted person, you might relish the fruits of your powerful mind or creativity or intensity or even your multipotentiality – or you might resent being gifted and view it as a burden. Either way, you are no more responsible for your intellectual strengths than for your eye color. Right?

Well... perhaps you do have some control. 

Many studies suggest that despite the heritability of intelligence, we all are affected by our environment... the impact of pollution, nutrition, early childhood deprivation, trauma, poverty, and the quality of the education we received. There are lucky folks among us who seem to have hit the lottery; a smooth, easy ride through childhood, the absence of trauma, and supportive families and teachers. 

The rest of us... well, we have struggled. Or our giftedness remained hidden or misunderstood. Or we never fully reached our potential.

What path will you choose going forward?

In the aftermath of the recent US election (something I wrote about eight years ago!), gifted folks face questions about the next steps forward:

• How do I calm my overwrought nervous system? 
• How do I comfort my children/friends/family while my anxiety is reeling? 
• How do I respond to the divisiveness in our county?
• Where can I best offer my energy?

As folks regroup, lick their wounds (or bask in their election win), we all need to figure out how to coalesce as a Nation. And who is better prepared to tackle the next four years than those who think deeply and creatively, and can hold/understand/wrestle with the many complexities of the situation?

As a psychologist, writer, parent, and fellow traveler along this life journey, I have encountered many gifted folks. Some enthusiastically embrace life, learning, and their amazing potential. Others suppress and hide their talents and abilities. Still, others feel bitter and angry over lost opportunities and a world that misunderstands their intensity and differences. 

You, as a gifted person, are entitled to take charge of your life and utilize your talents and abilities!

Your passionate engagement with what is meaningful is the best possible use of your inherent strengths. Even if you have endured trauma or a lackluster education. Even if you have been bullied or never feel quite like you fit in. Even if you make mistakes and are far from perfect. Regardless of whether you are 15 or 50 - you deserve to embrace your strengths and challenge yourself to expand your reach. 

For those whose candidate lost the election, give yourself time to grieve, commiserate and rest. Then, consider your path forward and how/when/where to direct your unique talents. Educate yourselves, volunteer, write, lead, create, and stay productive. Find a topic that concerns you most and get involved. For example, with proposed plans to dismantle the Department of Education, special services your child receives through an IEP or GIEP may be at stake. 

But find a cause that speaks to your heart and jump in. Your depth, complexity, and critical thinking skills are needed more than ever.

Poet Mary Oliver's wonderful quote applies here: 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

What will you do? What kind of gifted person will you become? How will you tackle the challenges ahead?

This blog post is also published on Substack.

What your therapist needs to know about giftedness

What does your therapist need to know about giftedness? And why should this matter?

Most therapists are not trained to consider how giftedness can affect you or your child. Cognitive complexity, emotional sensitivities, asynchronous development, twice-exceptional conditions, and outlier status with peers may be misconstrued or misdiagnosed. Many are unfamiliar with the distress children feel when bored at school, or how perfectionism, high expectations, and existential angst create barriers to reaching potential. 

Of course, this does not mean that you must find a giftedness-informed therapist. Given the wealth of information available now, it is not that difficult for a skilled therapist with extensive training and experience to learn more. 

For Mental Health Awareness Month, and with permission, I am sharing part of my article, Intellectual Giftedness Imparts Challenges That Affect Gifted Clients Throughout the Lifespan* written for a special issue on disabilities for the Pennsylvania Psychologist.

It is written as a brief research-oriented review, so less "chatty" than most blog posts. But hopefully you (or your therapist or your child's therapist) might find it helpful.

Giftedness has an impact across the lifespan 

At first glance, including gifted intellectual ability in a conversation about disabilities might seem odd. Although not a disability in a traditional sense, exceptional cognitive ability associated with an IQ of 130 or higher – two or more standard deviations above the mean – imparts distinct differences that, at times, create a disadvantage for gifted individuals and contribute to a range of deficits. 

Gifted children learn at a faster pace and with greater depth and complexity than their classmates and often endure boredom in classrooms ill-equipped to accommodate their academic needs. They sense how much they differ from same-age peers and may struggle to engage in normative social activities. Many struggle with heightened feelings of sensitivity and emotional reactivity, along with asynchronous development, where social/emotional maturity lags behind intellectual strengths. This sense of “differentness,” – this outlier status – can contribute to social, emotional, motivational, and academic challenges that hamper their development, affect peer relations, and create inner turmoil. (Webb, et al., 2007).

Most conceptualizations of giftedness presuppose an IQ of 130 or higher; however, additional criteria have been proposed, including exceptional creativity, motivation, task commitment, expertise, environmental impacts that can either thwart or enhance capabilities, and asynchronous development (e.g., Worrell, et al., 2019). 

Despite these expanded views of giftedness, many children remain unidentified because they do not “look gifted” to educators. Gifted under-identification often occurs when gifted children underachieve or mask their giftedness to fit in with peers or when they present with a twice-exceptional condition (such as ADHD or a learning disability) that obscures their strengths. Gifted under-identification is especially common among students who are English Language Learners, persons of color, or who reside in impoverished home environments, creating an “excellence gap” where those most in need of enrichment remain underserved (NAGC, 2019). 

The dearth of appropriate educational services, stereotypical assumptions about giftedness, and the widespread misconception that gifted children will “do just fine” regardless of their education deprives these children of much-needed academic services. Gifted education is legally mandated in public schools in PA; however, many school districts are non-compliant. Universal pre-screening for cognitive abilities, referrals for cognitive testing, and implementation of research-backed strategies, such as acceleration or ability grouping, are frequently absent. 

Children who are chronically bored and under-stimulated may become depressed, apathetic, oppositional, disruptive in the classroom, and fail to develop executive functioning skills.

Why this matters

Psychologists must be alert to the cognitive and social/emotional impact of giftedness in assessment and treatment, and in consultation with educators or prescribing medical professionals. Giftedness may contribute to or amplify social, emotional, academic, motivational, and vocational struggles. Gifted children can be misdiagnosed with ADHD, OCD, ASD, or an anxiety disorder, when in fact, their symptoms are more consistent with the emotional intensity, sensitivity, heightened energy, rigidity, asynchronous development, or overthinking so prevalent among the gifted (Webb, et al., 2005). 

A child’s emotional or behavioral difficulties also may be fueled by peer rejection, social isolation, apathy associated with boredom at school, or internalized pressure to succeed. Widely diverse symptoms and behaviors – ranging from selective mutism to oppositionality to substance abuse – can be understood as compensatory mechanisms used to quell intense emotions or offset disengagement from school or peers.

Are gifted children more prone to psychological problems?

Questions have been raised regarding whether gifted children are more prone to psychological problems than their neurotypical peers. Some researchers and theorists view gifted intellectual strengths (including critical thinking skills, internal locus of control, and openness to experience) as buffering mechanisms that enhance resilience (e.g., Kronborg, et al, 2017); others propose that their emotional reactivity and tendency toward overthinking leaves them psychologically vulnerable (e.g., Karpinski, et al, 2018). 

Reviews of the research (Neihart & Yeo, 2018) support both perspectives and suggest a mixed presentation that includes both exceptional strengths and disabling weaknesses. Szymanski (2021), for example, proposed a harmony/disharmony hypothesis to describe how giftedness affects all aspects of a child’s life: 

“The harmony hypothesis supposes that high IQ allows individuals access to better problem-solving abilities, greater frequency of ideas, and abstract thinking, which serve as buffers to reduce some negative social and emotional issues faced in development. Conversely, the disharmony hypothesis posits that feelings of being different, increased awareness, and pressure to perform may contribute to a more negative developmental experience for gifted children than for nongifted” (p. 417).

As psychologists, we must consider the impact of giftedness in assessment and in educational or treatment planning (NAGC, 2019). We can utilize our skills to consult with educators and prescribing medical professionals, and advocate for changes in how these children’s needs are addressed within the schools. Parents of the gifted also benefit from support since normative parenting advice may not always apply (Post, 2022).

What about gifted adults?

Giftedness does not disappear after childhood; its impact is seen throughout the lifespan. In fact, many gifted adults who show up in our psychotherapy offices describe a long-standing history of emotional distress, social rejection, and the use of compensatory behaviors to cope with their emotions. Vocational problems may stem from boredom, impatience, perfectionism, an absence of executive functioning skills, or multipotentiality. 

Older gifted adults may feel despair upon retirement if their sense of purpose is lost, and gifted elders may become depressed if like-minded peers do not reside within their retirement communities. In short, gifted individuals experience the same psychological conditions as their neurotypical peers; however, giftedness infuses an added layer of cognitive complexity, introspection, and sensitivity that may trigger or intensify emotional distress,

What psychologists must consider in their work with gifted individuals

In our clinical work, we are called upon to provide therapeutic support for gifted children, adolescents, and adults as they navigate a world not quite built for them. Regardless of our therapeutic orientation, providing a warm, supportive presence is essential – one where their differentness, quirks, and social struggles are understood; where overthinking, heightened emotional reactivity, and self-regulation or executive functioning deficits can be addressed; and where they feel comfortable exploring their emotions and existential concerns related to life’s complexities.

*Post, G. (2024) Intellectual giftedness imparts challenges that affect gifted clients throughout the lifespan. Pennsylvania Psychologist, 84(2), 23-24.

The photo above is courtesy of Unsplash/Tim Gouw

** For insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. 

**Continuing education for therapists:

Information in my book is also relevant for psychotherapists. It can be used to meet APA-approved Continuing Education requirements through an online course offered through SENG, a non-profit organization dedicated to the needs of the gifted.

Gifted impatience: Is it a thing?

One of the most baffling traits shared by some gifted folks is their impatience. They grapple with a world that makes no sense and endure constant reminders that their intentions are misunderstood. They fume about others' foibles, despair over job snafus, and sometimes abandon friendships when values differ.

Yet, the gifted also typically possess heightened sensitivity and empathy. So how does that translate into a low tolerance for others' (or their own) mistakes?

A gifted individual's sensitivity and empathy, their astute awareness, and their complex minds all blend with their high expectations when forming perceptions of people or events. This fuels impatience when others (or when they, themselves) fail to live up to these expectations. 

Impatience starts in childhood and continues well into adulthood

Impatience with others starts early. You see it in young gifted children. They become enraged when their friends don't understand the boardgame rules or can't appreciate their passion for cataloging geological eras. They become bossy or demanding or run home crying in despair when their friends don't get them. Later, they learn to suppress outward signs of frustration, but are furious inside. Worse yet, they quickly realize how much they differ from others, assume they'll never find their niche, and may start to withdraw. 

Adolescence compounds the problem. An awareness of their differentness amplifies the usual teen angst related to peer pressure and dissillusionment with authority. Gifted teens often feel betrayed by cultural, religious, and family values that no longer make sense, and may experience an existential crisis. They see their peers making impractical choices they would never consider, such as risky sexual behaviors or excessive drug and alcohol use, and don't understand why some kids seem to hate learning. They feel like old souls in a child's body, and realize how they just don't fit in with mainstream society. 

Some gifted teens place undue demands on themselves. They are impatient and unforgiving when they make a mistake, striving to achieve unattainable expectations. Other gifted teens may be perceived as opinionated and arrogant, or at the very least, unapproachable. Their cynicism and snarky rebuttals create barriers that interfere with relationships. They become frustrated with their peers' slower pace or seemingly simplistic grasp of the facts, and may lose respect for teachers or other authority figures whom they deem lacking in complexity. 

As adults, gifted folks may feel alienated from family members and even old friends whom they no longer respect. They endure frustration at work when colleagues seem disengaged or lack a strong work ethic or (once again) cannot grasp information as quickly. Rote tasks, arbitrary rules, and small talk can become unbearable. Tolerating company directives they view as pointless leaves them demoralized. Many gifted folks feel their ideas are "correct;" yet, that is small comfort when they feel so misunderstood and alone.

What can an impatient gifted person do in a world that makes no sense?

1. First, recognize your grief. Your gift for seeing the world clearly and with depth and complexity creates a dilemma that sometimes leaves you on the outside looking in. Most classmates, neighbors, or coworkers are not going to understand or agree. You may need to grieve this reality and reach out to those few trusted friends or family, or even a therapist, who can understand and validate your perspective. They don't need to agree with every point; they just need to acknowledge the sadness and despair underneath your frustration. Let them in. Let them support and comfort you.

2. Secondly, consider that you may not always be "right." We are always growing and learning. What seems like an absolute may change over time. Consider that what seems like truth may be infused with your unique perspective formed through personal experiences, cultural values, family influences, or the limitations of your education. There is so much you don't know. 

3. Enlist your powerful empathy. You may have boundless compassion for those less fortunate, yet bristle when your coworker cannot complete assignments on time. Enlist your astute radar for what others are feeling and remind yourself that many people you encounter are trying their best and may not have the same privilege as you. 

4. Okay, but empathy and compassion have their limits. In fact, you might not want to remain in untenable situations for too long. This could mean leaving your job, changing careers, or disengaging from some friendships. Finding more meaningful, stimulating, and engaging connections may seem impossible at first, given the limited number of gifted folks out there. And of course, not every gifted person you meet is going to agree with you! But searching for meaning and intellectual challenge is vital to your own well-being; don't ignore this mandate.

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5. Commit to self-regulation and to cultivating a self-care practice so you can more easily manage the frustrations that inevitably arise. This might include some of the basics, such as sound nutrition, regular exercise, and a consistent sleep schedule. It can also include a calming practice (such as meditation, yoga, or even prayer), creative outlets, meaningful volunteer work, and joyful time with loved ones. You may feel things intensely; that doesn't mean intensity must be debilitating. Find the self-care strategies that work best and commit to using them. 

6. Find connection and support. Yes, you can enlist logic and critical thinking and rely on yourself to figure things out. But battling frustrations on your own keeps you isolated. Join activities where like-minded peers converge. Find a support group for gifted folks. Express your frustrations through creative outlets, exercise, or venting to friends. Reach out to loved ones. Consider therapy if your feelings of despair or frustration become overwhelming. 

Your impatience is a warning sign that something is amiss. You have choices in how you digest and interpret information and in how you approach each person or situation. Developing resilience and coping strategies for frustrating encounters and disappointments are essential. The serenity prayer used in almost all 12-step programs is a great reminder to recognize what you can and cannot change and to develop the wisdom to know the difference. Enlist your immense capacity for logic and critical thinking when evaluating what you can do going forward, but don't let expectations or a desire for perfection (in yourself or others) limit you. And reach out to others for support; you don't have be endure your emotions in isolation.

 

“Simplicity, patience, compassion; these three are your greatest treasures.” - Lao Tzu, ancient Chinese philosopher

 

The gifted child's rocky path to adulthood... and how you can help

The transition to adulthood is complicated for most of us. But gifted or twice-exceptional children bring additional challenges to the table that create some unexpected difficulties. 

Wishful thinking leads us to assume that once our gifted children mature, their lives will follow a smoother path. And for some lucky families, this certainly happens. After all, gifted children have, well... gifts in terms of exceptional cognitive abilities, intensity, focus, drive (for what interests them), and excellent critical thinking skills. They possess the foundation for a successful life ahead.

But for most parents of gifted children, the worries don't stop when their child turns 18. Our grown kids drag their childhood selves into their adult years - replete with multiple complex interests, social quandaries, existential questioning, and emotional sensitivities. All of this results in a bumpy launch into adulthood for many gifted young adults. And as parents, we watch from the sidelines, questioning what to do and when to intervene.

In an online survey of 428 parents of gifted children conducted in 2022 (described further in The Gifted Parenting Journey), 54% of parents claimed that they felt worried "a lot" or "always" about whether their child would reach their potential (with only 8% indicating that they "never" worried), 38% worried "a lot" or "always" that their child would not find a meaningful career (with 13% claiming that they "never" worried), and 50% worried "a lot" or "always" that their child would not find happiness as an adult (with 9% indicating that they "never" worried about this).  Clearly, most parents' worries about their gifted children extend well into the future. 

What are some of the challenges that complicate a gifted or twice-exceptional child's path to adulthood?

Heightened sensitivities and excitabilities. Increased sensitivity and intensity can create difficulty when transitioning and adapting to new circumstances. Whether adjusting to a roommate, accommodating an ever-changing daily schedule, or navigating new and complex social pressures, gifted young adults may struggle. 

The joys and stress of newfound freedom. Confronted with their longed-for independence, gifted young adults may be surprised that they might feel anxious. They may crave their independence, but now feel uncertain about making decisions on their own without relying on you to provide structure or support. 

Social pressures. Gifted kids often struggle with asynchronous development when they are young, but may continue to lag behind their peers in terms of social maturity. This becomes a challenge when confronted with very adult decisions and multiple social expectations. They must learn to listen to their inner voice when faced with pressure related to drugs, alcohol, sexual encounters, or demands from roommates or friends. Introverted gifted young adults may have difficulty finding alone time to decompress when living in crowded conditions. Many also harbor insecurities stemming from a childhood where they did not fit in with peers. 

Increased academic or career demands. Gifted kids frequently have an easy time with academic demands in high school. Most classes are easy, or at the very least, require only minimal effort. The stakes increase once they leave for college. Coursework might be challenging for the first time, which may be a shock for some. With fewer safety nets, increased demands, and steeper competition, the potential for failure looms large. And challenging career responsibilities leave little margin for error. 

Executive functioning difficulties. Many gifted children coast through school with little need to develop the planning, time management, or organizational skills so vital to success. Now they must juggle a demanding schedule that differs from day to day without parents nearby to nudge them to complete their assignments or remember a meeting time. College and career provide a rude awakening to the importance of time management, remembering deadlines, and planning ahead.

Career choices take on added urgency. No longer free to dabble in what interests them, gifted young adults must decide on a career path that will be fulfilling, meaningful, and will pay the bills. Multipotentiality (possessing a range of abilities and interests) complicates their daily lives, as well as career planning. They struggle with decisions about career choices and grieve the loss associated with relinquishing endless possibilities and the luxury of engaging in multiple passions and interests.  

Heightened existential and identity concerns. In addition to the stress of career planning, gifted young adults grapple with their sense of identity. This is similar to the existential awakenings that arose during middle school but creates an even greater sense of urgency. As noted in "What kind of gifted person will you become?" gifted folks have enormous potential, but also grapple with finding a path that is meaningful to them.

         Who am I if I compromise and make choices that contradict my values? 

Am I really smart if I fail a class or don't get hired for what seems like an ideal job?  

What happens if I choose a career path that disappoints others or leads to my own disappointment? 

What about my sexual or gender identity, my political and spiritual values, and my uncertainty about how much to assert myself?  

How do I use my abilities for the better good and find a path that is fulfilling?

How do I navigate all of the complexities of the world around me, fight climate change and injustice, and still earn a salary that allows me to be independent?

 A tall order for all young adults. But all-too-common tendencies toward overthinking, existential angst, and perfectionism create even greater challenges for the gifted.

How can parents support their adult children as they transition to adulthood? Here is a short list of simple strategies:

1. Let them know you are always there to listen. 

2. Offer advice only when they are open to it. (This is a tough one for loving, concerned parents!) Your sage wisdom will be abruptly dismissed if your timing is off or if they feel pressured or diminished.

3. Remind them that you have faith in them and trust that they will arrive at the best possible solution available.

4. Reassure them that you do not expect perfection - you just want them to thrive, put in effort when required, and find the path that suits their needs.

5. Point out that it is normal to question goals and expectations - no big decision comes easily, and their self-reflection is a sign of maturity and conscientiousness.

6. Let them know that you expect them to struggle at times - this comes with adulthood and something you have been through yourself.

7. Just like when they were young, learn to pick your battles. But battle less often. Determine when intervening is essential to their well-being (e.g., they are at risk of losing their health insurance because they forget to submit payments) or merely based on your personal preferences (e.g., they got yet another tattoo). 

7. If they are struggling excessively or you learn they have significant mental health or substance abuse problems, you may need to intervene and insist that they seek help. Of course, you ultimately have no control over their decisions (another tough lesson for loving, concerned parents), but at least you would have tried - and sometimes when they are truly struggling, they just might let you help.

In essence, your child's launch into adulthood is not that much different from any other transition - replete with emotional reactivity, struggles, and ultimately, success. They bring their strengths, quirks, and unique sense of self to this next phase. Their task requires a focus on finding a meaningful road forward, developing the resilience to weather setbacks, and learning to embrace their complexity. Your job, as a parent, is to weather your own reactions to this transition and find your path toward developing a more mature relationship with them. Your patient, attuned, loving connection, tempered by a respect for their autonomy, will support them as they stumble, question their path ahead, and ultimately thrive. 

Women, success, and harnessing inherent strengths - an update

Currently, there are 25 women serving in the US Senate - but only 59 have achieved this status, ever. While women make up 46% of the workforce, only 10% are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, which is considered an all-time high. And while the benchmark of power or financial achievement should never define an individual's success, the discrepancy between the sexes in these roles is still striking.

It is National Women's History Month, and perhaps, time to revisit the disparities related to women's success in male-dominated fields. 

Both of the figures listed above reflect an increase from 2016 when I originally wrote this article. At that time, only 31 women had ever served in the US Senate, and only 5% of Fortune 500 company CEOs were women. Yes, this may seem like an upsurge in representation, but it is still small compared to male dominance.  The gender pay gap has remained stable at 84 cents to a dollar. And women are still typically underrepresented in all STEM fields, compromising 34% of the US job force, with only 16% in Engineering and 26% in Computer Science fields. The numbers are even more discouraging for women of color, with only Asian women (6.5%), Black women (1.8%), Latinas (2.4%), and Native American/Alaskan Native women (0.1%) working in STEM fields.

Social/cultural pressure and sexism notwithstanding, what is puzzling about this gender gap in positions of power and "traditional" success, is that girls typically surpass boys in their early development:

• Compared to boys, girls demonstrate more advanced verbal and fine-motor skills and a longer attention span. They develop organizational and attentional skills at an earlier age, and their reading and writing abilities surpass those of boys, on average, by 1 1/2 years.

• Girls also typically exhibit better social skills, including greater relational skills, patience, cooperativeness, and empathy.

• Girls excel throughout elementary school, often surpassing boys on most measures of academic success. Confident and curious, they approach learning with passion and drive.

Yet, pre-teen girls often lose confidence in middle school, that confluence of drama, social pressure, and self-scrutiny. Peer influences, cultural messages demanding conformity, and interest in boys have a powerful effect on self-esteem. Gifted and high-achieving girls have a particularly difficult time, as standing out as "brainy" and smart can limit social acceptance. Many bright girls learn to hide their talents so that they can fit in. However, hormonal and brain differences also may play a role in limiting risk-taking and contributing to a tendency toward overthinking and indecision.

Many of us retain that middle school sense of self, but we don't have to act on those perceptions.

Highly competent, socially mature, and capable of handling multiple tasks, girls still frequently hold themselves back. Gifted girls who are emotionally intense, highly sensitive, and sometimes even perfectionistic, may be especially vulnerable to the self-criticism and anxiety that emerges - and which may last long past middle school. And those girls who identify as non-binary and are discovering how they define their identity struggle even more, especially in environments that dismiss their differences. As young women mature, it is particularly important to dispel negative middle school assumptions about themselves. 

What can girls and women do about this dilemma?

1. View these biological influences as strengths - not weaknesses.  Tendencies toward caution,  and self-scrutiny, in their most positive form, can be aspects of conscientiousness - the variable most consistently associated with academic staying power. Highly focused, conscientious girls are more organized, diligent, and determined, and get the job done.

2. Embrace the collaborative, cooperative nature of women's relational strengths. More and more businesses are recognizing that a collaborative, team approach achieves faster results than an individual-centric one. Women excel at forming relationships; they see the big picture and recognize that motivation stems from commitment and challenge, that complexity is a strength, and that empathy will get you farther than harsh demands. 

3. Work to eliminate fears when they affect self-esteem and success. If chronic self-doubt or fear of taking risks interfere with progress or personal well-being, it is time to seek help to eliminate the problem. Women are often less likely to ask for a raise or promotion than men. They need to reconsider their standards and consider when they are entitled to better treatment. Self-scrutiny, worry and hesitation may be common, but can be changed. Consider finding support from a mentor, supervisor, or trusted peers. And sometimes, counseling with a licensed mental health professional can help to eliminate remnants of self-doubt and uncertainty.

Eating disorders among the gifted: Are they more at risk?

The convergence of giftedness and eating struggles is like a perfect storm. Gifted individuals, with their propensity toward overthinking, perfectionism, heightened sensitivities, and overexcitabilities may be at risk for developing eating disorders. Young women and men are bombarded with societal messages that idealize thinness and muscularity, an even more difficult challenge in a world where foods high in sugar, simple carbohydrates, salt, and fats are so readily available.

The list of what triggers eating-disordered behaviors is long, and a full overview is beyond the scope of this brief article. However, some known risk factors include depression, anxiety, dieting, trauma, body image dissatisfaction, an idealization of thinness, peer influences, and perfectionism.  Culbert and colleagues, for example, used a biopsychosocial model as a lens for understanding these triggers. In their review of the literature, they summarized that eating-disordered symptoms are more likely to arise when personality traits of negative emotionality (anxiety, sadness, anger, and mood swings), perfectionism, and "negative urgency" (a tendency to act impulsively when distressed) are combined with sociocultural pressures and an idealization of thinness. 

Despite an upsurge in research over the past 30 years, it is not always clear why some individuals - even those with predisposing traits, such as perfectionism or anxiety - develop an eating disorder and others do not. 

Many investigations of eating disordered symptoms are qualitative. Many use a small sample size. A wide range of populations have been studied (ranging from high school students to clinical populations within treatment settings), and some research includes "disordered eating" (rather than clearly defined diagnoses), complicating any comparisons across studies. And hallmark features of anorexia nervosa, such as rigid and controlling behaviors, are difficult to compare with characteristics of impulsivity and emotional dysregulation commonly found in bulimia nervosa or binge eating disorder. In fact, a study (based on my dissertation - yes, a gazillion years ago!), found significant differences even among subtypes of bulimic adolescents.

Are gifted individuals more at risk for developing an eating disorder? 

The overlap between traits seen among the gifted and those with eating disorders is striking, even though most gifted people do not develop an eating disorder. In my clinical practice, I have specialized in eating disorders as well as giftedness, and have seen clients struggling with eating disorders or obesity in residential, inpatient, outpatient, and private practice settings. Most of these clients were exceptionally bright and likely gifted - something not necessarily as common among other mental health conditions. 

It makes sense that gifted overthinkers, individuals with perfectionistic strivings, and those with low self-esteem and harsh self-expectations might develop an eating disorder. It also seems reasonable to assume that highly sensitive gifted individuals or those struggling with emotional dysregulation and the challenges of impulsivity or ADHD might gravitate toward eating-disordered behaviors in an unhealthy attempt to regulate their strong emotions. 

Yet, very little research has been conducted that might lend support (or refute) the assumption that eating disorders are prevalent among the gifted. 

Recently, though, Beiser and Gillespie studied a group of gifted teens in the US and reported that 20% admitted to negative body image and problematic eating behaviors. However, a national poll of adolescents found that approximately two-thirds of teens experience body image concerns (although the criteria used to define eating dysregulation or body image concerns differs across these studies, making any comparison difficult). Studies of eating disorders and high achievers (not necessarily gifted, but there may be some overlap here with gifted students) have identified predictors such as stressful life events and academic stress, There is also an association between eating disorders and ADHD (common among twice-exceptional individuals), as highlighted in a recent ADDitude article. Again, it seems clear that further investigation of an association between giftedness and eating disorders is needed.

What you can do

If you or your child are struggling with an eating disorder, compulsive overeating, restrictive eating, orthorexia (a preoccupation with only eating "healthy" foods), compulsive exercising, or anxiety about body image, seeking support is the first step. This is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week - designed to highlight the challenges faced by individuals with eating disorders and the importance of finding help when needed. More information about the causes of eating disorders and available treatment can be found on the NEDA and ANAD websites. 

Psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional (see this guide about what to expect) and counseling with a registered dietitian who specializes in eating disorders is essential. Steer clear of advice from a personal coach or unlicensed nutritionist or fitness trainer who lack training in the field and may offer advice that could worsen the condition. For example, dietary "cures" sometimes touted by those untrained with eating disorders can backfire and add fuel to the fire. Family involvement is also necessary to treat the problem, along with group support and medical monitoring. Both addressing the underlying cause and taking active behavioral steps to change are essential. The sooner the problems are addressed, the easier the path to recovery. 

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

A question to consider: What kind of gifted person do you want to be?

As another New Year looms, some of you might pause to consider who you are and what you want for the year ahead. And if you are gifted, you might question what kind of gifted person you want to become.

A strange question, I know. After all, we are who we are. We might relish the fruits of our powerful mind or creativity or intensity or even our multipotentiality - or we might resent being gifted and view it as a burden. Either way, we are no more responsible for our intellectual strengths than for our eye color. Right?

Well... perhaps we do have some control. Many studies suggest that despite the heritability of intelligence, we all are affected by our environment: the impact of pollution, nutrition, early childhood deprivation, trauma, poverty, and the quality of the education we received. Those lucky folks among us seem to have hit the lottery; a smooth, easy ride through childhood, the absence of trauma, and supportive, yet challenging families and teachers. The rest of us... well, we have struggled. Or our giftedness remained hidden or misunderstood. Or we never fully reached our potential.

As a psychologist, writer, parent, and fellow traveler along this life journey, I have encountered many gifted folks. Some enthusiastically embrace life, learning, and their amazing potential. Others suppress and hide their talents and abilities. Still, others feel bitter and angry over lost opportunities and a world that misunderstands their quirks and intensity. 

The takeaway is that you, as a gifted person, are entitled to take charge of your life and utilize your talents and abilities. Your passionate engagement with what is meaningful is the best possible use of your inherent strengths. Even if you have endured trauma or a lackluster education. Even if you have been bullied or never feel quite like you fit in. Even if you make mistakes and are far from perfect. Regardless of whether you are 15 or 50 - you deserve to embrace your strengths and challenge yourself to expand your reach. 

Poet Mary Oliver's wonderful quote applies here: 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

What will you do? What kind of gifted person will you become?

** For more insights about giftedness, please see my new book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and on the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children - who are often gifted, themselves.**

This blog post is a revision of a similar post from 2021.

Wishing you all a wonderful New Year!

Baseball, the World Series... and Gifted Education

Sports provide a metaphor for much in life. Such is true for the Philadelphia Phillies; over the years, their wins and losses have evoked joy and heartbreak for countless fans. Many stories will be written about their surge to win the pennant this year and play in the World Series. Underdogs who rose from the ashes. The persistence of the Phitin' Phils. The team camaraderie. How their undying fans careened from hope to disappointment... once again. 

Photo credit: Yong Kim, Philadelphia Inquirer

And while (as a Philly native) I am spotlighting the city's beloved Phils rather than the (gulp) World Series champions, the Houston Astros, few would doubt the drive, persistence, and raw talent found among both teams' world-class athletes. Some rose to fame despite poverty and hardship. Others received elite training that prepared them for success. Either way, their talent is astonishing. Stand-out Phillies player Bryce Harper, for example, was a prodigy, highlighted in Sports Illustrated at age 13. Many begrudge their exorbitant salaries; however, their dedication, commitment, and sheer talent inspire their fan base.

So, how does this relate to gifted education??? 

A sports team's success depends on a variety of factors -  excellent coaching, talented athletes, team chemistry, and a bit of luck. The Phillies' transformation from a team lagging far behind in the rankings to National League pennant winners has been attributed to a change in managers mid-season. Whatever occurred on the field or behind clubhouse doors can be attributed to leadership that nurtured and encouraged their success. The same holds true for gifted education; the right teacher, the right mix of students, the support of their "fans" (i.e., parents, teachers, and a supportive community), and competent leadership (from school administrators to state legislation safeguarding gifted education services) encourage gifted kids to engage their intellectual strengths. 

But as we know, this rarely occurs.

Gifted kids are sometimes encouraged to use their talents. More often, though, they are chastised to sit still and stop raising their hands or to downplay their smarts so they can fit in. Gifted education, unfortunately, is still controversial. Parents of gifted children are accused of bragging, or pushing their kids to achieve, or being elitist. In contrast, parents of a rising superstar athlete likely hear the following accolades: "Amazing." "You must be so proud." "Such dedication." It is doubtful that parents of a talented athlete would overhear any of the following comments:

"Let them just be a kid."

"They should be benched for a while so that the other team players won't feel so bad about their abilities."

"They'll do just fine without any coaching."

"They must not be talented; they struck out each time up at bat today, which just proves they are not the talented athlete you thought they were."

"They will need to play on intramurals instead of varsity for a while to encourage the other players and help them succeed. Besides, varsity sports are elitist."

"All children are gifted athletes."

 

Yes, the above comments sound ridiculous! Yet, they parallel the daily, lived experience of most gifted children and their families. As a beleaguered city embraces its team's unanticipated wins and losses, perhaps we all can learn a little more about how to support all of our talented kids - the athletes and the mathletes alike. 

These basic tenets of giftedness cannot be ignored:  

1. Gifted children can be found in every racial, cultural, and socioeconomic group. 

2. Gifted children possess an innate intellectual ability and are neurodiverse - their minds grasp concepts more quickly and with greater complexity and depth. Many exhibit asynchronous development where social maturity lags behind their intellectual strengths. 

3. Giftedness does not equate with achievement. Many high achievers are not necessarily gifted; many gifted children are underachievers.

4. Gifted kids need, deserve, and require a challenging education - just like every other child. The fact that their needs differ from neurotypical or struggling students does not diminish their right to an education suited to their intellectual level.

5. Parents of the gifted rarely push their children; they are just along for the ride, trying to keep up with their child's academic needs.

6. Some gifted children possess a co-existing "twice-exceptional" condition, such as ADHD or a learning disability. The presence of twice-exceptionality creates greater complexity when assessing and working with their gifts and challenges; without astute attention, their giftedness and their learning challenges may be overlooked or misunderstood.

7. Just like coaches and team managers select players with similar abilities to optimize performance, gifted children also benefit from a classroom of like-minded peers. They thrive when they can engage their curiosity and intensity alongside peers with similar abilities, and where they no longer must hide their strengths to fit in or avoid bullying.

8. Without a challenging education, gifted students will wither. They may underachieve, withdraw, rebel, or merely coast through school, and never fully develop their potential. 

Like the Phillies, gifted kids also fall short of expectations. They strike out at bat, or fail an audition, or miss out on that science fair award. Their talents cannot insulate them from the same setbacks, heartbreaks, rejections, and losses the rest of us also endure. What matters most is resilience, reasonable expectations, and the capacity to learn from experience. Even after the World Series loss, fans are resuming their daily lives. And the Phillies are recalibrating and looking to next year's season.

I must confess that I am a fair-weather fan, emerging only to cheer the Phils when they are on the larger stage. Sports have never been my thing. But I became entranced by their enthusiastic and quirky expressions of team spirit and their compelling rise to success this season. And the awe-inspiring artistry and power of a homerun hit, the satisfying crack of bat to ball, and the batter's expectant pause as he awaits the verdict (will the ball land in the stands, or is it just a pop-up fly?) are spectacles to behold. Those moments remind us all of what is possible. 

Let's offer those same opportunities and expectations to the intellectually gifted and not reserve them only for our beloved athletes.

** For more insights about giftedness, please see my new book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and on the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children.**

What's so bad about intensity?

Many parents of gifted children describe their child's intensity as a core feature of their personality. They might be amazed by their child's ability to explore areas of interest with such depth and passion, as well as their perceptiveness and empathy. However, they also might bemoan their child's intensity, and endure a wild emotional ride, powerfully angry outbursts, and meltdowns. When a child's emotions lack modulation, they may get stuck in a loop of obsessive thinking, perfectionism, or sadness - and both parents and their child can feel overwhelmed. 

Sometimes associated with Dabrowski's five overexcitabilities, intensity infuses a level of energy that amplifies most reactions. These are the young kids who devour chapter books, who can recite the name of every dinosaur, and who practice clarinet for hours. They react to situations with powerful emotions, whether distressed, excited, angry, or exhausted. Their extraordinary focus, compassion for others, and heightened sensitivity are sights to behold. They sob with empathy when their friend's dog dies, scream with frustration when unable to solve a puzzle, and grapple with existential despair when the world just seems unfair.

 

In an online survey of parents of gifted children (see below for more information about the survey),* 80.8% of parents indicated that their child exhibited heightened intensity. Furthermore, 72.7% indicated that their child was highly sensitive. While survey responses were based on a parent's subjective assessment, these responses nevertheless corroborate the research, theory, and commentary regarding the family's felt experience. Parents frequently view their gifted children as intense and sensitive - and their intensity has an impact on family life. Several comments from the survey aptly describe this:

“I often wonder what dinnertime conversations are like in other households. In ours, they can bounce   from some new science theory someone read about to reminding our teenagers to use silverware (still!) to etymology to glares from one kid because their sibling is chewing noisily to discussions on which religion is best to one kid teaching the other how to swear in Latin. It’s exhilarating but exhausting!” 

 

"Living with the intensity is for me the hardest part to balance. It feels like from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to sleep, we join them on a roller coaster that keeps going. No stops. However, there is also so much joy in seeing all the creative ways they try to problem-solve. It is an exhausting, yet very joyful journey at the same time." 

 

When intense, gifted children venture out into the world, they often receive messages from adults in authority (e.g., teachers, camp counselors, sports coaches) to tone down their reactions, sit still and "shake it off." Their exuberance and curiosity for learning are seen as an interference and impediment. They may feel ashamed of their intensity and think that there is something wrong with them. As a result, they need your loving acceptance to offset these experiences - to provide perspective and an antidote to the negative messages they receive elsewhere.  Your concerns are valid; nevertheless, appreciating the positive aspects of their intensity will allow you to accept (rather than fight against) this trait. 

So how do we help our children turn down the volume on that intensity radio dial?

1. First, ground yourself in your values and goals as a parent. Typically, stress and frustration arise when our children behave in a manner that is unpleasant, oppositional, frustrating, or embarrassing. Remaining consistent with your values (e.g., providing love, acceptance, support, and appropriate limits) can help you regain perspective when faced with overwhelming reactions. Your child's intensity may contribute to conflicts and stress within the family; yet, trying to cajole, bribe, or even demand that they approach situations less intensely never works. Appreciate that they are experiencing powerful, raw emotions, or a compelling sense of creative flow. They are not trying to be difficult - they are just doing what comes naturally. Nevertheless, they will benefit from your guidance in learning how to manage these powerful feelings.

2. Focus on appreciation and gratitude for who they are. Sounds easy, but it can be difficult to cultivate loving acceptance in the midst of a chaotic meltdown! While intensity can be challenging and exhausting, though, it also infuses family interactions with energy and joy. Intense, gifted children can open your eyes to the beauty around you, reawaken long-suppressed drives of your own, and remind you of what is important. These are kids who love deeply, possess abundant curiosity, and who can (will) bring their passion and creative drive to a future career. As idealistic as it sounds, they have great potential to do good in this world. 

3. Rethink your own relationship to intensity. As the parent of a gifted child, it is likely that you, too, are gifted, and well acquainted with intensity on a deep and personal level. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You may recall situations as a child when your intensity was embraced and nurtured, or conversely, shamed and criticized. Consider how you view your own intensity and emotional reactivity - and use that awareness to enhance empathy for your child and fine-tune your approach to parenting.

4. Like any developing talent, skill, or expression of raw temperament, intensity needs to be nurtured and at times, managed. Your child feels overwhelmed by their emotions and needs your guidance to learn how to direct their focus, how to pace themselves, and how to calm their emotions when this leads to meltdowns or despair. You can remind your child that, yes, they experience powerful emotions, but they also will benefit from learning to harness that energy, apply it when needed, and redirect it when it seems out of control. You can intervene with suggestions, guidance, and preventative strategies that may offset potential problems (more about this in future articles). For example, if your child is late for school because of immersion in an art project, consider how to intervene earlier to help them transition. If your child is despondent about social injustice, encourage them to invest their energy in volunteer work,  Strategies for resilience-building also may be helpful. A variety of parenting strategies can be found in many of the excellent books listed below.***

When intensity is viewed as a true "gift" rather than a flaw, your child will accept this trait without shame or self-doubt. This will help them harness their energy effectively, and diffuse the overwhelming feelings they experience. And when your child is more relaxed, your life will be a little easier as well.

*The Gifted Parenting Survey was initiated to obtain the parent's perspective on child-raising, along with personal reactions to parenting a gifted child. Survey questions were distributed online through my website, this blog site, and through social media and gifted parenting forums. The survey remained active online for six weeks in early 2022, and 428 parents responded. Additional findings will be shared in future blog posts and articles, but a full summary can be found in my upcoming book through Gifted Unlimited Press, "The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children."

**All names or identifying information were changed to protect confidentiality.

***In addition to the information about intensity and parenting guidance that can be found in my upcoming book, the following are a few of the many excellent books available that may offer guidance when needed: 

Daniels, S., & Piechowski, M. M. (Eds.). (2009). Living with intensity: Understanding the sensitivity, excitability, and emotional development of gifted children, adolescents, and adults. Great Potential Press.

Kurcinka, M.S. (2006). Raising your spirited child: A guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic. William Morrow.

Nelson, J. (2006). Positive discipline: The classic guide to helping children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills. Ballantine Books.

Prober, P. (2016). Your rainforest mind: A guide to the well-being of gifted adults and youth. GHF Press.

Silverman, L. K. (2013). Giftedness 101. Springer.

Webb, J. T., Gore, J. L., Amend, E. R., DeVries, A. R., & Kim, M. (2008). A parent’s guide to gifted children. Gifted and Talented International, 23, 155-158.

What kind of gifted person will you become?

What kind of gifted person do you want to be?

A strange question, I know. After all, we are who we are. We might relish the fruits of our powerful mind or creativity or intensity - or we might resent being gifted and view it as a burden. Either way, we are no more responsible for our intellectual strengths than for our eye color. Right?

Well... perhaps we do have some control. Many studies suggest that despite the heritability of intelligence, we all are affected by our environment: the impact of pollution, nutrition, early childhood deprivation, trauma, poverty, and the quality of the education we received. Those lucky folks among us seem to have hit the lottery; a smooth, easy ride through childhood, the absence of trauma, and supportive, yet challenging families and teachers. The rest of us... well, we have struggled. Or our giftedness remained hidden. Or we never fully reached our potential.

As a psychologist, writer, parent, and another fellow traveler along this life journey, I have encountered many gifted folks. Some enthusiastically embrace life, learning, and their amazing potential. Others suppress and hide their talents and abilities. Still, others feel bitter and angry over lost opportunities.

I have known gifted folks who:

• Love life, and harness the power of their talents
  

• Focus their careers toward something meaningful

• Engage their empathy and heightened sensitivity in their interactions with those they love

• Utilize their strong analytic thinking and strategic skills to solve problems and find solutions

• Develop a curious, open-minded, receptive view of life, with an acceptance toward learning from whatever happens

• Harbor anger, bitterness, and apathy due to mistreatment from parents, schools, or peers

• Suppress their talents to please others; they avoid conflicts or competitive situations, or conform to cultural standards that frown upon expressing their abilities (e.g., due to gender, racial or cultural expectations or stereotypes)

• Flee from challenging social situations where they feel misunderstood or socially inadequate

• Refuse to push or challenge themselves and settle for a mediocre job/marriage/life circumstance

• Avoid academic or career opportunities that are difficult, require effort, or where they might not immediately excel

• Express impatience, cynicism, and frustration when peers, co-workers, or authority figures who are not as smart, quick, or as capable of complex thinking

• Place excessive demands upon themselves to achieve perfection and always win or be the best

• Avoid sharing their talents or successes with others to avoid the appearance of bragging

• Feel despair because they did not achieve their vision of success - unable to appreciate what they have accomplished or feel gratitude for what is positive in their lives 

• Swear upside and down that, no way are they gifted! (despite enormous evidence to the contrary)

• Fear that others will be annoyed by their intensity or sensitivity

• Utilize their smarts to cut corners, avoid responsibility, coast through school, and take the easy way out, even though this keeps them feeling bored and apathetic

• Fear taking risks that might diminish what they have already accomplished 

• Reluctant to try something unless they are already good at it

• Feel like an imposter, despite successes; always alert for when their "real self" will be discovered

The list could go on. But the takeaway is that you, as a gifted person, are entitled to take charge of your life and utilize your talents and abilities. Your passionate engagement with what is interesting and meaningful is the best possible use of your inherent strengths. Even if you have endured trauma or a lackluster education. Even if you have been bullied or never feel quite like you fit in. Even if you make mistakes and are far from perfect. Regardless of whether you are 15 or 50 - you deserve to embrace your strengths and challenge yourself to expand your reach. 

Poet Mary Oliver's wonderful quote applies here: 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

What will you do? What kind of gifted person will you become?