The Back-to-School Blues

Tips for supporting your child's well-being (and your own) as they transition back to the classroom

Image: Pexels/Saulo Leite

It’s that Back-to-School time of year… when chaos and anxiety are bound to escalate.

Expectations, uncertainty, and change in routines create complex challenges. And in addition to backpacks and school supplies, a back-to-school checklist ideally includes the emotional tasks ahead for you and your child.

A checklist for back-to-school well-being

The following suggestions come from my experience as both a parent and as a clinical psychologist and parenting consultant:

1. Create some closure on the summer

Regardless of whether summer was fun or filled with stress (like a distressing camp experience), transitioning to school is still a daunting challenge.

Create opportunities for conversation, a family meeting, or a goodbye ritual to mark the end of summer. This might include use of creative outlets (art, writing, a collage of photos) to recount their summer experiences, a family reflection about summer highlights, or a ritual related to transition (pulling out cold weather clothing from storage).

2. Discuss expectations about the school year ahead

An ongoing conversation about what’s ahead can set the stage for openness and curiosity about the new school year.

You can express high hopes for a wonderful year. But rather than an unrealistically positive approach (it will be fantastic!), encourage your child to start school with an open mind and a willingness to tolerate disappointments, and provide reassurance that you know they can handle whatever arises.

They may not like their teacher(s) at first, their friend groups may be different this year, and some of the schoolwork might not always be interesting. Help your child learn how to weather frustrations or disappointments through acceptance and self-forgiveness, which is just as important as academic success. It builds resilience for approaching any new ventures as a learning experience. (More on this in a future article.)

3. Discuss your expectations for your child

Consider setting expectations related to motivation, effort, and the capacity to take on new challenges rather than focusing too much on grades. Tackling a new activity, exerting energy to complete a difficult project, and pushing themselves to be more organized will boost your child’s confidence, even if they complain at first.

Expectations also might involve working to overcome social anxiety, finding new friends, or taking on new responsibilities at home. When my kids were old enough to get ready for school on their own, they were expected to get up on time, make breakfast for themselves, and pack their backpacks. It was a win-win: they developed a greater sense of competence, and I got an extra half hour of sleep!

4. Develop a toolkit for dealing with potential problems

Just like an emergency first aid kit, children benefit from the security of knowing what to do if things go wrong.

Discuss how they might handle a situation if they feel unfairly accused of something at school, what to do next if a child punches them at recess, and how to resist peer pressure. Make sure they have a plan if they are too young to stay home alone and are discharged early from school (such as the phone number of a trusted neighbor).

5. Set up a family plan for regular check-ins

When conversations about school, friends, activities, and life in general are commonplace, your child may be more willing to share concerns about school.

But sometimes, life gets in the way and deeper discussions don’t happen. Agree to set a time at least once a week to check in about how they are doing. If your child is particularly reticent to share much, consider a time when they might be more open, such as at bedtime, when they are in the car, or working alongside you on a project.

6. Identify extracurricular interests and expectations

When my kids were young, they agreed on our family’s expectations that they play a musical instrument of their choice and join a community sports team. Extracurricular activities are a reprieve from academic demands and the structure of school. Your child is also likely to meet other children with similar interests.

Many times, these activities can spark lifelong passions. Some examples to consider include sports, a film-making class, theatre, gymnastics, chess, robotics, music classes, dance, art classes, photography, or a math league. And look for activities that are also both convenient and affordable. We found a local chess club for our kids that cost only $15.00 per year to join… an unbeatable price.

7. Advocate at school to support your child

Sometimes the school year gets off to a rocky start. There may be conflicts and misunderstandings with their teacher. Your child complains about hating school. You receive reports from school about disruptive behavior in the classroom. Your child’s grades drop unexpectedly.

Don’t delay. Set up a meeting with your child’s teacher as soon as possible. Learn how you can help at home, such as encouraging organizational strategies or helping your child learn self-regulation and calming skills. Forming an alliance with your child’s teacher benefits all involved; you are part of the team, and your input will help the teacher understand and work effectively with your child.

If problems persist, ask to meet with the school counselor or for an evaluation with the school psychologist (or other professional, such as an occupational therapist or reading specialist). Your child may benefit from an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) which sets guidelines for the current year and includes input from teachers, specialists, and you. An IEP documents the need for special services or accommodations, along with goals for improvement in behavior or academics.

And of course, consider psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional if needed… ideally with an experienced psychotherapist who specializes in working with children.

8. Focus on the long game

Consider what your child needs in the future. Even as they settle into the classroom, start thinking about options for the following year. Is a change in schools needed? Are you thinking of private school or homeschooling if your child’s needs cannot be met at their current school? Do they need ongoing support with a particular problem, such as executive functioning skills, time management, or a learning disability?

And even if your child is young, think about long-term planning that considers both your child’s and your family’s needs. This not only includes setting up a college savings fund, if possible, but identifying family values related to supporting your child.

How important is a summer enrichment activity if you break the bank to pay for it? What values are you trying to instill? Are you teaching them a sense of responsibility, whether through expectations about chores, respectful communication with adults, and consideration toward others in your household? Are you ensuring that your child has fun and is not overly focused on academic demands?

9. Find support for yourself as a parent

Parenting is one of our greatest joys, but at times is stressful and exhausting. Make sure you have the emotional supports you need, whether through a spouse or partner, friends, extended family, or even a parenting support group. Take breaks. Take vacations. Have date nights with your partner or spouse. And find fun activities to engage in with your child… making memories that will last a lifetime.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful school year ahead!

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A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

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