You Can't Fool a Gifted Kid

 They spot inauthenticity a mile away

Image: Pexels/Cottonbro

Gifted children come equipped with an attuned awareness of the world around them.

Their attunement comes in different flavors. Some gifted kids use logic and even mathematical reasoning to figure things out. Others are hit with insight like a lightning bolt. Still others feel profound emotions and empathy for those who are suffering. They cringe when confronted with duplicitous behavior or meanness. They question why bullying and nastiness and deception exist at all; it is harsh and mean and doesn’t make any sense.

You can’t fool them.

You can’t cajole them.

You can’t pretend.

Gifted kids spot inauthenticity, falsehoods, injustice, unfairness, and just plain foolishness a mile away.

Their keen intellect and heightened sensitivity color perceptions of the world around them. They have no patience for pettiness, spitefulness, false bravado, or fake friendliness. They have no respect for pretenders and posers. They cannot tolerate teachers who lack clarity or an in-depth understanding of what they are teaching — and get in trouble for eye rolling, reading a book in their laps, or asking pertinent confrontational questions.

Authenticity is Pivotal

As long as authenticity is part of the equation, though, gifted children will be accepting.

They understand that all adults make mistakes, that their friends can have a bad day, and that teachers are imperfect. They forgive their parents for their occasional outbursts. They accept apologies and are typically compassionate toward another’s struggles.

When they encounter inauthenticity, though, they feel adrift. Some experience existential distress (especially common among gifted teens), compounded by deep disappointment when family members, teachers, religious leaders, politicians, or community members seem duplicitous, unkind, or adhere to values and doctrine that make no sense.

Underlying their existential angst is despair.

They feel lost once they lose faith in those people or institutions they once trusted.

How this affects parents and educators

Your gifted child or student may not necessarily agree with your rules; they may complain and groan and debate you like a lawyer. But ultimately, they recognize when your decisions make sense. They may not like limiting their screen use or taking end-of-semester exams, but they understand the rationale for these expectations.

However, if rules seem unreasonable, make no sense to them, or seem developmentally misattuned (like a bedtime that is much earlier than the norm), they will bristle, feel misunderstood, and perhaps, find a workaround. Some even resort to deception.

Children look to parents, teachers, coaches, and religious leaders for a sense of attunement and safety. If they feel misunderstood or treated unfairly by those they love, respect, or rely upon, they will feel despair.

Next steps for educators and parents

Parenting, teaching, or mentoring a gifted child can be tough. They spot every flaw and are quick to point them out! They expect authenticity and empathy and attunement. They won’t hold a grudge when they realize you lied about Santa, but they might if you hide a family secret from them.

For teachers:

Educators must appreciate that gifted kids are high challenge/high reward kinds of students. They can be demanding, disruptive, or disengaged if the curriculum seems tedious and boring. But when provided with a meaningful and engaging assignment, their enthusiasm is reawakened. You’ll see them blossom before your eyes.

Of course, teachers need support from their peers, mentors, and school administrators. Otherwise, accommodating the needs of gifted and twice-exceptional students (who have a co-existing condition, such as ADHD or a learning disability) may seem like yet another burdensome task.

Policy change is essential and often rests upon state, provincial, or local mandates about providing gifted education. If there are minimal guidelines where you teach, I urge you to reach out to state or provincial gifted education associations or the National Association for Gifted Education (NAGC) for guidance.

For parents:

Gifted children — all children — desperately need to trust you, know that you “get them,” and feel your love, regardless of their missteps. They need to know that their giftedness or achievements are never tied to your love for them.

As a parent, finding support and peers who understand is just as critical as any parenting guidelines or philosophy. Understanding your own struggles, setting aside time for yourself, and finding friends who understand (including other parents of gifted kids) will provide much-needed support. As I emphasize in my book, a compassionate understanding of your own needs and finding adequate support is essential when raising any child — but especially a gifted or twice-exceptional child.

A similar version of this article was recently published on Medium.

College admissions for gifted students: Emotions, uncertainty, and decisions

April 1st can seem like consolation day for many gifted high school seniors. And it's no joke. 

College admissions offers have been received, and many families learn on April Fool's Day that their gifted child will not be attending the college of their choice. With acceptance rates less than 10% at many highly selective colleges, even exceptional students are shut out. 

When gifted children are young, many parents assume that high school success will translate into an array of college choices. Many are shocked and bitter when their child is rejected from a wide range of schools. They may believe they have been deceived and betrayed; their child’s hard work and effort was ignored, and raw talent and ability overlooked. 

I wrote a similar article about college admissions ten years ago. Both of my kids were in college and had already weathered the college application process. Despite some fun times visiting a variety of colleges, waiting for acceptances and then narrowing down their choices was... shall we say, a challenge. Fortunately, they landed at great schools that seemed an ideal fit for their social and academic needs.

Over the past year, I have spoken with parents whose children applied Early Decision to their dream school in hopes this would increase their odds of admission. These teens are all amazing, lovely, accomplished students with great potential. Yet, all were rejected. 

Those whose children applied for regular decision have all likely received their notifications. Some may be elated. Many might feel both excited and anxious about choosing between several colleges where they were accepted. But some are left to feel angry and deflated and must settle for a "safety" school they never assumed they would attend.

Why do so many gifted children get rejected from colleges they are presumably qualified to attend?

When highly selective colleges are inundated with applications, they have to draw the line somewhere. They have quotas, priorities and long-range goals, along with financial burdens. While most would likely prefer to admit the most talented, high-achieving students they can find, selecting who fits this criteria is complicated. And the sheer number of academically successful applicants is astonishing. National Merit Finalist Valedictorians with stellar SAT's are viewed as commonplace, and most will be rejected without some additional compelling qualifications. 

College admissions officers at these selective schools will tell you they are seeking a well-rounded, diversified class of students. They claim to use “holistic admissions,” viewing the whole student and not just grades and SAT scores. Yet, this term is often used as a thinly veiled excuse for achieving quotas based on geographic location, ethnicity, and athletic ability, along with wealth, and legacy connection (otherwise known as “hooks”). The highly publicized college admissions cheating scandal several years ago pointed to the dark side of college admissions, along with the extent some parents will go to advance their child's career. 

While many families rage about the unfairness of admissions policies, the reality is that most “unhooked” students will get rejected by many of their top choices. A Forbes article from over a decade ago highlights the disingenuous admissions process. Not much has changed over the past decade.

What if your child is still in the college-planning process?

Gifted students often need to create a profile that is quite exceptional and well beyond the norm. When a gifted, high-achieving student does not possess the "hooks" that boost the likelihood of acceptance, they will need to stand out from the crowd. This is especially true for those who attend public school or are homeschooled, since many private schools have counselors dedicated to maintaining connections with elite colleges. A 4.0 and top SAT scores may prompt a closer look, but without other outstanding qualifications, the elite, tippy-top schools will toss their application into the rejection pile. 

To garner a "second look," students need an application that conveys a depth of ability and achievement, such as performing independent research, excelling at college courses (taken as part of dual enrollment), exceptional mastery in the arts, awards from science fairs or other demanding competitions, or truly innovative extracurriculars or volunteer work. Sometimes, they need all of the above to demonstrate both breadth and intensity of focus. Their efforts need to clearly convey their aptititude as well as their motivation to tackle unique and challenging work.

But not all gifted students need to attend one of the elite, tippy-top colleges!

Before applying to highly selective colleges, parents need to clearly understand their child's social, emotional, and academic needs. They also must consider their child's realistic chances for admission. Look at the highest percentiles for acceptance rates at the colleges in terms of grades, SAT scores and other requirements. If your child is in that range, he or she may stand a chance. But realize that acceptance to an ivy league or comparable school (such as Stanford or MIT), is almost impossible to predict. There are a lot of benefits for gifted students at these elite colleges (including exceptional financial aid); however, there are many great colleges out there that should not be overlooked.

It is essential that gifted students identify less competitive schools that would be a good fit and would readily welcome them. Many schools offer honors programs and other specialized tracks that can provide a great education. Gifted students can excel wherever they go and will find mentors, excellent professors and innovative programs that can stimulate their creativity. Attachment to a "dream" school is a set-up for disappointment in the capricious, uncertain world of college admissions.

A note to current seniors:

If you have just received your letters of admission, hopefully you are relieved and excited. If you received rejections, it is important to appreciate the competitiveness of these schools and not assume it is a reflection on your abilities. It may not seem fair that you didn't get into the school of your choice. But you can use your abilities to thrive wherever you go. And perhaps this experience will help you gain perspective and develop resilience when facing future challenges. Good luck with your decisions!

This article is an update to April 1st is no joke for some gifted high school seniors. 

Photo above is courtesy of to Unsplash/Tim Gouw

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

When your gifted or twice-exceptional child does not fit in: Six tips for parents

It is heartbreaking to witness a gifted or twice-exceptional child's exclusion from peers. You watch helplessly from the sidelines as other children easily connect on the playground, receive party invitations, and effortlessly attract friends. Your child's attempts to socialize are more frequently declined - sometimes with aloof avoidance and other times with blatant rejection. You can't play with us! You're not invited! 

From an early age, gifted and twice-exceptional children recognize their differences. They notice how they grasp information more quickly than their same-age peers. They feel frustrated when other children don't get their jokes or don't understand their "rules" for a complicated game. Yet, they also feel the sting of rejection when excluded or teased. Some internalize the mocking comments lobbed toward them. Geek. Weirdo. Nerd. Or much worse... 

Gifted children thrive when surrounded by like-minded peers, where they can converse freely, share similar interests, engage in healthy competition, and where they no longer feel compelled to hide their talents. Whether at the local playground, in their neighborhood, or on the soccer field, few gifted children find friends who truly "get them." Their sense of isolation and "differentness" intensifies within most typical classroom settings; when schools refuse to implement ability grouping - an option that might engender a sense of belonging and connection - gifted students remain isolated and misunderstood. 

What can you do when your child does not fit in?

How can you help your child find like-minded peers, and navigate the social climate while still remaining true to themselves? What will guide them toward developing the necessary social skills - without requiring excessive conformity and compromise? And how do you address these concerns without conveying your own feelings of anxiety, disappointment, or frustration? The following are a few suggestions:

1. First, help your child understand giftedness

Parents sometimes avoid explaining giftedness to their children - concerned that understanding their giftedness might place too much pressure on them or instill an arrogant sense of self. However, your child already recognizes that they differ from their peers and view themselves and the world differently. A clear, no-frills explanation conveys the facts without implying that they are better than other children, and provides a context for what they already know to be true about themselves. It helps them understand why finding friends might seem elusive. You can tailor your language to fit your child's developmental level and capacity to understand what it means to be gifted. It is essential for you as a parent to take on this task before someone else does and mishandles it. For more about how to share information about giftedness with your child, see this link.

2. Help them appreciate that it is "normal" to feel they are different.

Many gifted and twice-exceptional children are accustomed to seeing themselves as outliers and out of sync with children their age. This awareness of their "differentness" and separateness is valid; they are different. Pretending they are neurotypical, denying their giftedness, or assuming they should easily fit in discounts their reality. Your empathy and support - along with a clear acknowledgment that they are different - will help them feel understood. Their reactions are "normal" and understandable. 

3. Help your child understand their resistance - or anxiety - about navigating social interactions

Remind your child that it is understandable and normal to feel uncomfortable in new social situations. (You might also, briefly, share a few stories of your own!) Help them discover what negative thoughts, fears, and frustrations interfere. Ask them what thoughts (e.g., I just know they will laugh at me if I try to dance at the party) contribute to their worries. Find out if frustrations with their peers' interests (e.g., I hate it when they talk about popular songs when I want to discuss politics) leave them on the sidelines. Some of their concerns may be realistic; they might be less mature than their same-age peers or have little interest in popular culture. Recognizing their own struggles can be particularly painful for a gifted child who typically excels in most other situations. Once they appreciate that their resistance and difficulties are normal - and manageable - they may be more open to taking on the challenge of addressing these situations.

4. Help your child develop resilience in the face of challenging social situations

You can help your child counteract feelings of hopelessness when challenging social interactions loom. Brainstorming, for example, is a useful tool for recognizing a full range of possibilities that explain others' actions and for curtailing any tendency to quickly form conclusions without evaluating all of the facts. For example, your child may assume that a friend is not responding to texts because they don't want to be friends anymore. Ask your child to write a list of at least ten other reasons why their friend might be avoiding them. Then, ask your child to identify several strategies for approaching the problem. These could include sometimes changing the situation or removing the offending agent (e.g., making a decision to find friends whom they can trust), taking action (e.g., telling their friend what is upsetting them), or changing their attitude (e.g., recognizing that five years from now, the friend's rejection will no longer sting). Encourage them to sort out the benefits and drawbacks of each strategy and to come up with a plan of action, as well as a backup plan. (See some of the articles about resilience listed below.)

5. Help them find social connections related to their interests. 

Gifted and twice-exceptional children crave a place where they can belong and where it feels "safe" to be smart. They long for both intellectual and social connection with peers who understand their view of the world, who appreciate their perspective, and who just “get them.” Some gifted children may find a group of like-minded peers in school, particularly when gifted programs or ability grouping are available. More often, though, they must turn to extra-curricular activities to feel a sense of belonging. Help your child identify interests where they are likely to find similar peers. This could range from activities in the creative arts to STEM fields. Examples might include theater, visual arts, music, creative writing, film production, robotics, chess, coding, or a paleontology class at a local museum. Some activities may be low-cost or offer financial scholarships when needed.

6. Encourage social skills development

Some gifted kids lag behind their peers in their social development. They might be viewed as bossy and impatient, or socially clueless. It is painful when they experience rejection or even bullying. And while you might help them embrace their differentness, it is nevertheless a daunting and upsetting experience when they don't fit in with their peers. Once your child appreciates that it is normal and understandable for them to feel different, though, you can encourage them to both embrace their uniqueness and also learn tools for navigating social interactions. This requires an expectation that they can choose (or not) to adapt when they find themselves in challenging social situations. They don't have to be the life of the party or the most popular kid in their class. But they can find other children to play with or talk to - even if they don't feel entirely comfortable. Taking on social challenges builds resilience and will engender confidence. And when your encouragement is not enough, sometimes searching for additional support is helpful. Some schools and mental health professionals offer social skills groups that can boost their confidence and improve their ability to handle these tough challenges.

Additional strategies for helping your gifted or twice-exceptional child with social interactions: 

Where do I belong? The gifted person's lament

Tips for helping your socially isolated gifted teen

Where can I find a friend? How asynchronous development affects relationships

What your gifted child won't learn from academics

How to help your gifted child build resilience: Reframing failure

Building resilience: Strategies to support your gifted child

When gifted students feel disconnected from school

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my new book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

Ten years later: What has changed; what remains the same in gifted education

When I launched this blog in January 2013, I never imagined it would last. Ten years ago, my youngest child was approaching high school graduation, and my involvement as co-chair of a gifted parents advocacy group was winding down. Yet, my interest in advocating for the gifted extended beyond my own experience with my children's education. I found that writing - through this blog and other platforms - provided an outlet for advocating, sharing information, and expressing my concerns. Rather than a personal blog or one describing my children's trajectory, Gifted Challenges became a vehicle for confronting misperceptions about giftedness, voicing my opinions, and disseminating and sometimes critiquing information found online. 

What has changed in ten years?

Over these past ten years, there has been some gradual progress in how the gifted are perceived and how gifted education is implemented. We have seen an explosion of awareness about neurodiversity, twice-exceptionalities, and the social/emotional needs of the gifted. Many in the field have championed the necessity of universal screening for giftedness, identifying gifted Black, Hispanic, Indigenous, inner city, and rural children who are often ignored, addressing the excellence gap, and acquiring accurate diagnoses of conditions such as autism, ADHD, or sensory processing disorders. Adults who previously doubted their own giftedness are learning to acknowledge their strengths and parents of the gifted are admitting to the stressors and worries so unique to their family dynamics. Given the variety of new platforms, such as webinars and podcasts that disseminate information and opinions directly to the consumer, it would seem that finally, more information is readily available regarding life as gifted.

Nevertheless, much remains the same in gifted world. Legal mandates safeguarding gifted education are non-existent in many US States. Even within those States where gifted accommodations are mandated, service delivery is often haphazard and limited. Antiquated views of flexible ability grouping, acceleration, or the social/emotional needs of gifted children persist. The G-word remains misunderstood; rather than acknowledging that "gifted" is a diagnostic label, the term is a projection screen for misinterpretation and stereotyping. Claims pronouncing that everyone is gifted or that giftedness is a choice, or that it is an elitist construct are the subject of endless online debates and discourse within just about every school community. Yet, this imperfect "gifted" label is what we have (and are stuck with) right now, and it is up to us as parents, educators, and other professionals to educate the public about this diagnostic term.

Of course, the world at large has confronted us with many disturbing events - with negative effects on our sensitive gifted children's well-being (and our own). The Pandemic has altered us in fundamental ways not even yet fully appreciated. Politics and social media have become divisive and inflammatory; our right to free speech is all too frequently co-opted with misinformation, lies, and hateful commentary. Gun violence is rampant in many impoverished neighborhoods and now surpasses motor vehicle accidents as the leading cause of death among children. Students routinely practice active shooter drills, with the disturbing awareness that mass shootings can happen anywhere. Books are banned. Threats related to climate change affect us all. And a culture of anti-intellectualism and anti-science has flourished. Anxiety, disenfranchisement, and a distorted embrace of rugged individualism (fueled by the anonymity of social media and supported by some public figures) have amplified pre-existing elements of bigotry, racism, antisemitism, genderphobia, and anti-immigrant sentiment.

Despite these challenges, there is cause for hope! 

Although we cannot fully shield our children and teens from widely disseminated information (sometimes hastening an unwelcome level of pseudo-maturity), their increased awareness of the world around them also engenders greater wisdom and maturity. This explosion in knowledge can be a positive influence if we guide them, answer their questions, and instill values that frame and support healthy attitudes.  Many young people possess an astounding level of optimism and wisdom as they combat social, political, and environmental challenges. Gifted children, in particular, have the potential to impact the future; their empathy, passion for social justice, and keen sense of logic can help transform the world as we know it. If we can supply them with an emotionally secure, socially supportive, and academically challenging childhood, our gifted children will flourish.

On a personal note

I don't usually broadcast my personal life in this blog, but will share a few of the changes I have experienced over the past ten years. I have witnessed my children's initial launch toward college - and then, their second launch as they pursued graduate education and engaging careers. I continue to work as a clinical psychologist, and now have options for providing telehealth in over 30 US States due to PSYPACT legislation. I have expanded my psychotherapy practice to include workshops for parents and schools, and consultation/coaching for adults and parents of gifted children. Although coaching is a bit more relaxed and straightforward than psychotherapy, my training and experience as a psychotherapist are still an essential part of this process. 

Creating and nurturing this blog has been an unanticipated joy. I have learned a lot, met some amazing fellow parents and colleagues in the gifted and twice-exceptional field, and honed my writing skills. I get to advocate for gifted kids and adults through this blog; what an incredible privilege and opportunity! It sounds pretty nerdy, but this sure has been a lot of fun! While I have written many articles (some unrelated to giftedness) and several book chapters, I feel quite excited about my new book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, which addresses the emotional lives of parents and provides tools and support as they navigate this complicated parenting process. Parents' needs and emotions have been ignored for much too long. In their search to support and educate their gifted or twice-exceptional children, parents often discount their own experiences. My hope is that this book will offer the validation and support parents of the gifted need - along with a vehicle for encouraging a deeper understanding of their motivations and emotions.

Thank you to all of my readers who have hung in there with me over the years! I am so grateful for your readership and especially appreciative that so many of you responded to the Gifted Parenting Survey I circulated online last year. Some findings from this survey are included in my book, but I am also working on analyzing the data more extensively. I also plan to offer more workshops for parents (if you are interested, send me an email and let me know!). If you have requests for blog post topics, please let me know as well. I wish you well as you traverse your own path as a gifted adult and/or the parent of a gifted child. We still have much work to do as we advocate for all gifted children, with the hope that they receive the intellectual stimulation and social/emotional engagement they desperately need. Please join me in that mission!