How parents can intervene to prevent harm
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| Image: Pexels/Pavil Danilyuk |
Raised in a family of professional musicians, my interest in music came naturally. I took to the piano like the proverbial “fish to water,” and practiced daily with a ferocious drive. No pushing or prodding was necessary.
But then, my interest faded.
My inertia stemmed from several factors: I stopped loving classical music, never felt comfortable with competition or the spotlight, and found that performances were a miserably anxious experience.
What sealed the deal, though was my sense of differentness from my peers. I hated being known as “the pianist” and cringed when adults automatically assumed my career path was set. As I progressed through my teen years, only my closest friends knew of my talent — hidden from others like a shameful secret.
Labeling, lack of attunement, and potential harm
What happened to me occurs routinely when children are labeled.
While often found among families with multiple children (he’s the smart one; she’s the athletic one), labeling is pervasive in a culture where little nuance is afforded toward each child’s unique and complex needs.
Once children engage with their peers — whether in school, the playground, or through organized activities — their talents, capabilities, and struggles become readily apparent, referenced through comparison with others.
Labels are commonplace, since categorizing complex information often feels good, making meaning out of what is messy and confusing. Labels also create a sense of identity and a connection to what we value most. We are members of families and nationalities and cultures, and personal identification with these defining categories can instill a fierce allegiance to political parties, religious doctrine, or even local sports teams.
Unfortunately, labels can minimize, devalue, and inaccurately pigeonhole others, creating damaging stereotypes.
The same stereotypes and prejudices held toward others can also influence our self-perceptions, both positive and negative.
How labels affect children
Labels create a sense of self-definition for children; vulnerable and impressionable, they believe what adults or other children say about them. Casual comments about their personality or appearance or flaws become entrenched in their psyche.
Labels frequently follow a student throughout school, passed on from teacher to teacher, affecting their expectations of said child. In fact, many adults still reel from memories of harsh, condescending (and sometimes untrue) words spoken with impatience by an authority figure.
Clients in my clinical psychotherapy practice often cling to childhood messages that have defined their sense of self, despite evidence to the contrary. They may perceive certain abilities or struggles as “fact,” rather than accept that they have either outgrown such labels, or that the labels were inaccurate from the start.
Thomas* (whose name is changed to protect his confidentiality) was seen as the “funny one” in his family and felt he could never compare with his extremely bright older brother. Despite good grades and a starring role in the school play, he still harbored doubts about himself and assumed he was an imposter, merely fooling others.
As the “older” sister in her family, Sue* assumed responsibility for her younger sister’s welfare… and continued to overfunction in her relationships as an adult. Yet, Sue’s “younger” sister was her twin; they were born 10 minutes apart! The label of older sister stuck, with little regard for the fact that they were the same age.
Challenging and moving beyond labels can be transformative, but also evoke feelings of anger, sadness, or ambivalence (tied to family loyalty or community). Many adults bemoan lost opportunities because they followed a family-prescribed path or doubted their abilities.
How can parents protect their children from harmful labels?
1. Pay attention to how you comment about your child’s strengths and struggles. If you describe a behavior as a global trait, they are more likely to adopt the label for themselves.
Instead of saying “you’re so lazy,” try “I see that you have a hard time remembering to put your dishes in the sink.” Rather than, “you’re so smart; you’re our shining star,” try “it’s great to see how you tackle homework and do so well.” Instead of “you’re so shy,” try “going to a party can feel scary, but let’s figure out the social skills that will help you feel more comfortable.”
Think: behavior and actions rather than defining traits.
2. Help your child challenge labels they receive from others. Encourage them to brainstorm why said child or adult called them a particular name. Were they having a bad day? Were they “projecting” their upset about something at home onto them?
Let your child know that the other person was out of line; they might not like the child’s behavior, but they have no authority to label and define them. Even if the the trait is positive — amazing athlete, smartest kid in the class, or in my case, a talented musician — it can create pressure to perform, to achieve perfection, and to always fit the label.
Of course, problematic behavior needs to be addressed. But without trait-based labels, children have a better chance of changing their behavior.
3. Point out that we all have differences, loyalties, preferences, and attachments to things that matter. Your child might be a huge New York Knicks fan, but they can still be friends with someone who loves the Boston Celtics. They might feel proud of their artistic talent; that doesn’t mean they must pursue art as a career.
Help them disentangle what they admire, identify with, and how they perceive themselves from who they are, in all of their wonderful, nuanced complexity.
My musical talent never materialized into a career; I lacked the temperament, passion, and perfectionistic drive necessary for such challenging work.
Music is still an essential part of who I am — it just doesn’t define me.
Don’t let labels constrain, limit, and define you or your child. Pay attention to behaviors, actions, propensities, passions, and drive, but steer clear of all-encompassing, restrictive labels.
*All names were changed to protect privacy and confidentiality.
A similar version of this article was published on Medium.
