Wednesday, February 6, 2019

When your gifted child disappoints

Despite volumes of self-help books on the market, there is no manual that can truly prepare you for the roller coaster ride of parenting. And nothing can insulate you when your child disappoints.

You face an additional array of challenges when your child is gifted, frequently weathered alone, since friends and extended family often don't understand why the heck you are worried. After all, your child is talented, quick as a whip, and is presumed to have innate advantages. Most don't realize that this path is often rocky, circuitous and overwhelming, filled with false starts, disappointments and fears.

When relationships falter

Sometimes your gifted child won't, or can't, or is oblivious to, or lacks the skills for, or is "morally opposed" to fitting in with peers. He might be great with younger kids and adults. She may complain about boredom with same-age peers, who can't converse at the same level. He might have given up on kids who don't share his interests or understand him. Events with extended family, field trips, and even play time with neighborhood children can descend into misunderstanding, arguments, and tears.

Introversion, asynchronous development, heightened sensitivity, and overthinking are just a few of the common threads that affect gifted peer relations. So, instead of fitting in, your child isolates, or sounds condescending, or appears shy, or seems immature. This complicates every interaction outside of home - from the classroom to summer activities. You question whether he is mature enough to try an extracurricular he longs to join, since he might lack the skills to navigate the social scene. And your heart breaks for her when she is excluded from birthday parties or sits home alone on prom night.

When achievement wanes

Perhaps your gifted child underachieves. She procrastinates, lacks planning and study skills, only cares about topics that interest her, or has lost respect for the school and her teachers. She may be torn between multiple interests, delves into only those topics that fascinate her, and refuses to invest effort into the tedious and demanding work required for college admission - or that would challenge her abilities.

Your child might be a stealth underachiever... aka, an underachiever under-the radar. Although seemingly successful at school, both you and your child are quite aware that he slacks off, cuts corners, and is not pushing himself. Yet, he performs well enough to achieve outward markers of success, so teachers leave him alone and accept his lackluster effort. You wonder how he will manage when eventually faced with truly demanding, challenging work, and grieve over wasted potential, lost years, and how much his teachers have underestimated him.

When you cringe with embarrassment

Gifted children can create quite a scene. Meltdowns in stores, at family gatherings, or movie theaters due to perceived unfairness, expectations to socialize (just this once!) or a lone scratchy collar tag (where are scissors when you need them!) can wear you down.

Sometimes the embarrassment stems from our own expectations. We want our child to be "normal." We adore his talents, passion and even his quirkiness. But the asynchrony, hyper-focus and rigidity can seem like too much at times. So when the other middle school kids show interest in their appearance and social trends, we worry about the lag in her development, and resent that we must beg her to take a shower. When he builds elaborate sand castles while the other kids play beach volleyball, we wish he would - could - relate and decide to join in.

Other times, we question our parenting acumen. After all, if she's so smart, how can she not know...(fill in the blank)? How can such a sensitive child rudely tell his teacher she's "not well informed" about politics?  After all the talks about manners, why won't she put the book down and respond politely when the nice sales clerk talks to her? And why can't I motivate him to complete homework assignments on time? As parents, we often blame ourselves when our child responds to his own inner compass, and believe that somehow we have failed.

When disappointment stems from outside influences

Many times, disappointment is triggered by outside circumstance, unrelated to your child's behavior. Schools that fail to deliver. Family and friends who misunderstand your child's asynchronous development, or criticize the gifted label ("all children are gifted in their own stop bragging"). Missed opportunities due to homeschooling or cyberschooling, since high school sports teams, marching band or even school dances may be off-limits or just too complicated to join. Even grade or subject acceleration has drawbacks when a child does not quite blend in with peers, or misses out on some of his grade's activities. Fitting square pegs into round holes requires compromise, frequent adjustments and sometimes, results in disappointment.

What can you do?

There is no easy-to-follow directive that will ease the sting of disappoint. And I am not going to offer simplistic self-help "remedies" that may fall flat and minimize your experience.  Accepting, accommodating, managing, and even embracing the ups and down draws upon all of your strengths. 

Only YOU know what works best for you and your family. But you can gain support and increased understanding through learning as much as possible about giftedness, child development, gifted education, and parenting skills. Seek support from friends and family who understand, teachers you respect, local and state-based gifted advocacy groups, and online forums, such as Hoagie's Gifted, GHF, and Davidson's. Support will help you cope, and also help you to keep your feelings separate from your child. And if you feel burdened by sadness and frustration, consider counseling with a licensed mental health professional who can help you move beyond the shadow of disappointment.

This blog post was part of GHF's blog hop on Myths, Misconceptions and Misunderstandings about Giftedness.

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Sunday, January 20, 2019

When injustice strikes: Guiding your gifted teen

Recent video of adolescent boys at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., laughing and mocking Native American elder and veteran Nathan Phillips, have evoked shock and disgust. Many wonder how these teens could show such disrespect. While the camera focused on one boy's face, others were shown laughing in the background.

Call it what you want - racism, ignorance, mob mentality, or teenage stupidity - it is still abhorrent to witness. It evokes historic memories of systemic mockery, bullying and shaming of ethnic, racial and religious groups. We are not too far past the pre-Civil Rights-era South, or 1930's Germany, or even #metoo awareness.

Social psychology reminds us that we often conform to the crowd, and even base our reactions on the behavior of those around us. Should we laugh? Panic? Assist that homeless person? Flee from a questionable looking individual? We look to others for cues.

And no one is more susceptible to peer pressure than adolescents, whose reputations rest on fitting in, appearing invulnerable, and yes, sometimes making fun of others. But joking with a friend about his new haircut is quite different from mocking his race, ethnicity, culture, religious affiliations or political beliefs. Other targets of bullying include differences in appearance, obesity, disabilities, lack of athletic talent, giftedness, gender differences, and refusal to conform to prevailing social norms.

So how did these boys at the Lincoln Memorial transition from typical adolescent pranks to the entitlement that engendered mocking an older adult? What empowered them to join together and embrace this attitude rather than merely allowing Nathan Phillips to continue on his path? Is it the school? Their parents? The prevailing political climate?

I would imagine that many of these boys' parents are feeling pretty awful right now, and school officials also are horrified. No one instructed them to behave in this manner.* Yet, the values of inclusion, diversity and respect do not appear to be ingrained in how these boys view their world.

I raised boys. And my boys did things I was not always proud of. Stupid things. Teenage things. All in the process of learning and growing up - like every other child. I made stupid mistakes also. I still do. But I can guarantee that my kids would not have participated in this mocking, shaming event that took place in D.C. Why not? They were fortunate to have experienced a neighborhood, community, school system and family where racial, ethnic, cultural, gender and religious diversity were the norm. Any conflict or bullying that took place within the schools typically involved personal insults, but almost never included racial/ethnic/religious slurs. It just was not part of this community's language.

Many of you with gifted children are aware of their heightened sensitivities, concerns with social justice and struggles to fit in with their peers. Although we don't know the specifics of what occurred at the Lincoln Memorial event, the interplay of confrontation between disparate groups is distressing. Please help your children continue to understand that remaining true to their sensitivities and recognizing the commonalities in all people will support their sense of fairness and justice. Remaining true to these values, especially on this Martin Luther King weekend, will engage their sense of purpose. Even if some of those around them are not so inclined.

*(Since writing this post, more information regarding the event has emerged, with conflicting viewpoints of what occurred. Out of respect for the students, who were apparently tormented by a hate group prior to the incident with Nathan Phillips, and who may have been startled and confused, I wanted to share this version of events.

The convergence of a black nationalist group, participants in a Native American rally, and students wearing MAGA hats at a pro-life rally may have resulted in more chaos than could be contained. And it was a distressing example of how confrontational behavior, presentation, and perception create impressions and influence viewpoints - for both members of a peer group who search for social cues, and for those of us affected by the media. If my original impressions of what occurred were wrong, I apologize for some of my written words about the students. However, the role of mob mentality, peer pressure, and the importance of encouraging a child's sense of fairness and justice still are relevant.)

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

A day in the life of a gifted teen

Gifted teens experience the same hopes, dreams and struggles as neurotypical teens. But they often differ from same-aged peers and grapple with ambivalence about who they are, resulting in additional challenges. The following is a fictional account of a day in the life of a gifted teen.* 

Dragged myself out of bed after the third snooze alert.

Checked messages, instagram, snapchat. Nothing exciting.

Got dressed. Hated how I looked. Changed into something else. Obsessed over face and hair for twenty minutes. Grabbed a powerbar and my backpack.

Found a rare empty seat on the bus that I didn't have to share. Closed my eyes, put in my earbuds, and tried to drown out the laughing, arguing, trash talking. Stumbled off the bus and into High School Hell.

Head on desk during homeroom as overhead announcements blared. Met a friend on the way to first period. She mentioned a random party this weekend at some friend's house. Parents will be away. Suddenly feeling more awake, energized. Should I go? Should I tell my parents? I know they wouldn't let me go. What if I lied, went anyway, and they found out? Would I be too scared to go? What if I drank too much? What if I was afraid to drink and looked like a jerk? Maybe that boy I like will be there...

Spent the next three class periods thinking about said party. Easy classes that take little effort anyway. Teachers never notice how bored I am, so at least obsessing about the party gave me something to do.

Went to lunch. Sat with my uncool friends. Discussed upcoming party, chem exam, and auditions for the musical. Noticed that boy I like sitting with the cool kids.

Spent Latin class thinking about the musical. Should I audition? What if I fail? How would I recover from the shame of it? What if I make it? I know I have a good voice, but I don't want to stand out TOO much. Will being a theater kid seal my fate as a nerd... even more than taking AP classes and winning the science fair prize last year?

Spent seventh period in AP US History. Secretly like that class. Today was about women during World War II. Empowered women  Rosie the Riveter. Felt interested and awake. Yeah.

OMG! I accidentally bumped into HIM! I was going around a corner and there he was. We brushed elbows. He looked at me. We made eye contact. He nodded. I am in shock!

There is no way he will notice me again. This was a fluke. I should abandon all hope and just go back to the nerdy person that I am. Girls like me don't go to dances or cool parties. They go to prom with their friends. They don't get boyfriends. I just have to accept it.

I ditched the chess club after school. Felt too down. Sat in my room listening to music. Wrote a poem before launching into homework. Mom asked me if something was wrong and I ranted about the annoying teachers and piles of boring homework. Did not mention the boy or the party or my destiny as a nerd.

Fell asleep thinking about boys and song lyrics and Rosie the Riveter. Cat snuggled tightly against me.

*This is a fictional account of a day in the life of a gifted teen. It is not based on any specific individual or client.