Stop Labels from Derailing Self-esteem

How parents can intervene to prevent harm

Image: Pexels/Pavil Danilyuk

Raised in a family of professional musicians, my interest in music came naturally. I took to the piano like the proverbial “fish to water,” and practiced daily with a ferocious drive. No pushing or prodding was necessary.

But then, my interest faded.

My inertia stemmed from several factors: I stopped loving classical music, never felt comfortable with competition or the spotlight, and found that performances were a miserably anxious experience.

What sealed the deal, though was my sense of differentness from my peers. I hated being known as “the pianist” and cringed when adults automatically assumed my career path was set. As I progressed through my teen years, only my closest friends knew of my talent — hidden from others like a shameful secret.

Labeling, lack of attunement, and potential harm

What happened to me occurs routinely when children are labeled.

While often found among families with multiple children (he’s the smart one; she’s the athletic one), labeling is pervasive in a culture where little nuance is afforded toward each child’s unique and complex needs.

Once children engage with their peers — whether in school, the playground, or through organized activities — their talents, capabilities, and struggles become readily apparent, referenced through comparison with others.

Labels are commonplace, since categorizing complex information often feels good, making meaning out of what is messy and confusing. Labels also create a sense of identity and a connection to what we value most. We are members of families and nationalities and cultures, and personal identification with these defining categories can instill a fierce allegiance to political parties, religious doctrine, or even local sports teams.

Unfortunately, labels can minimize, devalue, and inaccurately pigeonhole others, creating damaging stereotypes.

The same stereotypes and prejudices held toward others can also influence our self-perceptions, both positive and negative.

How labels affect children

Labels create a sense of self-definition for children; vulnerable and impressionable, they believe what adults or other children say about them. Casual comments about their personality or appearance or flaws become entrenched in their psyche.

Labels frequently follow a student throughout school, passed on from teacher to teacher, affecting their expectations of said child. In fact, many adults still reel from memories of harsh, condescending (and sometimes untrue) words spoken with impatience by an authority figure.

Clients in my clinical psychotherapy practice often cling to childhood messages that have defined their sense of self, despite evidence to the contrary. They may perceive certain abilities or struggles as “fact,” rather than accept that they have either outgrown such labels, or that the labels were inaccurate from the start.

Thomas* (whose name is changed to protect his confidentiality) was seen as the “funny one” in his family and felt he could never compare with his extremely bright older brother. Despite good grades and a starring role in the school play, he still harbored doubts about himself and assumed he was an imposter, merely fooling others.

As the “older” sister in her family, Sue* assumed responsibility for her younger sister’s welfare… and continued to overfunction in her relationships as an adult. Yet, Sue’s “younger” sister was her twin; they were born 10 minutes apart! The label of older sister stuck, with little regard for the fact that they were the same age.

Challenging and moving beyond labels can be transformative, but also evoke feelings of anger, sadness, or ambivalence (tied to family loyalty or community). Many adults bemoan lost opportunities because they followed a family-prescribed path or doubted their abilities.

How can parents protect their children from harmful labels?

1. Pay attention to how you comment about your child’s strengths and struggles. If you describe a behavior as a global trait, they are more likely to adopt the label for themselves.

Instead of saying “you’re so lazy,” try “I see that you have a hard time remembering to put your dishes in the sink.” Rather than, “you’re so smart; you’re our shining star,” try “it’s great to see how you tackle homework and do so well.” Instead of “you’re so shy,” try “going to a party can feel scary, but let’s figure out the social skills that will help you feel more comfortable.”

Think: behavior and actions rather than defining traits.

2. Help your child challenge labels they receive from others. Encourage them to brainstorm why said child or adult called them a particular name. Were they having a bad day? Were they “projecting” their upset about something at home onto them?

Let your child know that the other person was out of line; they might not like the child’s behavior, but they have no authority to label and define them. Even if the the trait is positive — amazing athlete, smartest kid in the class, or in my case, a talented musician — it can create pressure to perform, to achieve perfection, and to always fit the label.

Of course, problematic behavior needs to be addressed. But without trait-based labels, children have a better chance of changing their behavior.

3. Point out that we all have differences, loyalties, preferences, and attachments to things that matter. Your child might be a huge New York Knicks fan, but they can still be friends with someone who loves the Boston Celtics. They might feel proud of their artistic talent; that doesn’t mean they must pursue art as a career.

Help them disentangle what they admire, identify with, and how they perceive themselves from who they are, in all of their wonderful, nuanced complexity.

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My musical talent never materialized into a career; I lacked the temperament, passion, and perfectionistic drive necessary for such challenging work.

Music is still an essential part of who I am — it just doesn’t define me.

Don’t let labels constrain, limit, and define you or your child. Pay attention to behaviors, actions, propensities, passions, and drive, but steer clear of all-encompassing, restrictive labels.

*All names were changed to protect privacy and confidentiality.

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

Five resilience-building tips for your gifted child this summer

Summer is that mixed bag of relaxation and fun, along with occasional stretches of boredom and isolation. Many gifted kids love the summer, but others struggle with sadness and fears. Separated from their school friends, sometimes anxious about starting a new class or camp, and lacking structure from the school year, many feel lost and alone. Some parents initiate a flurry of activities and scheduled events; others allow their kids to meander through the summer, devise their own activities, and take a break from education. 

Whatever summer plans you envision, consider placing some resilience-building activities on the agenda. Resilience is loosely defined as the ability to bounce back from and thrive after adversity. It is a behavioral skill that can be cultivated - not a fixed personality trait. No one is resilient in every situation; we all are influenced by an interplay of personal characteristics and family, cultural, and social circumstances. (Several blog posts on resilience-building in gifted children can be found here and here.)

Even within the context of greater freedom and relaxed schedules and expectations, summer break still provides opportunities for tackling new and different challenges. Many gifted children thrive when challenged; learning something new does not have to be stressful, especially when unencumbered by grades and exams. Summertime creates opportunities for developing the "non-cognitive" skills that help gifted children thrive. Here are a few guidelines for helping your child improve their resilience-building skills:

1. Try an activity that is new and difficult

It is humbling to try something new. Many gifted children are used to excelling and this expectation may define their sense of self. They expect to succeed, and any possibility of failure or mediocrity can be devastating. Trying something new and difficult provides an opportunity to upend these expectations and build resilience. Summer is a great time for your child to try a new activity. Pushing themselves further or tackling an activity where they have no previous experience can instill humility, resourcefulness, and a sense of accomplishment - just for completing the task. They also unexpectedly might discover unknown strengths and interests. 

Skills-building can involve tackling a completely new activity, pushing themselves further to advance a skill they already enjoy, engaging their creative strengths, or refining and delving more deeply into an area of interest. If your child loves math, for example, they might learn to code. If they love art, they might try a new painting technique or transition from watercolor to oil painting. If they always liked science experiments, a fun summer class that explores chemistry might ignite their interests further. Any new skill or ability developed over the summer can build resilience and instill confidence as they approach the next school year.

2. Tackle fears

Summer is a good time for tackling nagging fears and anxiety. A less demanding schedule frees up time to work on what worries your gifted child most, whether fear of failure and imperfection, or entrenched fears and phobias. This requires a measured, compassionate, and supportive approach, devoid of harsh expectations or rigid goals. You know your child best, and probably already know that pushing them too hard can backfire, provoke further resistance, and even increase their fears. Many gifted children and teens feel shame when they struggle to accomplish a task or overcome their anxiety. A child who is terrified of heights, for example, is not yet ready for a ziplining course. However, a gradual approach and gentle prodding or goal-setting can help them face what they most fear. 

If your child is afraid of the water, for example, sit with them while they dangle their legs at the pool, and eventually help them ease into the shallow end and splash around. Eventually, you can encourage even greater water skills. If you sign them up for a structured swimming class before they overcome some of these fears, their anxiety likely will increase. If they are afraid of spiders, help them identify at least one insect that does not create fear, such as a butterfly or ladybug, and encourage them to approach these insects whenever possible.  Certainly, healthy distractions, calming strategies, mindfulness techniques, and even deep breathing exercises can provide support as they confront these fears. Any experience with overcoming what they fear, even in small amounts, will build confidence. (Please note that sometimes working with a licensed mental health professional can assist them when they need more guidance and support.)

3. Find new friends

Friendships can be complicated for gifted kids. They are drawn to like-minded peers who "get them" and can appreciate or at least accept their sometimes quirky, intense, and offbeat approach to the world. Even when they find someone who seems relatable, they may hesitate to build a friendship. Encourage your child to set a playdate with the child they rave about from robotics camp, for example, or plan a movie outing with their new friend from art class - even if reaching out seems overwhelming. Coach them and use role-play on how to approach other children, as long as your child will let you guide them.

Most kids are not gifted, though, and learning to find friends in that vast sea of neurotypical children will serve your child well. Encourage them to reach out to the new neighborhood child or their tennis partner from camp or the "scary" outgoing, seemingly confident child they sometimes play with at the park. The ability to relate to those who seem different is a skill that will last a lifetime. Introverted, quirky, or shy gifted kids benefit from as many opportunities as possible to flex those social skills muscles. 

4. Set goals and follow through on them 

While summer is a time for relaxing expectations, you still might encourage your child to set some basic goals and follow through on them. Some examples might include learning to ride a bike, setting a goal to improve their chess rating, writing college entrance essays ahead of time (if they are going into their last year of high school), or even taking social risks as mentioned above. It also can involve tackling a challenging activity or facing their fears. Perfection and absolute success are unnecessary; coming close to reaching their goals, seeing their progress along the way, and keeping an open mind toward trying something new are valuable lessons.

You also may have some specific goals you would like your child to accomplish - like reading a few books or keeping their room clean. You certainly can express your expectations and work with them to devise incentives or rewards for reaching these goals. And a reminder - rewards do not have to be monumental. Develop a reasonable plan with mini-rewards (such as an extra hour at the pool or additional screen time) as they achieve markers of success or demonstrate reasonable efforts to follow through on tasks.

5. Volunteer to help others

If your child is fortunate enough to live in a home where comfort and financial stability are a given, encouraging them to engage in volunteer work creates perspective. While volunteer work is not a typical resilience-building strategy, it helps your child gain an understanding of others' needs, and will build confidence when they recognize that they can be of service to others. Some examples include working on a fund drive to support a homeless shelter, picking up litter at a local park, volunteering at an animal shelter, or coaching a younger student to improve math skills. Gifted children have an abundance of empathy and concerns about fairness and social justice. Volunteer work will appeal to them and fill that longing to better the world. Any meaningful (and safe) activity or effort is valuable and sets a pattern of "giving back" that should last through adulthood.

 

While the above suggestions might be useful, keep in mind that resilience-building experiences can occur without specific plans. Opportunities for unstructured time and play activities can contribute to improved problem-solving strategies and adept handling of complicated situations. Gifted children develop resilience as they navigate social, physical, and learning challenges, whether managing periods of boredom, negotiating disagreements with neighborhood kids, climbing to the top of the playground equipment, or designing their next LEGO masterpiece. When these real-world situations occur, encourage your child to reflect upon the skills they enlisted and what they learned about themselves. The benefits of resilience-building activities are solidified when they can understand how meeting a challenge fuels their personal growth and confidence. And you, as their parent, are best suited to point out their strengths, their adaptability, and how much they have progressed!

Happy Summer!

How to help your gifted child build resilience: Reframing failure

 

When my oldest son was in second grade, he was assigned a dinosaur diorama project. I found an old shoebox and left him to complete the assignment on his own. He did a reasonable job, although nothing stellar. 

Several weeks later, I attended a parent-teacher conference and noticed the projects on display. Most were exceptional - meticulous, detailed, and beautifully designed. In other words - not the work of seven or eight-year-olds. When I asked if other parents, perhaps, had played a role, the teacher just sighed. Yes, most of the parents completed the projects along with their kids... or even for them. She had come to expect this.

I was stunned - partly by my own naivete, but mostly by the sheer number of parents who had been so involved in this relatively unimportant project. Why was it so critical that their children excel - even at such a minor task? 

When parents sometimes get too involved

Parents intervene to help their children, even if it means "breaking the rules." The pressures parents feel are all too common. When it is 9:00 PM and their frustrated, whining child begs for their help. When they worry that they will be judged by teachers or friends or family for not helping enough. When their own perfectionistic tendencies compel them to take over. When their tearful, anxious child is distraught and overwhelmed.

There may be unique and justifiable reasons for any of the above interventions. But what happens when they occur regularly?

Much has been written about the importance of building resilience, allowing children to fail, and knowing when to stand back and let them struggle. We know that children build confidence and competence by learning from experience and weathering disappointment. Yet sometimes, worried parents can get a bit too overinvolved. Jessica Lahey, for example, has described middle school parents who insisted their children could do no wrong, who rescued them from any sign of struggle, or viewed a B- grade as a blemish on their child's record. The college admissions cheating scandal clearly epitomizes parental involvement gone awry. And we all know of families where children have yet to complete a chore, or where parents quickly withdraw them from any class that is too demanding.

Why we get too involved

No one likes to fail. It feels lousy. And it is especially painful to watch our children fail or struggle. Too many of us have been traumatized or shamed by failures of our own, and hope to shield our children from hurt. Gifted children, in particular, may be highly reactive, sensitive to perceived rejection, and reluctant to take academic risks. While headlines about “helicopter” parenting make good press, most parents are rarely so extreme. Most just want to protect their children from hardship. Yet, when we intervene too readily, we interfere with our child's resilience-building; resolving an immediate problem by taking over what your child could reasonably handle only delays their independence, confidence, and the capacity to endure stressful situations. 

Of course, perfection is a lofty goal in parenting, and none of us always gets it right. While I believe my minimalist role in the dinosaur project was appropriate, I plead guilty to imperfect parenting - sometimes overdoing it, sometimes not doing enough, and not always making the best decisions. And there are times when parents absolutely need to be involved - situations where a child is truly struggling, or is depressed or anxious and needs more hands-on support, or needs a push to study effectively, such as when a particular test (e.g., the SAT's) will determine long-range opportunities. This level of attuned encouragement is different from pressuring your child too much (see this link). However, there are some general goals we can strive toward as we encourage confidence and resilience in our gifted children.

Managing the sting of failure

The ideas listed below (Part One of a series on resilience), as a first step toward managing the sting of failure, address how failure experiences are perceived. In addition to resilience-building skills (which will be addressed in Part Two), it is essential to frame failure with an open mind and accepting attitude. A failure experience is less emotionally painful when viewed as part of a learning process, rather than as a sign of generalized incompetence or an indication that nothing will improve. If it can be understood as a normal part of growth and development and an opportunity for learning and self-awareness, its negative impact is diminished.

1. Respect their feelings

First, acknowledge your child's pain. Failure experiences sting; even when the situation seems minor to us, it can be a big deal for your child. Let your child know you understand and appreciate the suffering associated with feelings of anguish or embarrassment or disappointment. This does not mean dwelling on the negative, or enabling setbacks, or "coddling." As Brene Brown has noted, the recent cultural and media focus on grit and the "redemptive power" of failure overlook "the large swaths of darkness and struggle preceding it." Let your child know that you understand - and will be available as they move through and past it.

2. Reframe failure

Help your child "reframe" the concept of failure. If we view failure as a normal part of life and an opportunity for learning, its negative impact is diminished. Self-awareness, borne out of success, failure, and life in general, results in micro-adjustments to how we respond to stress, push ourselves, size up situations, and recalibrate when things don't go as planned. These are essential, necessary life skills. We also can help our children learn to distinguish between variations on the theme of failure. There are tiny failures (like forgetting their lunchbox), medium-sized failures (not finishing an essay on time), or big ones (like failing an entire course). Some sting more than others, but all are opportunities for growth and development. 

As parents, we also serve as role models. Our children observe (more than we realize, sometimes) how we handle stressful situations. We have the opportunity to demonstrate that we can cope with failure and that it is a normal part of life. It happens all the time - when we burn the waffles, forget our friend's birthday, or even lose our job. We can role model how to weather these events without shame, learn from them, and makes changes so that we behave differently in the future. Our children see that we are not crushed by failure, even if we feel frustrated or disappointed. In other words, they witness our resilience.

3. Put it in perspective

Your child's independence, confidence, and self-sufficiency are the ultimate goals. Keeping this perspective will guide you when choices get tough. Encouraging your child's independence is not a "hands-off" policy; in fact, it involves encouraging your child to face challenging situations, creating expectations for success, and refusing to "rescue" or shield them from developmentally-appropriate responsibilities. You can encourage your child to take academic risks, and appreciate how some achievements are more meaningful when they initially seemed out of reach. And you can promote the importance of ethics, integrity, cooperation with peers, and taking responsibility for their role in the classroom. Let your child know that actions speak more about character than accomplishments, and how one behaves is more important than being the best.

A final note:

Rather than rescuing our children from the latest setback, we serve them well when we encourage and support their independent efforts to tackle their problems. While this often forces us to hold our breath and sit with our own fears as we watch them struggle, it is just one of the many challenges we face as parents. As long as they are on the path toward growth and development, learning from experience is one of the best opportunities we can give them.

Part two will address specific resilience-building strategies.