Stop Labels from Derailing Self-esteem

How parents can intervene to prevent harm

Image: Pexels/Pavil Danilyuk

Raised in a family of professional musicians, my interest in music came naturally. I took to the piano like the proverbial “fish to water,” and practiced daily with a ferocious drive. No pushing or prodding was necessary.

But then, my interest faded.

My inertia stemmed from several factors: I stopped loving classical music, never felt comfortable with competition or the spotlight, and found that performances were a miserably anxious experience.

What sealed the deal, though was my sense of differentness from my peers. I hated being known as “the pianist” and cringed when adults automatically assumed my career path was set. As I progressed through my teen years, only my closest friends knew of my talent — hidden from others like a shameful secret.

Labeling, lack of attunement, and potential harm

What happened to me occurs routinely when children are labeled.

While often found among families with multiple children (he’s the smart one; she’s the athletic one), labeling is pervasive in a culture where little nuance is afforded toward each child’s unique and complex needs.

Once children engage with their peers — whether in school, the playground, or through organized activities — their talents, capabilities, and struggles become readily apparent, referenced through comparison with others.

Labels are commonplace, since categorizing complex information often feels good, making meaning out of what is messy and confusing. Labels also create a sense of identity and a connection to what we value most. We are members of families and nationalities and cultures, and personal identification with these defining categories can instill a fierce allegiance to political parties, religious doctrine, or even local sports teams.

Unfortunately, labels can minimize, devalue, and inaccurately pigeonhole others, creating damaging stereotypes.

The same stereotypes and prejudices held toward others can also influence our self-perceptions, both positive and negative.

How labels affect children

Labels create a sense of self-definition for children; vulnerable and impressionable, they believe what adults or other children say about them. Casual comments about their personality or appearance or flaws become entrenched in their psyche.

Labels frequently follow a student throughout school, passed on from teacher to teacher, affecting their expectations of said child. In fact, many adults still reel from memories of harsh, condescending (and sometimes untrue) words spoken with impatience by an authority figure.

Clients in my clinical psychotherapy practice often cling to childhood messages that have defined their sense of self, despite evidence to the contrary. They may perceive certain abilities or struggles as “fact,” rather than accept that they have either outgrown such labels, or that the labels were inaccurate from the start.

Thomas* (whose name is changed to protect his confidentiality) was seen as the “funny one” in his family and felt he could never compare with his extremely bright older brother. Despite good grades and a starring role in the school play, he still harbored doubts about himself and assumed he was an imposter, merely fooling others.

As the “older” sister in her family, Sue* assumed responsibility for her younger sister’s welfare… and continued to overfunction in her relationships as an adult. Yet, Sue’s “younger” sister was her twin; they were born 10 minutes apart! The label of older sister stuck, with little regard for the fact that they were the same age.

Challenging and moving beyond labels can be transformative, but also evoke feelings of anger, sadness, or ambivalence (tied to family loyalty or community). Many adults bemoan lost opportunities because they followed a family-prescribed path or doubted their abilities.

How can parents protect their children from harmful labels?

1. Pay attention to how you comment about your child’s strengths and struggles. If you describe a behavior as a global trait, they are more likely to adopt the label for themselves.

Instead of saying “you’re so lazy,” try “I see that you have a hard time remembering to put your dishes in the sink.” Rather than, “you’re so smart; you’re our shining star,” try “it’s great to see how you tackle homework and do so well.” Instead of “you’re so shy,” try “going to a party can feel scary, but let’s figure out the social skills that will help you feel more comfortable.”

Think: behavior and actions rather than defining traits.

2. Help your child challenge labels they receive from others. Encourage them to brainstorm why said child or adult called them a particular name. Were they having a bad day? Were they “projecting” their upset about something at home onto them?

Let your child know that the other person was out of line; they might not like the child’s behavior, but they have no authority to label and define them. Even if the the trait is positive — amazing athlete, smartest kid in the class, or in my case, a talented musician — it can create pressure to perform, to achieve perfection, and to always fit the label.

Of course, problematic behavior needs to be addressed. But without trait-based labels, children have a better chance of changing their behavior.

3. Point out that we all have differences, loyalties, preferences, and attachments to things that matter. Your child might be a huge New York Knicks fan, but they can still be friends with someone who loves the Boston Celtics. They might feel proud of their artistic talent; that doesn’t mean they must pursue art as a career.

Help them disentangle what they admire, identify with, and how they perceive themselves from who they are, in all of their wonderful, nuanced complexity.

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My musical talent never materialized into a career; I lacked the temperament, passion, and perfectionistic drive necessary for such challenging work.

Music is still an essential part of who I am — it just doesn’t define me.

Don’t let labels constrain, limit, and define you or your child. Pay attention to behaviors, actions, propensities, passions, and drive, but steer clear of all-encompassing, restrictive labels.

*All names were changed to protect privacy and confidentiality.

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

Gifted Overthinking: An Asset or a Liability?

Image: Pexels/Tiro Miroschnechenko

Logic, reason, introspection…. oh my!

Thinking deeply is a joy, especially for gifted folks who ponder the complexities of just about anything. They love to problem-solve, find creative solutions, deconstruct ideas, let their imaginations soar, and debate and disagree.

But deep introspection can go awry when it morphs into overthinking — an obsessive drive to mull over ideas or problems.

Neither a psychiatric diagnosis nor a behavior, overthinking is an anxiety-driven thought process. It might be enlisted initially to reduce anxiety, but this strategy typically backfires and fuels even more worry and uncertainty.

Overthinking creates a negative feedback loop, driven by the assumption that if I only think long enough, I will find the solution! And cognitively gifted people may be prone to overthinking, given their tendency to employ logic, critical thinking, and creative strategies.

The solution never comes, though, because overthinking minds will find yet another perspective or pathway or glitch that pokes holes in a seemingly good idea. Confidence dwindles. Anxiety increases. And the vicious cycle continues once again.

What causes overthinking?

Recognizing what fuels overthinking is the first step toward dismantling its grip. (Suggestions for managing the impact of overthinking are included in each section and also listed below.)

Here are some common elements of overthinking:

1. Taking charge at all costs

Overthinking can stem from a need for control. Some overthinkers are high achievers who demand excellence from themselves and others. They seem to have all the answers, master every detail, and grab the reins on any project. They take pride in their competence and barely come up for air as they race to keep up with the latest information and theories.

When self-worth rests on accomplishments or a fleeting sense of control, overthinkers are primed for disappointment. Learning to instead view failure as a springboard for future growth is essential. It can help to consistently challenge unrealistic expectations, experiment with making “planned mistakes,” and take steps to let go of past regrets or worries about the future.

2. Perfectionism

Perfectionism (or an unhealthy drive for excellence) is like control-driven overthinking on steroids.

Overthinkers who strive for perfection often pursue seemingly fool-proof plans to ensure that their desired outcomes come to fruition. But entrenched perfectionistic expectations merely stoke the flames of anxiety and disappointment.

Underlying perfectionistic overthinking is a deep-seated fear that presumed flaws will be exposed. This fuels additional perfectionism, repeated checking. and obsessing about what might go wrong. If they miscalculate and their goals elude them, they berate themselves for both the outcome and their failure to devise a perfect plan.

Perfectionism differs from a healthy drive to achieve. Researcher Patrick Gaudreau proposed the concept of “excellencism” to describe striving for excellence without the demanding perfectionistic ideals that typically detract from self-worth.

Perfectionistic overthinkers often benefit from teachers and mentors who are willing to challenge their unrealistic expectations and help them accept their imperfections. If perfectionism becomes overwhelming, counseling with a licensed mental health professional may be necessary.

3. Endless worry

When worry persists, it burrows deep into your psyche and overtakes all sense of reason or confidence. At this point, overthinking can morph into “rumination,” defined as “prolonged, and recurrent negative thinking about one’s self, emotions, personal concerns, and life experiences,” according to Harvard Medical School researchers Alice Flaherty and colleagues.

Persistent rumination fuels negative feelings like depression or anxiety which, in turn, lead to further ruminative thinking enlisted to alleviate those very unpleasant emotions.

It’s an endless cycle that just won’t quit.

Rumination is reinforced by the belief that rethinking the past or predicting future mishaps will eradicate the problem. This goes well beyond overthinking’s healthy counterparts of introspection, curiosity, and self-awareness. Overthinkers rework every potential glitch in their plans and torture themselves with “what-ifs” and worst-case-scenarios.

A tendency toward rumination may stem from a genetic/biological predisposition, a response to trauma, or just a very active mind. But ruminative thinking can lead to anxiety disorders, according to Flaherty and colleagues, and can contribute to the onset of depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, and even suicidal thoughts.

Finding alternative strategies or limiting “thinking time” are a few options, but sometimes, psychotherapy or medication are necessary to quell ruminative thoughts.

4. Distracted by too many choices

Some gifted overthinkers may become overwhelmed by choices. They freeze on multiple-choice tests when presented with too many options. They second-guess their answers. They obsess over choosing an essay topic when their mind swirls with so many possibilities. Rather than appreciate their ability to generate multiple ideas or analyze information from different perspectives, they feel anxious and overwhelmed instead.

With a mind that races from one fascinating idea to the next, gifted people can be distracted by their own imagination and creativity. It is easy to ignore the tedious task at hand when your mind conjures up thoughts that are so much more entertaining. In fact, some gifted children are misdiagnosed as having ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) because of their high energy level and difficulty focusing on a task.

Too many options can feel overwhelming when choosing a college major or career path. Multiple abilities, often described as multipotentiality, may seem like an asset, but can contribute to the burden of narrowing down career options. Attempts to juggle competing interests and tackling more than one pursuit or career goal may be overwhelming. Any eventual selection that eliminates other options can evoke anxiety and existential angst over the road not taken.

The busy minds and multiple interests of some gifted overthinkers can create an organizational bottleneck Their greatest challenge is learning to pace themselves, slow down, and develop executive functioning and mindfulness skills to focus on one task at a time. Regardless of how well they think they can multi-task, a distracted focus takes its toll. Learning to pay closer attention to one interest, task, and person at a time is essential.

5. Hijacked by shame

For some gifted people, shame is the culprit behind overthinking and drives negative, ruminative thinking. What if they discover I’m not really that smart? What if I don’t succeed? Maybe I don’t really belong in this advanced class.

Shame gathers steam when gifted children are chastised for “showing off.” Or shamed for correcting a teacher. Or teased about the occasional low test score. Or when they realize that other children think they are weird.

Early experiences with shame may become internalized and last into adulthood, affecting self-esteem, skewing perceptions about achievement, and solidifying unhealthy coping strategies. Shame fuels obsessing and overthinking, which in turn, drives even more shame-based fears. Many feel they are not entitled to relish their accomplishments and even the activities they enjoy.

Overcoming shame-based overthinking requires support and reassurance, finding a niche of like-minded peers, and sometimes, counseling to address low self-esteem and negative thoughts and feelings.

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Taming this particular beast

Overthinking can become a stubbornly entrenched pattern that creates the illusion of safe harbor.

It reassures the overthinker, who assumes that by acquiring just enough knowledge, and reviewing every possible option, the right solution will emerge.

Like gamblers — who who have lost their fortunes, but still assume that next time they’ll get lucky — overthinkers dismiss their misery and stick to the belief that obsessive thinking and planning will provide relief if they just think longer and harder.

What eludes them, though, is the realization that mistakes happen, that they will survive (and even learn from) disappointment, and overthinking makes things worse.

A mindful perspective is an essential first step, as described in psychiatrist Mark Epstein’s aptly titled book, Thoughts Without a Thinker. More than a meditation technique, mindfulness fosters a mindful state; it is an approach to remaining attuned to the present moment and accepting thoughts as something to be observed rather than obeyed. Learning to view thoughts (and worries) with curiosity can block the emotional spike that often precedes anxiety and overthinking.

While psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional can address some of the causes of overthinking (including trauma experiences or patterns of reactivity that stem from childhood) and provide guidance and support to circumvent overthinking, healthy forms of self-reflection (that you can do on your own) can also help to challenge negative thoughts and expectations.

When overthinking strikes, it may be helpful to ask yourself or your child the following questions for self-reflection:

What is the worst that could happen… and what is the likelihood that the worst will happen?

Where is the data? If I were a scientist, what facts would support or dispel my beliefs?

Will this matter five years from now?

Is this consistent with what is important to me and to my values?

How can I focus on what is happening right now in this moment, rather than on the past or what might occur in the future?

What other coping strategies can I use?

How can I gather strength and learn from my disappointments?