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And children who are cognitively gifted (typically identified by an IQ over 130) often feel ignored and even openly rejected by their same-age classmates.
As a clinical psychologist and parenting consultant, I frequently hear painful descriptions of rejection.
Gifted teens who feel like outliers. Parents feeling desperate to understand and best support their child. Adults who describe a painful childhood filled with bullying and haunting memories of isolation and exclusion.
Teachers, athletic coaches, and even camp counselors see this happening in real time.
And as a parent, you may have watched helplessly from the sidelines as other children easily connect on the playground, receive party invitations, and effortlessly attract friends. Your gifted child’s attempts to socialize are often declined — sometimes with evasiveness and other times with blatant rejection. You can’t play with us! You’re not invited!
How this starts
From an early age, gifted children recognize their differences.
They notice how quickly they grasp information compared to their same-age peers. They feel frustrated when other children don’t get their jokes or don’t understand the “rules” of a complicated game. They also feel the sting of rejection when excluded or teased. Some internalize the mocking comments lobbed toward them. Geek. Weirdo. Nerd. Or much worse…
And those who are twice-exceptional (with a co-existing condition such as ADHD, autism, or a learning disability) struggle even more.
What to do when your child or student doesn’t fit in?
Gifted children thrive when surrounded by like-minded peers where they can converse freely, share similar interests, engage in healthy competition, and no longer feel compelled to hide their talents.
Whether on the playground, at school, or on the soccer field, gifted children search for friends who truly “get them.” Their sense of isolation and “differentness” intensifies within most typical classroom settings where ability grouping — an option that might engender a sense of belonging and connection — is not considered.
How can you help your child or student find like-minded peers and navigate their social world while still remaining true to themselves?
What gifted children need
1. Understanding their giftedness
Your child or student already recognizes that they differ from their peers!
A clear, no-frills explanation of giftedness provides a context for what they already know to be true about themselves and conveys the facts without implying that they are somehow better than other children. It helps them understand why finding friends might seem elusive. (For more about how to address this with your child, see this link.)
Teachers can express a matter-of-fact attitude about differences to the entire classroom and refrain from commenting on the gifted student’s abilities or amplifying their differences by asking them to “tutor” other students.
2. Understanding their resistance to navigating social interactions
Remind your child that it is understandable and normal to feel uncomfortable in new social situations. Help them discover what negative thoughts, fears, and frustrations interfere. Ask about their worries and expectations (I just know they’ll laugh at me if I dance at the party).
Your empathy and support — along with a clear acknowledgment that they are different — will help them feel understood.
Teachers can provide support through seating arrangements or group projects where gifted students join with like-minded peers. When they can form connections with students who “get them,” their comfort level in the classrom increases.
3. Developing resilience in the face of challenging social situations
Consider using cognitive and self-regulation techniques, along with encouragement.
Cognitive strategies, such as brainstorming, help your child recognize a full range of possibilities that might explain their peers’ actions (instead of jumping to conclusions). Gifted kids are quick to come up with a solution and sometimes bypass other explanations.
Your child, for example, may assume that a friend is not responding to texts because they don’t like them anymore. Ask your child to compile a list of at least ten other reasons why their friend might be avoiding them.
Teach them calming and self-regulating techniques. Ask them to inhale slowly through their nose, and exhale with a longer exhalation. Some young children respond to imagery, such as blowing bubbles or a butterfly when they exhale. Various meditation or relaxation apps are available and some are geared toward children, such as techniques from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.
Help your child identify and choose from a range of strategies for addressing the problem, including:
Changing the situation (making a decision to find new friends they can trust)
Taking action (telling their friend what is upsetting them)
Changing their attitude (recognizing that five years from now, the friend’s rejection will no longer sting).
Schools can support students by conveying respect for each person’s differences, providing opportunities for social-emotional learning, and enlisting counselors to offer social skills groups for children who continue to struggle.
4. Finding social connections related to their interests
Gifted children long for both intellectual and social connection with peers who understand their view of the world and who just “get them.” They thrive when they can collaborate, compete, and be themselves in connection with others.
Schools can offer ability grouping in the classroom, where gifted kids connect with like-minded peers. Encourage participation in extra-curricular activities that appeal to them, such as robotics, theatre, reading Olympics, or meaningful volunteer work.
Activities outside of school could include music ensembles, visual arts, creative writing, film production, chess, coding, or a local museum’s paleontology class. (Some activities may be low-cost or offer financial scholarships.)
5. Improving social skills
Some gifted kids lag behind their peers in social development. While you might help them embrace their differentness, it is nevertheless upsetting when they can’t fit in with their peers.
In fact, in research on parenting concerns that I conducted along with researcher Kali Fedor, parents of both gifted and twice-exceptional children frequently worried about their gifted child’s social struggles.
Learning to navigate social norms is an acquired skill that is attainable while still remaining true to oneself; it helps on the playground, at school, and eventually in the workforce. Gifted children can embrace their uniqueness and show up authentically — and also learn tools for managing anxiety and navigating social interactions.
Developing social skills is not a dictate to mask who they are; instead, your child will feel empowered and have the confidence and skills to interact in challenging situations.
Strategies can include role-playing, imagining various outcomes, and “imaginal rehearsal” where they picture themselves as confident and successful with interactions (more on these strategies in a future article).
Adopting these necessary social skills can ease their anxiety and build confidence. They don’t have to be the life of the party or the most popular kid in their class. But they can find other children to play with or talk to, even if they don’t always feel entirely comfortable (just like the rest of us!).
When your encouragement is not enough, though, enlisting additional support is helpful, such as working with a licensed mental health professional or seeking out school counselors who offer social skills training. Any efforts toward boosting confidence and improving your child’s ability to handle these tough challenges will go a long way.
A simlar article was published on Medium.
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