Please Stop Shaming Gifted Children and their Families

Gifted terminology is the problem... not the child or their parents.

After reading yet another opinion article* equating gifted cognitive abilities with pushy parenting, I felt compelled to speak out…once again.

As a clinical psychologist who works with gifted teens and adults, the parent of gifted young adults, and an author who has written widely about giftedness and neurodiversity, I am troubled that stereotypes and misinformation persist.

Gifted cognitive abilities (often identified by an IQ score of at least 130, two standard deviations above the norm) can be nurtured through environmental stimulation, but ultimately, giftedness reflects divergent brain functioning. We’re talking brain differences — not achievement aspirations. Unfortunately, some people incorrectly assume gifted kids are hot-housed or prepped by wildly overinvolved parents.

Problems with the label

The “gifted” label is often the problem.

Yes, of course all children are special and a gift to their families. The use of gifted terminology, though, is often construed to imply that cognitively gifted people are somehow special or better. This stokes envy and bitterness, and can lead to assumptions that gifted cognitive ability is merely high achievement in disguise.

Platitudes such as “every child is gifted” or “giftedness is just a gift waiting to be unwrapped” are pervasive.

And while a challenging education or dedicated practice are essential, you can’t force giftedness any more than you can become an NBA star without some inherent talent. The public understands this regarding sports stars or talented musicians; it is much harder to accept, though, when it applies to cognitive abilities.

How the label got started

While equating giftedness with talent has persisted for centuries, this unfortunate terminology was officially coined in the 1920’s to describe exceptional cognitive abilities. Since then, the gifted label has remained as shorthand for conveying a cognitively advanced person’s capacity to absorb and process information with greater depth, speed, and intensity, all of which sometimes leads to outstanding achievements.

Recent attempts to change the label have included defining giftedness within the broader context of neurodiversity or neurocomplexity, aligning it with other brain differences, such as ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder. Regardless of how you define it, though, cognitively gifted students often remain unidentified and overlooked in schools tailored to the norm (particularly students who are persons of color, English Language Learners, or have a coexisting learning disability).

And without a challenging education, many gifted students coast through school with little to show for it. They experience boredom, disengagement, underachievement, and at the very least, a deficit in executive functioning skills (such as planning and time management) that can hamper later success in higher education or the work force.

Parents of the gifted struggle

In my psychotherapy practice, I have never encountered parents of gifted children who pushed their child to achieve. Never. In fact, achievement is rarely a priority. Instead, parents are often desperate to help their child find a meaningful education — one where they are not relentlessly bored.

Families raising gifted children rarely view giftedness as an amazing “gift.” They often describe feeling overwhelmed by their child’s intensity, heightened emotional sensitivities, or asynchronous development, where maturity lags behind intellect. They worry when their child loses interest in school and their zest for learning disappears. And they feel heartbroken when their child is misunderstood or rejected by same-aged peers.

Many gifted children also have twice-exceptional conditions (such as a learning disability or ADHD) which complicates their ability to thrive in school. In recently published study in Gifted Education International, my colleague, Kali Fedor, Ed.D. and I surveyed over 800 parents of gifted children. Most struggled with worries and concerns about their child’s academic, social, or emotional development, but not surprisingly, parents of twice-exceptional children reported significantly greater levels of worry and concern. (More about this study will be shared in a future article.)

Parents also struggle to find safe outlets where they can express their joys and concerns. Many refrain from conversations about their child’s accomplishments or struggles. In my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-Discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children, parents’ comments elicited through an online survey were included. This comment below exemplifies their sense of differentness and isolation:

“As a parent, you experience moments of intense joy, sadness, and misunderstanding. It’s not easy for anyone to understand that a 4-year-old can talk about world problems, but he cries when someone takes away his train toy… Sadly, society has a tendency to exclude the different. Anything outside the norm has a tendency to be discriminated against, bullied, or in most cases, left out.”

The gift of advocacy

When you live every day with a gifted child, navigate their intensity and sensitivity, despair when their school overlooks their needs, and hold back tears when they are rejected by peers — you understand the highs and lows of giftedness.

You already know that problems arise when schools ignore the needs of gifted children and refuse to provide a challenging education. And you know that when children are not offered a clear, matter-of-fact framework for understanding giftedness, they will likely form their own conclusions and may internalize any stigma and shaming they observe directed toward people like them.

As I commented previously:

“We would never accept this normalization of stigma and disparagement toward people based on race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, or learning struggles. Yet, gifted children are routinely shamed for their inherent abilities. They did not “choose” to possess a highly active mind, heightened intensities, or a drive for learning that may surpass the academic needs of their peers. As parents, educators, counselors, and legislators, we need to stop the misconceptions, false assumptions, and marginalization of gifted education — all of which can contribute to a false sense of self, confusion, and shame among the gifted.”

So, I am calling upon you to rise up and commit to advocacy and actively challenge misconceptions— whenever you hear them:

· Any false beliefs, alarmist criticism, and tired stereotypes.

· Any attempts to conflate gifted education with elitism or favoritism or harm to other students.

· Any assumptions that giftedness does not exist, or that kids can stop being gifted, or that eliminating gifted programs will solve the problems that besiege so many schools.

· Any public shaming of these children and their families.

I have commented widely that you, as parent of a gifted a child, are enlisted as an ambassador for giftedness. You might have never expected or asked for this role. Yet, it falls on you to educate others wherever you go. On the sidelines at soccer games. At school board meetings. At holiday meals with misinformed family members. With sports coaches or camp counselors or even some educators. In conversations where adults assume you have prepped your child. Through school-based and legislative advocacy. And through commentary when click-bait articles perpetuate harmful stereotypes.

Let’s get to work and stand up for these children and their families!

Welcome to Gifted Parenting: A Checklist of Emotions for Parents of Gifted Children

Image: Pexels/August de Richelieu

Surprise! Your child is gifted.

Or maybe it wasn't such a surprise. Perhaps you saw the signs from an early age: the precocity, the early language acquisition, the endless questioning, the obsession with everything LEGO. Regardless of whether there was any warning, it is a shock, a joy, and a bundle of anxiety all wrapped in a bow.

Welcome to gifted parenting!

As you grapple with decisions about schools and advocacy or search for books/classes/activities that engage your child's passions, you might notice that your own emotions surge at unexpected times. These emotions nag at you when your child seems bored at school or is misunderstood and their intentions disparaged. Anxiety swells as you lie awake, worrying about your child’s future. Fear, envy, pride, resentment, disappointment, anger, and bitterness are no strangers to parents of gifted children.

Unfortunately, there is very little attention to the parent’s experience in the research literature, as I found when writing my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey:

“A Google Scholar search of the emotional and psychological adjustment among parents of gifted children uncovered only a few studies. Instead, most articles targeted the parent’s perceptions of their child’s adjustment or how parenting behavior affected their gifted child.”

Nevertheless, parents of gifted children are well aware of how their experience raising a gifted or twice-exceptional child is different from the norm.

So many emotions

The first step toward coping with these complex emotions is to identify them.

Which of the following seem familiar to you?

___ I worry about my child's ability to fit in with other kids.

___ I resent the amount of extra energy I have to expend to engage my child's academic needs.

___ I am angry that the school offers few (if any) gifted services.

___ I feel embarrassed when my gifted child is so immature; sometimes they act as if they are years younger than their actual age.

___ I am tired of being treated like a pushy parent just because I ask for more challenging work for my child.

___ I envy other families whose kids seem so "normal."

___ I am frustrated that my child exerts little effort and is coasting through school; they are wasting their potential and the school overlooks this.

___ I wish I could show my enthusiasm and pride over my child's accomplishments and not worry that others might think I'm bragging.

___ I resent it when others think my child's abilities result from me pushing and prepping them. If anything, I am just along for the ride… and trying to keep up!

___ I resent that I have to do all of the work sorting out college options and that the school offers little guidance

___ I feel angry toward relatives who don't get it and minimize my concerns about my child.

___ I feel guilty that I don't want to do all of this advocacy work in the schools or that I don’t want to homeschool them.

___ I feel in awe of my child sometimes; I can't believe they can accomplish some of the amazing things they do.

___ I worry that I am not doing enough to push them to succeed.

___ I also sometimes worry that I am pushing them too much and it will backfire.

___ I feel heartbroken when my child is excluded from social events because they are so "different" from their peers.

___ I wish I could just relax and trust the schools to do their job.

___ I worry that they never will be happy, that they will always will feel so different from others, and will have trouble finding friends, a spouse or partner, and a job that is truly meaningful.

Do some of these sound familiar? Okay... most of them?

Parents of gifted children often struggle in silence with emotions that evoke guilt and shame. This is heightened when others imply that they should feel grateful about their child's abilities. After all, high IQ should be a ticket to happiness, Harvard, and any job they want. Right? Well, not exactly! Such myths and stereotypes only compound the stress involved with raising a gifted child.


Parenting an intense, curious, and reactive child, who may be asynchronous, highly sensitive, and out of sync with peers, is not easy. Constantly advocating for academic needs is demanding and overwhelming. And although intelligence certainly offers many advantages, it is no guarantee of success, joy, or admission to the college of their choice.

What you can do

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional children benefit from accepting the challenges of the road ahead. You're in it for the long haul, so get the support you need. The following may help:


1. Learn as much as you can about gifted children, gifted education and parenting. The more you know, the more you will understand about what you and your child are experiencing. It will normalize, validate and provide much needed information. A few of the well-known publishers of books about giftedness include Gifted Unlimited Press, Prufrock Press, GHF Press, and Free Spirit Publishing. And some great online information sites include NAGC, SENG, Hoagie's Gifted, GHF, and Davidson's. A variety of podcasts are also available. Get informed!


2. Find or start your own gifted parenting support group. These provide support, mutual understanding, and validation rarely found elsewhere. They provide a venue for shared information about what works and what doesn't within the schools, and a powerful tool for advocacy. Online groups are available on some social media sites, also, which can provide support and validation. (See my article, though, about your child’s privacy and sharing confidential information online.)


3. Take care of yourself. This goes for every parent, of course, but don't forget to find time for enjoyable activities, relaxation, and fun and silliness with your child. Learn stress management techniques for when you need them, and make time for friends, your partner or spouse, and enriching, meaningful activities. Your child also will benefit from you as a calm, happy parent.


4. If you haven't already realized it, please know that EVERY emotion listed on the above checklist is normal, understandable, and widespread among parents of gifted children. It is understandable to feel angry, alone, resentful and sad about these challenges. Accepting this reality may help with the guilt and the sense of isolation that accompanies some of these feelings. Get the support you need from those friends and family who truly "get it," other parents of gifted children, and gifted parenting support groups. Don't allow these emotions to overwhelm and interfere with the joy you might otherwise experience with your child.

Thank you!

I also want to thank those of you who recently participated in a survey study that Dr. Kali Fedor and I initiated that focused on the parents’ experience raising gifted or twice-exceptional children. We will share the results once the data is analyzed and submitted to a research journal for publication.


What were some of your surprise emotions as a parent? Let us know in the comments section below.

This article was also published on my Substack newsletter.