Gifted terminology is the problem... not the child or their parents.
After reading yet another opinion article* equating gifted cognitive abilities with pushy parenting, I felt compelled to speak out…once again.
As a clinical psychologist who works with gifted teens and adults, the parent of gifted young adults, and an author who has written widely about giftedness and neurodiversity, I am troubled that stereotypes and misinformation persist.
Gifted cognitive abilities (often identified by an IQ score of at least 130, two standard deviations above the norm) can be nurtured through environmental stimulation, but ultimately, giftedness reflects divergent brain functioning. We’re talking brain differences — not achievement aspirations. Unfortunately, some people incorrectly assume gifted kids are hot-housed or prepped by wildly overinvolved parents.
Problems with the label
The “gifted” label is often the problem.
Yes, of course all children are special and a gift to their families. The use of gifted terminology, though, is often construed to imply that cognitively gifted people are somehow special or better. This stokes envy and bitterness, and can lead to assumptions that gifted cognitive ability is merely high achievement in disguise.
Platitudes such as “every child is gifted” or “giftedness is just a gift waiting to be unwrapped” are pervasive.
And while a challenging education or dedicated practice are essential, you can’t force giftedness any more than you can become an NBA star without some inherent talent. The public understands this regarding sports stars or talented musicians; it is much harder to accept, though, when it applies to cognitive abilities.
How the label got started
While equating giftedness with talent has persisted for centuries, this unfortunate terminology was officially coined in the 1920’s to describe exceptional cognitive abilities. Since then, the gifted label has remained as shorthand for conveying a cognitively advanced person’s capacity to absorb and process information with greater depth, speed, and intensity, all of which sometimes leads to outstanding achievements.
Recent attempts to change the label have included defining giftedness within the broader context of neurodiversity or neurocomplexity, aligning it with other brain differences, such as ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder. Regardless of how you define it, though, cognitively gifted students often remain unidentified and overlooked in schools tailored to the norm (particularly students who are persons of color, English Language Learners, or have a coexisting learning disability).
And without a challenging education, many gifted students coast through school with little to show for it. They experience boredom, disengagement, underachievement, and at the very least, a deficit in executive functioning skills (such as planning and time management) that can hamper later success in higher education or the work force.
Parents of the gifted struggle
In my psychotherapy practice, I have never encountered parents of gifted children who pushed their child to achieve. Never. In fact, achievement is rarely a priority. Instead, parents are often desperate to help their child find a meaningful education — one where they are not relentlessly bored.
Families raising gifted children rarely view giftedness as an amazing “gift.” They often describe feeling overwhelmed by their child’s intensity, heightened emotional sensitivities, or asynchronous development, where maturity lags behind intellect. They worry when their child loses interest in school and their zest for learning disappears. And they feel heartbroken when their child is misunderstood or rejected by same-aged peers.
Many gifted children also have twice-exceptional conditions (such as a learning disability or ADHD) which complicates their ability to thrive in school. In recently published study in Gifted Education International, my colleague, Kali Fedor, Ed.D. and I surveyed over 800 parents of gifted children. Most struggled with worries and concerns about their child’s academic, social, or emotional development, but not surprisingly, parents of twice-exceptional children reported significantly greater levels of worry and concern. (More about this study will be shared in a future article.)
Parents also struggle to find safe outlets where they can express their joys and concerns. Many refrain from conversations about their child’s accomplishments or struggles. In my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-Discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children, parents’ comments elicited through an online survey were included. This comment below exemplifies their sense of differentness and isolation:
“As a parent, you experience moments of intense joy, sadness, and misunderstanding. It’s not easy for anyone to understand that a 4-year-old can talk about world problems, but he cries when someone takes away his train toy… Sadly, society has a tendency to exclude the different. Anything outside the norm has a tendency to be discriminated against, bullied, or in most cases, left out.”
The gift of advocacy
When you live every day with a gifted child, navigate their intensity and sensitivity, despair when their school overlooks their needs, and hold back tears when they are rejected by peers — you understand the highs and lows of giftedness.
You already know that problems arise when schools ignore the needs of gifted children and refuse to provide a challenging education. And you know that when children are not offered a clear, matter-of-fact framework for understanding giftedness, they will likely form their own conclusions and may internalize any stigma and shaming they observe directed toward people like them.
“We would never accept this normalization of stigma and disparagement toward people based on race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, or learning struggles. Yet, gifted children are routinely shamed for their inherent abilities. They did not “choose” to possess a highly active mind, heightened intensities, or a drive for learning that may surpass the academic needs of their peers. As parents, educators, counselors, and legislators, we need to stop the misconceptions, false assumptions, and marginalization of gifted education — all of which can contribute to a false sense of self, confusion, and shame among the gifted.”
So, I am calling upon you to rise up and commit to advocacy and actively challenge misconceptions— whenever you hear them:
· Any false beliefs, alarmist criticism, and tired stereotypes.
· Any attempts to conflate gifted education with elitism or favoritism or harm to other students.
· Any assumptions that giftedness does not exist, or that kids can stop being gifted, or that eliminating gifted programs will solve the problems that besiege so many schools.
· Any public shaming of these children and their families.
I have commented widely that you, as parent of a gifted a child, are enlisted as an ambassador for giftedness. You might have never expected or asked for this role. Yet, it falls on you to educate others wherever you go. On the sidelines at soccer games. At school board meetings. At holiday meals with misinformed family members. With sports coaches or camp counselors or even some educators. In conversations where adults assume you have prepped your child. Through school-based and legislative advocacy. And through commentary when click-bait articles perpetuate harmful stereotypes.
Let’s get to work and stand up for these children and their families!
Additional information and resources about giftedness are available through your state or province-based gifted education association, the NAGC (National Association for Gifted Children), and SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted).
*Please note that I chose not to link to the opinion piece I referenced. I did not want to further legitimize the author’s false claims by publishing it.
The image above was curtousy of Pexels/Ron Lach. A similar version of this article was previously posted on Medium.
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