Sometimes, "professionals" don't get it. Here's what they might not understand.
Your child is gifted. Or neurodivergent. Or twice-exceptional (a combination of both).
But sometimes the “experts” don’t get it.
Perhaps you have spoken with pediatricians or school counselors or psychotherapists or life coaches or experienced teachers and none of them fully get it. They mean well, but may assume that your cognitively gifted child (frequently identified as having an IQ of 130 or higher) “will do just fine,” regardless of their education.
They don’t grasp your child’s intensity or overthinking. They don’t appreciate the insidious effects of perfectionism or isolation or “impostor syndrome.” They don’t understand the depth of executive functioning challenges or distractibility or sensory sensitivity. And they may not recognize underachievement in a child whose neurodivergent condition complicates traditional learning approaches, or who receives relatively good grades, but coasts through school with little effort.
Sometimes the experts don’t fully grasp that your child craves learning like other kids crave recess. That they were never “hot-housed” or test-prepped into success. That they can still feel bored in “advanced” classes or an expensive private school. That they might possess multipotentialities: they can be academically gifted and a talented artist and an elite athlete.
And as I wrote recently, you might feel chastised or shamed when you advocate for your child. You may be used to random conversations with neighbors, extended family, or even well-meaning friends who don’t understand your struggles.
But somehow, you expected more from those in positions of authority.
And if your child is “twice-exceptional” — both gifted and neurodivergent — many professionals are unsure about how to address their complex learning and social/emotional needs. Attempts to tackle learning challenges due to ADHD, ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), a learning disability, or sensory sensitivities might include a structured protocol that does not fully account for their intensity or aversion to certain routines or difficulty using traditional organizational strategies.
What most parents wish the experts knew about giftedness
Unfortunately, many well-meaning, highly trained experts in their respective fields may have little understanding of giftedness or how neurodivergence is expressed. There may be so much you wish they understood about your child… or a day in your life. Here are a few examples:
1. Giftedness is not a choice… neither is a twice-exceptional condition
You don’t get to choose your intellectual ability or brain functioning any more than your eye color. Giftedness is unrelated to race, gender, income, ethnicity, test-prepping, or hard work. You can’t stop being gifted. However, an impoverished environment or lackluster education will suppress gifted abilities, and often lead to underachievement, inertia, or hopelessness.
2. Gifted children crave learning as long as it is challenging, stimulating, and creative
Their school environment and their comfort expressing themselves and revealing their abilities (without fear of reprisal from peers) is critical. A flexible academic environment, equipped with teachers who truly understand giftedness, and with options for ability grouping, clustering, and acceleration, is essential. And despite claims that gifted students will thrive at just about any college, the importance of finding the right fit is just as essential in college as in the earlier years.
3. Gifted children do not fit any one particular stereotype
Some are introverted and socially anxious; others are confident leaders. Some are perfectionistic and achievement-oriented; others hide their talents so they can fit in with peers. Many are highly sensitive, creative, and empathetic, with an acute sense of fairness and justice. Some are twice-exceptional and have learning challenges in addition to their gifted intellect. Many also possess multipotentialities and face a range of academic, creative, and career choices.
4. Many gifted children have difficulty finding friends or fitting in with same-age peers, regardless of their social skills
They may never fit in with the “cool kids” and might bristle when unfairness toward others is the entry ticket to the popular crowd. Some exhibit signs of asynchronous development, which can contribute to a lag in social maturity. Many feel like outliers, regardless of their popularity status. Unless they find other children with similar interests and views, they may become isolated and insecure.
5. Sometimes, gifted children are misdiagnosed
This happens when traits associated with giftedness are misunderstood as related to another condition. For example, an active, highly energetic gifted child might be incorrectly labeled with a diagnosis of ADHD. Other times, problems that are psychological in nature can be attributed to giftedness, and concerns that warrant treatment may be ignored. Sometimes pediatricians, psychotherapists, and life coaches (who lack training in mental health or counseling) miss this distinction. Anyone working with a gifted child or family must understand the complex interplay between giftedness and psychological, social, emotional, and intellectual factors, especially when a child is twice-exceptional.
6. Parenting a gifted child brings unique challenges
Parents worry about their child’s future, often assume the burden of advocacy at school, and may feel isolated from other parents who don’t understand their concerns. In our research on parenting worries and concerns, conducted along with my colleague, Dr. Kali Fedor, we found that parents of twice-exceptional children expressed an even greater level of worry and concern than parents whose child did not have a coexisting condition. (More to come about this research in a future article.)
Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional children struggle to navigate their child’s emotional and academic needs. But they also have their own emotional reactions. Anxiety, guilt, anger, and obsessive worry — these emotions are all too familiar to parents of gifted children. As I described in my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, parents need support! Yet unfortunately, they often encounter misunderstanding, judgment, and criticism.
What you can do
When advocating for your child, you can tactfully provide information that may be counter to what the professional assumes. Approach them with curiosity about their opinions, and emphasize a collaborative spirit. Professionals who work with children want to help them succeed and feel good about themselves. You are both on the same side!
Offer to collaborate, provide additional information, and emphasize that you have a different perspective, given what you see in your child at home or in other situations. Ask for referrals for additional neuropsychological testing (if indicated), extracurricular activities that might support your child’s specialized interests, or what additional options or services are available within the school. And keep in mind that sometimes, schools, teachers, and other professionals get it right!
Most importantly, find support for yourself. Cultivate a group of friends, other parents of gifted children, or extended family members who will listen to your worries, provide support, and withhold judgment. The more you take care of yourself, the easier and more fulfilling the parenting journey.
A similar version of this article was recently published on Medium.
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