What Kind of Gifted Person Will You Become?

Cultivating an intentional path through self-awareness... despite the strengths and pitfalls of cognitive giftedness

Photo: The Author

Graduation season is upon us.

You may have graduated from high school… or college… or graduate or professional school. You may have launched from home. You might even have found your dream job.

But what kind of gifted person do you really want to be?

A strange question, perhaps.

As a cognitively gifted or twice-exceptional person, you may have excelled. You might hold a strong (and possibly perfectionistic) drive to achieve… or conversely, coasted through school without exerting much effort.

You quickly grasp information and relish the intensity, depth, and passion you bring when immersed in what interests you. You also might have felt some external or even internalized pressure to “live up to your potential.” And you may feel perplexed when faced with a range of career or lifestyle options due to your multipotentiality.

You might even grieve the road not traveled after abandoning uncharted vocational aspirations.

Being gifted may seem like a blessing but, at times, also a burden.

More control than you think

But what can you do about it?

After all, you’re no more responsible for your intellectual strengths than for your eye color. Right?

Well... perhaps you do have some control.

Many studies suggest that despite the heritability of intelligence, we all are affected by our environment: the impact of pollution, nutrition, early childhood deprivation, trauma, poverty, and the quality of the education we received.

Some lucky folks among us seem to have hit the lottery; a smooth, easy ride through childhood, the absence of trauma, and supportive, yet challenging families and teachers. The rest of us... well, we have struggled. Or our giftedness remained hidden. Or we never fully reached our potential.

As a psychologist, writer, parent, and another fellow traveler along this life journey, I have encountered many gifted folks. Some enthusiastically embrace life, learning, and their amazing potential. Others suppress and hide their talents and abilities. Still, others feel bitter and angry over lost opportunities.

I have known some gifted folks who:

• Love life and harness the power of their talents

• Focus their careers toward something meaningful

• Engage their empathy and heightened sensitivity in their interactions with those they love

• Utilize their strong analytic thinking and strategic skills to solve problems and find solutions

• Develop a curious, open-minded, receptive view of life, with an acceptance toward learning from whatever happens

• Take responsibility to address nagging insecurities, fears, skills deficits, or interpersonal struggles

I have also known gifted folks who:

• Harbor anger, bitterness, and apathy due to mistreatment from parents, schools, or peers

• Suppress their talents to please others; they avoid conflicts or competitive situations, or conform to cultural standards that frown upon expressing their abilities (due to gender, racial or cultural expectations or stereotypes)

• Flee from challenging social situations where they feel inadequate

• Refuse to push or challenge themselves and settle for mediocre circumstances

• Avoid academic or career opportunities that are difficult, require effort, or where they might not immediately excel

• Express impatience, cynicism, and frustration when peers, co-workers, or authority figures do not seem as smart, quick, or as capable of complex thinking

• Place excessive demands upon themselves to achieve perfection and always win or be the best

• Feel despair because they did not achieve their vision of success and cannot appreciate what they have accomplished or feel gratitude for what is positive in their lives

• Swear upside and down that, no way are they gifted! (despite enormous evidence to the contrary)

• Fear that others will be annoyed by their intensity or sensitivity

• Utilize their smarts to cut corners, avoid responsibility, coast through school, and take the easy way out, even though this keeps them feeling bored and apathetic

• Refuse to try something unless they are already good at it

• Feel like an imposter, despite successes

The bottom line:

The list of complicating factors could go on. But the takeaway is that you, as a gifted person, are entitled to take charge of your life and utilize your talents and abilities.

Your passionate engagement with what is interesting and meaningful is the best possible use of your inherent strengths. But it falls on you to challenge and resolve the personal roadblocks, fears, insecurity, and blind spots that block your path.

Even if you have endured trauma or a lackluster education.

Even if you have been bullied or never feel quite like you fit in.

Even if you make mistakes and are far from perfect.

Take stock of your values, passions, interests, and what drives you… and follow that path. This might involve journaling, devising a list of self-reflective questions*, connecting with a group of like-minded friends, or seeking the support of a licensed mental health professional, mentor, or spiritual leader.

Regardless of whether you are 15 or 50, you deserve to embrace your strengths and challenge yourself to expand your reach.

Poet Mary Oliver’s wonderful quote applies here: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

What will you do?

What kind of gifted person will you become?

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A similar version of this was posted previously on Substack.

*Stay tuned for articles with suggestions about questions for self-reflection, designed to enhance your self-awareness.

Avoid these “Worst” College Visitation Mistakes

Photo: The author/Lehigh University Student Center

 It’s college visitation season right now.

As a parent, some of my most beloved road trips involved college visits, where my sons and I compared notes, and often (surprisingly) had quite similar perspectives on what we observed.

Some visits were eye-opening. One of my sons had little interest in a college that (to me) seemed like an amazing school. On a tour of New England colleges, I convinced him to visit said college…and he loved it! In fact, he ended up attending the school a year later (tip: sometimes parents know their kids pretty darn well, and sense what college might be a good fit!).

Other times, we fled the scene.

On one visit, we were surprised to find a nun, in full black religious habit, greeting visitors at the information session. While she was very welcoming and kind, her presence sent a clear visceral message that anyone who wasn’t Catholic might not quite fit in, despite website claims to the contrary.

As a psychologist, I have heard stories from countless teens and their families about their reassuring/disappointing/funny college visits. Both parents and their children learned a lot about what is most meaningful beyond the glitter and the school’s marketing strategies.

College visitation advice that misses the mark

Conventional wisdom found online sometimes conveys unhelpful or useless advice, and may not be particularly relevant to your child’s unique needs. Often, the most essential information is unavailable, creating false impressions and inaccurate takeaways. These suggestions are particularly relevant for families of gifted children. Keep this in mind on your visits, and consider avoiding these “worst” college visitation tips:

Bad tip #1: Skip the information session

Some online advice suggests skipping the information sessions in favor of the tour. Although info sessions can seem redundant when they cover facts already listed on the college website, they still provide a window into the school’s values, priorities, and admission criteria…especially if you listen carefully and read between the lines.

Pay attention to the overt and subtle messages conveyed by the speaker, whether they are welcoming or seem annoyed by questions, and if the information is clear and relevant or more like a pep rally full of stats about sports teams and famous alumni.

Even if the information conveyed is vague and filled with fluff, you may pick up useful gems about the college’s general attitudes about education that may play a critical role in the decision-making process.

Bad tip #2: Stick to the tour

College tours can be deceiving.

Tours are designed to impress and to cover presumably appealing highlights about the campus — college landmarks, beautiful buildings, the library, a new gymnasium — but may not provide the information you and your child need. On one tour, we were ushered into a gorgeous cathedral filled with soaring rafters and sparkling stained glass. However, it was highly unlikely that my son would spend any time there as a student!

After the official tour ends, go on a tour of your own. Visit buildings you and your teen would like to see. If your child knows their potential major, visit the building where it’s housed. This is especially important with hands-on majors, such as art, music, theatre, engineering, and the sciences. Go to an extracurricular activity they plan to join. If they are an athlete, an actor, or a musician, for example, encourage them to visit the venues where they will be spending their time…and if possible, attend a sports game or concert.

Bad tip #3: Listen to your tour guide

Too many families overvalue the advice from tour guides during college visits. They rave about their ability to walk backwards, pepper them with “trick” questions about what really happens at campus parties, and expect truthful answers about problems at the school. Some even eliminate a college from their list because of a disappointing tour. Keep in mind, though, that most tour guides are 20-year-old students in work study jobs. You might obtain a snippet of inside information, but it is colored by the guide’s perspective or censored so they won’t get fired from their job.

Rather than expecting so much from these student guides, use the tour to notice the surroundings, buildings, current students, and those visiting on the tour along with you — who may end up as your child’s classmates. Does the campus and student body seem like a good fit for your child?

Bad tip #4: Pay attention to the dorm visit

Most families look forward to visiting a dorm room during their tour… tape measure in hand. While this can be informative, what you observe is only one of the many dorms on campus, and may not be representative of where your child will live. Instead, you might learn more from online campus tours and dorm room floor plans.

Similarly, eating in the dining hall may provide some perspective about whether the food seems edible, but one meal alone will not adequately reflect the quality of the dining services. What may be more beneficial while you’re there, though, is observing interactions among students, how quickly they can navigate the dining hall to access a meal, the variety of available foods, and options for dietary accommodations, if needed.

Bad tip #5: Sitting in on a class is a waste of time

Some people advise against sitting in on classes, since your teen might encounter a professor on a bad day, or one with a less than engaging teaching style. Nevertheless, your child can learn a lot from class attendance. They can witness the pace and complexity of instruction, picture themselves in the room as a college student, and determine whether the class is much too easy, just about right, or way too hard. They can see how professors interact with students, whether they encourage class participation, or merely lecture to them. They can view how engaged students are, whether they offer their ideas, or remain disinterested and glued to their phones.

If the college doesn’t provide a list of classes that your child can visit, suggest that they contact the school for more information about how to sit in on a class of interest. Often, contacting the department of their intended major can connect them with a professor who would welcome them for a visit. And observing several different classes is ideal, especially if visiting the college after acceptance.

Bad tip #6: Your child should decide where you visit

Your child certainly needs to make the final decision when choosing where to attend college. But sometimes, teens can discount certain colleges based on false impressions and biases and end up eliminating viable options (as I mentioned above about our college visits). Some teens are set on specific colleges because of prestige, its status as a party school, or whether or not Greek life predominates the social scene.

More relevant factors need to be considered, such as cost; financial aid; the school’s size and location (city, suburb, rural); distance from home; options for internships, research opportunities, or career placement; curriculum requirements; special accommodations (if needed); and diversity of the student population.

As their parent, you can also formulate a plan ahead of time, gently encourage visits to additional colleges not on their list, and challenge any initial misconceptions about these schools. Some high achieving students may set their sights on highly competitive “reach” schools and refuse to consider other choices. It is essential to include both academic and financial “safety” schools (where your child is likely to be admitted) and to have at least several realistic choices, since admission to your child’s dream school may not materialize.

Bottom line:

Get informed, learn as much as you can about colleges, recognize what your child needs — academically, socially, and emotionally — and use caution when following advice (even this article’s advice) found online. Visits aren’t for everyone… especially given travel costs. But if you have the time and money, a college visit can be an eye-opener…as well as a chance to bond with your child.

Recognize that most overworked guidance counselors may not have enough information to guide your child, and responsibility for the college search will fall on you. Be clear about costs, and let your child know if some schools are not affordable (before they set their sights on a college they can never attend).

Pay attention to your own personal needs, wishes, and fears, and try to separate these from what you consider the best course of action for your child. Remain available to offer suggestions, answer questions, and calm their nerves, but try to refrain from expressing too many opinions. Listen closely as your child shares whatever thoughts, impressions, excitement, or disappointments arise.

And enjoy this wonderful opportunity to share a unique experience with your child where together, you can envision their future!

Note: A version of this article was previously published on the Parenting Portal on Medium.