Gifted impatience: Is it a thing?

One of the most baffling traits shared by some gifted folks is their impatience. They grapple with a world that makes no sense and endure constant reminders that their intentions are misunderstood. They fume about others' foibles, despair over job snafus, and sometimes abandon friendships when values differ.

Yet, the gifted also typically possess heightened sensitivity and empathy. So how does that translate into a low tolerance for others' (or their own) mistakes?

A gifted individual's sensitivity and empathy, their astute awareness, and their complex minds all blend with their high expectations when forming perceptions of people or events. This fuels impatience when others (or when they, themselves) fail to live up to these expectations. 

Impatience starts in childhood and continues well into adulthood

Impatience with others starts early. You see it in young gifted children. They become enraged when their friends don't understand the boardgame rules or can't appreciate their passion for cataloging geological eras. They become bossy or demanding or run home crying in despair when their friends don't get them. Later, they learn to suppress outward signs of frustration, but are furious inside. Worse yet, they quickly realize how much they differ from others, assume they'll never find their niche, and may start to withdraw. 

Adolescence compounds the problem. An awareness of their differentness amplifies the usual teen angst related to peer pressure and dissillusionment with authority. Gifted teens often feel betrayed by cultural, religious, and family values that no longer make sense, and may experience an existential crisis. They see their peers making impractical choices they would never consider, such as risky sexual behaviors or excessive drug and alcohol use, and don't understand why some kids seem to hate learning. They feel like old souls in a child's body, and realize how they just don't fit in with mainstream society. 

Some gifted teens place undue demands on themselves. They are impatient and unforgiving when they make a mistake, striving to achieve unattainable expectations. Other gifted teens may be perceived as opinionated and arrogant, or at the very least, unapproachable. Their cynicism and snarky rebuttals create barriers that interfere with relationships. They become frustrated with their peers' slower pace or seemingly simplistic grasp of the facts, and may lose respect for teachers or other authority figures whom they deem lacking in complexity. 

As adults, gifted folks may feel alienated from family members and even old friends whom they no longer respect. They endure frustration at work when colleagues seem disengaged or lack a strong work ethic or (once again) cannot grasp information as quickly. Rote tasks, arbitrary rules, and small talk can become unbearable. Tolerating company directives they view as pointless leaves them demoralized. Many gifted folks feel their ideas are "correct;" yet, that is small comfort when they feel so misunderstood and alone.

What can an impatient gifted person do in a world that makes no sense?

1. First, recognize your grief. Your gift for seeing the world clearly and with depth and complexity creates a dilemma that sometimes leaves you on the outside looking in. Most classmates, neighbors, or coworkers are not going to understand or agree. You may need to grieve this reality and reach out to those few trusted friends or family, or even a therapist, who can understand and validate your perspective. They don't need to agree with every point; they just need to acknowledge the sadness and despair underneath your frustration. Let them in. Let them support and comfort you.

2. Secondly, consider that you may not always be "right." We are always growing and learning. What seems like an absolute may change over time. Consider that what seems like truth may be infused with your unique perspective formed through personal experiences, cultural values, family influences, or the limitations of your education. There is so much you don't know. 

3. Enlist your powerful empathy. You may have boundless compassion for those less fortunate, yet bristle when your coworker cannot complete assignments on time. Enlist your astute radar for what others are feeling and remind yourself that many people you encounter are trying their best and may not have the same privilege as you. 

4. Okay, but empathy and compassion have their limits. In fact, you might not want to remain in untenable situations for too long. This could mean leaving your job, changing careers, or disengaging from some friendships. Finding more meaningful, stimulating, and engaging connections may seem impossible at first, given the limited number of gifted folks out there. And of course, not every gifted person you meet is going to agree with you! But searching for meaning and intellectual challenge is vital to your own well-being; don't ignore this mandate.

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5. Commit to self-regulation and to cultivating a self-care practice so you can more easily manage the frustrations that inevitably arise. This might include some of the basics, such as sound nutrition, regular exercise, and a consistent sleep schedule. It can also include a calming practice (such as meditation, yoga, or even prayer), creative outlets, meaningful volunteer work, and joyful time with loved ones. You may feel things intensely; that doesn't mean intensity must be debilitating. Find the self-care strategies that work best and commit to using them. 

6. Find connection and support. Yes, you can enlist logic and critical thinking and rely on yourself to figure things out. But battling frustrations on your own keeps you isolated. Join activities where like-minded peers converge. Find a support group for gifted folks. Express your frustrations through creative outlets, exercise, or venting to friends. Reach out to loved ones. Consider therapy if your feelings of despair or frustration become overwhelming. 

Your impatience is a warning sign that something is amiss. You have choices in how you digest and interpret information and in how you approach each person or situation. Developing resilience and coping strategies for frustrating encounters and disappointments are essential. The serenity prayer used in almost all 12-step programs is a great reminder to recognize what you can and cannot change and to develop the wisdom to know the difference. Enlist your immense capacity for logic and critical thinking when evaluating what you can do going forward, but don't let expectations or a desire for perfection (in yourself or others) limit you. And reach out to others for support; you don't have be endure your emotions in isolation.

 

“Simplicity, patience, compassion; these three are your greatest treasures.” - Lao Tzu, ancient Chinese philosopher

 

Five resilience-building tips for your gifted child this summer

Summer is that mixed bag of relaxation and fun, along with occasional stretches of boredom and isolation. Many gifted kids love the summer, but others struggle with sadness and fears. Separated from their school friends, sometimes anxious about starting a new class or camp, and lacking structure from the school year, many feel lost and alone. Some parents initiate a flurry of activities and scheduled events; others allow their kids to meander through the summer, devise their own activities, and take a break from education. 

Whatever summer plans you envision, consider placing some resilience-building activities on the agenda. Resilience is loosely defined as the ability to bounce back from and thrive after adversity. It is a behavioral skill that can be cultivated - not a fixed personality trait. No one is resilient in every situation; we all are influenced by an interplay of personal characteristics and family, cultural, and social circumstances. (Several blog posts on resilience-building in gifted children can be found here and here.)

Even within the context of greater freedom and relaxed schedules and expectations, summer break still provides opportunities for tackling new and different challenges. Many gifted children thrive when challenged; learning something new does not have to be stressful, especially when unencumbered by grades and exams. Summertime creates opportunities for developing the "non-cognitive" skills that help gifted children thrive. Here are a few guidelines for helping your child improve their resilience-building skills:

1. Try an activity that is new and difficult

It is humbling to try something new. Many gifted children are used to excelling and this expectation may define their sense of self. They expect to succeed, and any possibility of failure or mediocrity can be devastating. Trying something new and difficult provides an opportunity to upend these expectations and build resilience. Summer is a great time for your child to try a new activity. Pushing themselves further or tackling an activity where they have no previous experience can instill humility, resourcefulness, and a sense of accomplishment - just for completing the task. They also unexpectedly might discover unknown strengths and interests. 

Skills-building can involve tackling a completely new activity, pushing themselves further to advance a skill they already enjoy, engaging their creative strengths, or refining and delving more deeply into an area of interest. If your child loves math, for example, they might learn to code. If they love art, they might try a new painting technique or transition from watercolor to oil painting. If they always liked science experiments, a fun summer class that explores chemistry might ignite their interests further. Any new skill or ability developed over the summer can build resilience and instill confidence as they approach the next school year.

2. Tackle fears

Summer is a good time for tackling nagging fears and anxiety. A less demanding schedule frees up time to work on what worries your gifted child most, whether fear of failure and imperfection, or entrenched fears and phobias. This requires a measured, compassionate, and supportive approach, devoid of harsh expectations or rigid goals. You know your child best, and probably already know that pushing them too hard can backfire, provoke further resistance, and even increase their fears. Many gifted children and teens feel shame when they struggle to accomplish a task or overcome their anxiety. A child who is terrified of heights, for example, is not yet ready for a ziplining course. However, a gradual approach and gentle prodding or goal-setting can help them face what they most fear. 

If your child is afraid of the water, for example, sit with them while they dangle their legs at the pool, and eventually help them ease into the shallow end and splash around. Eventually, you can encourage even greater water skills. If you sign them up for a structured swimming class before they overcome some of these fears, their anxiety likely will increase. If they are afraid of spiders, help them identify at least one insect that does not create fear, such as a butterfly or ladybug, and encourage them to approach these insects whenever possible.  Certainly, healthy distractions, calming strategies, mindfulness techniques, and even deep breathing exercises can provide support as they confront these fears. Any experience with overcoming what they fear, even in small amounts, will build confidence. (Please note that sometimes working with a licensed mental health professional can assist them when they need more guidance and support.)

3. Find new friends

Friendships can be complicated for gifted kids. They are drawn to like-minded peers who "get them" and can appreciate or at least accept their sometimes quirky, intense, and offbeat approach to the world. Even when they find someone who seems relatable, they may hesitate to build a friendship. Encourage your child to set a playdate with the child they rave about from robotics camp, for example, or plan a movie outing with their new friend from art class - even if reaching out seems overwhelming. Coach them and use role-play on how to approach other children, as long as your child will let you guide them.

Most kids are not gifted, though, and learning to find friends in that vast sea of neurotypical children will serve your child well. Encourage them to reach out to the new neighborhood child or their tennis partner from camp or the "scary" outgoing, seemingly confident child they sometimes play with at the park. The ability to relate to those who seem different is a skill that will last a lifetime. Introverted, quirky, or shy gifted kids benefit from as many opportunities as possible to flex those social skills muscles. 

4. Set goals and follow through on them 

While summer is a time for relaxing expectations, you still might encourage your child to set some basic goals and follow through on them. Some examples might include learning to ride a bike, setting a goal to improve their chess rating, writing college entrance essays ahead of time (if they are going into their last year of high school), or even taking social risks as mentioned above. It also can involve tackling a challenging activity or facing their fears. Perfection and absolute success are unnecessary; coming close to reaching their goals, seeing their progress along the way, and keeping an open mind toward trying something new are valuable lessons.

You also may have some specific goals you would like your child to accomplish - like reading a few books or keeping their room clean. You certainly can express your expectations and work with them to devise incentives or rewards for reaching these goals. And a reminder - rewards do not have to be monumental. Develop a reasonable plan with mini-rewards (such as an extra hour at the pool or additional screen time) as they achieve markers of success or demonstrate reasonable efforts to follow through on tasks.

5. Volunteer to help others

If your child is fortunate enough to live in a home where comfort and financial stability are a given, encouraging them to engage in volunteer work creates perspective. While volunteer work is not a typical resilience-building strategy, it helps your child gain an understanding of others' needs, and will build confidence when they recognize that they can be of service to others. Some examples include working on a fund drive to support a homeless shelter, picking up litter at a local park, volunteering at an animal shelter, or coaching a younger student to improve math skills. Gifted children have an abundance of empathy and concerns about fairness and social justice. Volunteer work will appeal to them and fill that longing to better the world. Any meaningful (and safe) activity or effort is valuable and sets a pattern of "giving back" that should last through adulthood.

 

While the above suggestions might be useful, keep in mind that resilience-building experiences can occur without specific plans. Opportunities for unstructured time and play activities can contribute to improved problem-solving strategies and adept handling of complicated situations. Gifted children develop resilience as they navigate social, physical, and learning challenges, whether managing periods of boredom, negotiating disagreements with neighborhood kids, climbing to the top of the playground equipment, or designing their next LEGO masterpiece. When these real-world situations occur, encourage your child to reflect upon the skills they enlisted and what they learned about themselves. The benefits of resilience-building activities are solidified when they can understand how meeting a challenge fuels their personal growth and confidence. And you, as their parent, are best suited to point out their strengths, their adaptability, and how much they have progressed!

Happy Summer!

A Gifted Challenges update: The year that was 2020

It has been almost nine years since I started writing this blog. Fresh out of the blocks as newly launched college students, my children no longer needed my advocacy. My parental involvement in navigating their school's gifted policies was drawing to a close; so was my role as co-chair of the school district's gifted parent advocacy group. As a psychologist who also worked with gifted teens and adults, writing seemed like the next reasonable step. My hope was that a "blog" (offering informational and opinion pieces, rather than personal sharing) would provide another means of supporting families of gifted children, disseminating the latest information found online, and advocating in my own small way for the needs of the gifted. 

I never imagined that there would be so much to write about over the years! 

Gifted kids are STILL overlooked in the schools, weather complicated peer relations, and often perform well below their potential. Families continue to struggle - often alone and misunderstood. Over 200 blog posts later - along with additional articles published online and in newsletters, a book chapter, and numerous workshops - there still seems to be plenty of material! I was a bit distracted... ahem... by the chaos of this past year, and while I wrote fewer blog posts, and focused more on social justice, political divisiveness, and the Pandemic, I tried to tailor articles to the needs of gifted children and parents. I am so appreciative of the thousands of followers on my Facebook and Twitter accounts, where I share information from across the web related to social and emotional needs, gifted education, advocacy, child development, coping strategies psychological issues, and general education. 

Writing is a joy for me, and I hope that some of you find it useful. I have continued to steer clear of website ads or other marketing ploys. I also avoid sharing personal stories about myself or my children - even though, frankly, some of our past experiences leech into my writing. As many of you know, I am vocal about my opinions, such as the importance of ability grouping and acceleration, universal screening to identify gifted children who "don't look gifted," and sorting through the hype about popularized topics, such as growth mindset, grit, and differentiated instruction. I protect the confidentiality of my clients, and when I share anecdotes related to their personal lives, any identifying information is obscured.

Here is some of what I have been doing during this difficult, chaotic year:

1. Continuing to offer psychotherapy, parent coaching, and consultation to schools and parenting groups

2. Working on a book about the experience - both the joys and struggles - of parenting a gifted child

3. Offering zoom workshops for parents of gifted children

4. Considering sending out a newsletter to those of you on my email list. If you are not already on the list, please sign up! 

5. Planning to eventually transition from this Blogspot platform to something more mainstream, such as WordPress (although given my lack of tech skills, this may continue to take a back seat to more pressing goals!)

6. Oh, yes... and like all of you, just trying to "hang in there" and get through 2020.

Goodbye to 2020!

I hope that you have weathered this difficult, chaotic year as well as possible. Many of you have suffered devastating personal and financial losses, and even deaths in your families. Disappointments seem everpresent. It has been an endurance challenge for just about everyone, but I hope that you have been able to hang in there, and perhaps, even experience some positive, unexpected surprises... anything from reevaluating what is truly important to dressing down for work!. 

I wish you all the best for, hopefully, a year of relief, safety, health, and happiness. See you next year!

Parenting in 2020: The "cool mom" trap

We know that children, teens, and young adults face conflicting messages about risks during the Pandemic. A healthy drive for connection is stymied by pressure to remain safe — socially distanced, masked, and armed for battle against COVID-19. We feel for our children, grieve over their disappointments, and frantically search for solutions, envisioning grave consequences to their psyches if they are denied access to their friends.

We hear conflicting advice in the media — everything from rates of COVID-19 spread among children to dire predictions of psychological fallout resulting from social isolation. Without clear guidance or support on a national level, families are left to interpret whatever information is available and make their own decisions. Some choose a strict level of caution regarding their child’s activities. Others develop creative solutions such as “pods” where families convene based on mutual trust regarding safety precautions. Still others ignore science altogether, claiming the Pandemic is a hoax.

Are you a "cool mom?"

While most families muddle through each long day, week, and month, they recalibrate their decisions on the basis of family risk factors, local case numbers, and what needs or demands are most pressing. These daily choices may be complicated by the “cool mom” (or "cool dad, grandparent, guardian, caregiver") dilemma — the pressure to appear invulnerable to worries. We long to be the cool parent who is light on rules, and now, willing to play fast and loose with COVID-19 precautions. Hey, we're not going to succumb to fear. I don't want to be the only parent on the block who keeps my child from parties and soccer games. 

We come from a culture where “being cool,” invulnerable, and even reckless is applauded in film, the media, and most social circles. From an early age, we learn that social approval often hinges upon our willingness to take risks. Those daredevil kids in elementary school were revered. Risk-taking, rebellious teens were admired, and at the very least, seemed to get more dates and boast legendary party adventures. Those who displayed more caution or conscientiousness were labeled as boring/fearful/no fun, even when their behavior was a sign of emerging maturity. 

As parents, we now face similar pressures. Unfortunately, social interactions in close quarters, without masks, are a badge of "coolness." It seems like the "cool parents" are more permissive, letting their kids ignore COVID-19 safety precautions. Often, these are the same parents who allow their kids to “free-range” with little supervision, rarely enforce a bedtime, or provide alcohol at their teen’s parties. We might even envy their cavalier attitude, their seemingly casual disregard for rules and limitations. It feels lousy to be a stick-in-mud, a limit-setter, the conscientious parent willing to weather our child’s wrath over rules. We also want our kids to fit in - especially our gifted kids who often already struggle with peer relations. Our own childhood experiences — of exclusion, teasing, or choices related to risk-taking — also may weigh heavily, imploring us to loosen any restraints, to throw caution to the wind. 

But now, in 2020, amidst so much struggle and disappointment, it is still our job to be the adult in the room. We can admit that, yes, this is a difficult time. We can acknowledge their frustration and distress.  But we still need to safeguard our children's, family's and the community's well-being, model mature and responsible behavior, and remind our children that they will get through this. We also need to protect them from our own anxiety and fears. It's no fun being the uncool adult - but right now, it's part of the job. 

Additional articles about weathering this difficult time:

Five essential guidelines for helping your child during this global crisis

Cultivating tolerance and empathy in our children and students

A lesson learned from the Pandemic

On Independence Day 2020: Tips for families of gifted children

Brave, new, connected, compassionate world

This blog is part of Hoagie's Gifted Hop on "2020: The year of..." To see more blogs, click on this link.