An alternative to misguided parenting approaches from a psychologist and parent
Parenting is tough.
Children try our patience through demands and relentless appeals. Especially gifted children, who are often intense, highly sensitive, and exhibit endless curiosity. But responding with parenting behaviors that ultimately backfire — harsh punishment, inflexible rules, or conversely, attempts to avoid conflict by removing all limits and expectations — create more problems than they solve.
What gets lost in the endless conversations and wealth of articles and books about child-raising is that two basic concepts combine the necessary ingredients for effective parenting: love and limits — the hallmark features of authoritative parenting.
The benefits of authoritative parenting
Raising our two rambunctious boys was challenging at best. Their boundless energy and persistence were a strain.
What kept us grounded, though, was an investment in providing a warm, loving environment and setting clear limits and boundaries.
Almost 60 years of research, launched by psychology researcher Diana Baumrind, consistently highlights the advantages of authoritative parenting… the sweet spot between overly permissive, “anything goes” parenting and a rigid, harsh authoritarian stance.
Authoritative parents are generous with their love and compassion. They emphasize good communication and listen intently to their child (even if they don’t always agree). They provide clear rules and limits that are reasonable and consistent but allow for flexibility when it is best for the child or the family. They can withstand temporary outbursts and even help their child manage and regulate their emotions.
When children feel loved and accepted, despite their flaws and transgressions, and when they are offered a consistent framework of reasonable rules and structure, they feel safe to explore the world at large. Children raised in authoritative families typically exhibit healthy social and coping skills, a secure attachment style, and a positive self-concept.
They know there is a safety net at home, and although aware that misbehavior can result in consequences, they don’t fear harsh punishment. Their parents don’t berate them with demeaning words, shame them for their feelings, withhold love, or terrorize them with physical violence.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends authoritative parenting, and notes its positive impact on behavior and mental health. It is also associated with higher levels of academic achievement.
And positive effects extend well beyond childhood, as described in a study of young adults, where their childhood experience of authoritative parenting was associated with higher levels of life satisfaction.
Authoritative parenting is good parenting!
The downside of authoritarian parenting
Most research has demonstrated the negative effects of authoritarian parenting, where harsh, rigid rules predominate, extreme punishment becomes normative, and it’s “my way or the highway.” As I wrote previously, physical punishment and rigid expectations typically backfire, and can instill traumatic fears, or alternatively, acting out against a home life that feels unsafe.
When children try our patience, it is tempting to unleash our own pent-up emotions; slapping a child, name-calling, and shaming them for their impulses might seem the only readily available response.
Historically, authoritarian parenting was the norm. “Spare the rod; spoil the child” was the dogma generations of families upheld. Physical punishment has been repeatedly identified as harmful. Unfortunately, some parents adhere to this still, whether due to values accrued from their own childhoods, or desperation to quell their child’s burgeoning autonomy (replete with conflict).
They justify shaming or physical punishment since it appears to halt their out-of-control child in their tracks, at least temporarily.
But a harsh, rigid parenting approach typically backfires.
In a research review of different parenting styles, Baumrind found that authoritarian parenting was associated with higher levels of behavioral problems, frustration, and insecurity, and lower levels of social competence.
Children raised in authoritarian homes often feel insecure, angry, and reluctant to seek help when necessary. Terrified of misbehaving, some suppress their healthy drive for independence and follow the family’s rules without hesitation. Others might give up trying to please their family and become angry and rebellious. Many lose respect for parents who seem so distant or demanding.
I have seen these outcomes on a regular basis in my clinical psychology practice, where the emotional pain accrued from living through an authoritarian childhood extends well into adulthood. Authoritarian parenting strategies might seem like a quick fix, but instead, contribute to long-term consequences.
What’s so bad about permissive parenting?
Some parents, eager to reject the authoritarian parenting practices of yore, swing to the other end of the pendulum.
Choosing a more compassionate, child-centered, empathetic parenting approach seems to make sense; children certainly benefit from love and empathy. They need to feel understood, know that their emotions are accepted, and view their parents as safe, reassuring people.
Where permissive parenting fails, though, is when families assume that limits, rules, or consequences might somehow harm their child. They cannot tolerate their child’s anger and may view them as too fragile to accept limits.
But without reasonable expectations and consequences, children sense a power imbalance that is ultimately troubling to them.
Children often feel insecure and confused when there are no rules, when parents allow them to roam free with little supervision, or when they are not held accountable for misbehavior. These are the children who speak rudely to any authority figure, who try (and often succeed) with bossing their parents around, and who use meltdowns and sometimes threats of self-harm or violence to assert control.
In a recent ADDitude Magazine article, licensed social worker Ryan Wexelblatt points out that property destruction, violence toward siblings, or threats of self-harm can occur when limits are absent and when parents always acquiesce to the child’s demands:
“Research shows that accommodating a child’s emotional reactions increases emotional and behavioral problems. Those behaviors intensify when children learn that distress or threats lead to getting what they want… The child learns to use these behaviors to control the home, and the longer they go unaddressed, the more normalized they become.”
Love and limits
Parents can feel more grounded with a clear plan of what to expect, what to overlook, and an appreciation that their attuned, yet imperfect parenting is sufficient.
Research (and common sense) show that expressions of love and compassion, clear and open communication, and reasonable limits are best for both the child and the family. This includes a healthy dose of empathy, a safe and loving environment, an attunement to each child’s unique needs, a refusal to use physical violence or verbal shaming to enforce rules, and a commitment to managing your own emotions.
If you are struggling with how to handle the overwhelm of child-raising, consider seeking help from a licensed mental health professional, pediatrician, parenting group, or other local resources geared toward parenting. And as I wrote previously in my book about parenting gifted children, consider self-reflection and an exploration of your parenting values, along with finding the support you might need as you weather tough times.
Here are a few helpful books about parenting:
Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond behaviors: Using brain science and compassion to understand and solve children’s behavioral challenges. PESI Publishing.
Greene, R. (2016). Raising human beings: Creating a collaborative partnership with your child. Scribner.
Nelson, J. (2006). Positive discipline: The classic guide to helping children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills. Ballantine Books.
Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. Tarcher Perigee.
*Please note that the above suggestions in this article are informational and not meant as mental health or medical guidance.*
A similar version of this article was published on Medium.
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