What to look for and what to avoid
Parenting is a mixed bag of joy, exhaustion, and powerful emotions. It is especially daunting when raising a highly intense gifted or twice-exceptional child. I’ve been there. I’ve experienced it. And I know how valuable sound advice is during times of uncertainty.
But there is a problem lurking in the field of parenting guidance. Enough of a problem, that I am going out on a limb as I write this.
I realize this may piss off some folks. I may receive some nasty comments. I am okay with taking that risk, though, since it is vital that families use intention and caution when selecting resources for their children… and for themselves as parents.
So here goes…
Times have changed
When my kids were in school, parenting resources were pretty slim. There were some great classic parenting books, but that was it.
So, I winged it.
Certainly, I sought advice from friends, pediatricians, and colleagues. And as a clinical psychologist, I was fortunate to have solid grounding in child development and healthy parenting practices.
Even so, parenting wasn’t always easy.
Advice, advice everywhere!
But times have changed, and now, parenting advice and resources can be found just about everywhere: websites, podcasts, webinars, blogs, and social media parent groups.
Some of these resources provide a much-needed breath of fresh air. It can be a relief to find a group of like-minded adults who truly get you and understand your child-raising challenges. Ditto for resources when a child has special needs, such as a medical, behavioral, or mental health problem, a developmental delay, or a learning disability.
Unfortunately, this has led to an upsurge in, shall we say, questionable advice. There are self-proclaimed experts and coaches — many of whom have little or sometimes no actual training in counseling, medicine, or education.
They offer advice solely based on their personal experience, often oblivious to how much they don’t know.
How peer support differs from other types of support
I have no problem with peer support.
In fact, if I had a bullhorn, I would broadcast the value of peer support far and wide.
As a psychologist, I refer clients to support groups and 12-step meetings all the time. I advocate widely, for example, about the essential importance of peer support for families of gifted children, which is a subspecialty in my psychotherapy and consulting practice.
Peer support for families is a powerful vehicle for information and guidance. But whether seeking advice from friends and neighbors or participating in a parenting group, you know you’re receiving advice from your peers.
But here is the problem…
Some folks step beyond the role of peer support to monetize their opinions.
Some may be well-intentioned, kind-hearted, smart, and experts in their respective careers. But they are not trained as educators or pediatricians or psychotherapists or reading specialists or neuropsychologists or any other professional in the field of child development.
Instead, these so-called experts claim expertise based on their own personal experience as a parent. They’re not just sharing personal wisdom; they are claiming expertise.
Some “influencers” start out by sharing their child-raising experiences. They might be great writers or engaging podcasters or social media stars. But their insistent claims about parenting approaches or disciplinary strategies or misdiagnoses are shared with an element of presumed authority.
And for some, there is intentional deception.
There are folks with an alphabet soup of letters after their names, implying credibility. There are allusions to mental health training, when in fact, it is marginal or non-existent. There are attempts to capitalize on others’ vulnerabilities.
So, what’s so bad about claiming the spotlight and giving advice?
When influencers transition into the role of life coach or workshop leader and charge for advice… well, that crosses a line. By hanging out a shingle proclaiming expertise, they deceptively present themselves as an expert and set up a power differential that implies skill, training, experience, and a solid knowledge base. It implies a legitimate authority to guide, educate, counsel, coach, or mentor you.
As a licensed psychologist, my training and experience inform my work. My training also provides the clarity to know the limits of my expertise. (In fact, licensed psychotherapists are not permitted to practice beyond their scope of training and experience.)
Unfortunately, many untrained, minimally trained, or unlicensed folks are not bound by such constraints.
Some boldly offer parenting advice or claim expertise as educators or offer counseling via workshops or individual consultations, despite the absence of training. Some engage in questionable and transactional relationships to acquire or even purchase endorsements.
I personally would not trust these folks. I hope you use caution as well.
So, buyer beware!
Parents are often desperate for support. I get it. I don’t blame anyone for seeking advice, even if the “provider” is persuasive or sounds too good to be true. I sought parenting support from friends, colleagues, and parents of neighborhood children on a regular basis. It is cathartic to share stories and concerns and hear a trusted friends’ advice. Compassionate commiseration has its benefits.
But if you are investing your trust and hard-earned money, pay attention to what the person selling their wares is truly offering.
How to separate the wheat from the chaff
1. Learn more
Seek out referrals from those you trust. Ask questions. Shop around. No coach or psychotherapist is perfect and we all make mistakes. Psychotherapists should be licensed, and ideally, have many years of acquired experience. Licensure laws exist to protect the public; licensed mental health professionals have at least the minimum level of training and must take continuing education classes to expand their knowledge.
Make sure that any life coach has a solid foundation in mental health or education, and not merely a brief credentialing course in life coaching. Ideally, coaching is best when targeting a specific question or problem (such as executive functioning skills, SAT prep, or identifying career choices) and not touted as a replacement for psychotherapy, or “therapy lite.”
2. Trust your gut
If it sounds too good to be true, run the other way!
Scrutinize glossy websites and be wary of testimonials or boasts of outsized results. (In fact, licensing laws restrict psychologists from soliciting testimonials from clients, as this can create a conflict of interest.) Trust your instincts when faced with coercive schemes or where pressure or shaming are used to recruit participants (as I described in this example of weight management coaching).
Be especially wary of folks with only a scant amount of training, or sometimes, no training at all. Or those who use titles (such as a doctoral degree in an unrelated field) to imply expertise in education or medicine or mental health.
Unfortunately, in an era where lying and exaggeration are commonplace and where social media influencers readily offer advice, it falls on us as consumers to read between the lines. Scams and false claims occur in any field (not just politics!). This article, for example, describes a social media icon who proclaimed his status as a monk and spiritual guide, and whose deceptions were eventually exposed.
Take your child’s (and your own) needs seriously by finding someone who is the right fit, whose expertise is credible, and whose guidance you can trust.
3. Consider the value of true peer support
Join a local parenting support group or start one with friends or through your child’s school. Seek out other parents whose child might have similar special needs — whether in specialized areas of interest or due to a disability.
Some parenting groups found on social media sites can be tremendously supportive. But use discretion with how much you disclose about your child. If it involves a sensitive concern, ask the site’s administrator to post anonymously.
If you join a workshop or support group where you must pay for services, make sure you understand the group leader’s role. While they might be charging for their time and energy, clarity is needed regarding whether they possess the expertise to offer you direct advice or guidance.
Your desire to learn more and enlist guidance attests to your investment in supporting your child. Gather all the advice and information you can find. But ground yourself in clarity about the credibility of any outside source before seeking their guidance.
A similar article was published on Medium.
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