What you learn from self-reflection can lead to greater connection
Gifted adults are pretty darned smart. But sometimes, that intelligence doesn’t translate into relationship savvy.
What gives?
As described in Ten Sources of Relationship Stress among Gifted Adults, giftedness infuses a variety of intensities that can complicate matters for gifted people seeking romantic partners or when trying to express their needs in relationships.
Sometimes a tendency toward emotional reactivity, intensity, impatience, introversion or offbeat interests can create barriers and make life difficult for one’s partner.
Sometimes asynchronous development leads to a late start with forming relationships, so that connecting with a partner may seem awkward or overly complicated at first.
Sometimes insecurity or perfectionistic expectations about relationships or a driven, single-minded focus on work can create barriers to even finding a partner.
Gifted adults are also drawn to those with a similar IQ. Often the bottom line involves finding someone you can appreciate and respect, whose intellectual quickness, complexity, and intensity matches your own. However, this merger of gifted traits can complicate self-expression, conflict resolution, or even routine discussions.
There is no quick fix for relationship conflicts. Every couple has their struggles, gifted or not. But self-awareness is critical and is the most important step toward improving any relationship.
These are a few key questions you and your partner might ask yourselves
The questions below can be helpful for anyone; you don’t have to be gifted to reflect on your relationship and relational needs!
As a gifted person, though, keep in mind how your intensity, active mind, and heightened sensitivities play a role.
You might use these questions as journal prompts or as topics to discuss with your partner, friends, or therapist. You might record them with your own voice and then listen to them while walking, commuting, or during spiritual or meditative reflection.
1. What relational needs, fears, and values affect my interactions?
What are my true needs in any relationship?
What do I value most, and what is most important to me?
What are my greatest fears?
What are points of compromise and acceptance when we disagree? What can I accept and live with and what is non-negotiable?
2. Am I responding to my partner based on what they are really saying?
Am I actually listening to what they are saying rather than thinking about formulating a defensive response?
Am I reacting based on my needs and fears?
Am I making interpretations based on any of the following:
assumptions regarding my partner’s motives or intentions
preconceived ideas about relationships based on my upbringing, film and social media portrayals of couples, or my friends’ opinions
assumptions based on past reactions from my partner rather than considering that they might be open to change
peer/family expectations and pressure
unresolved residue from unhappy relationships in the past
fear of loss, rejection, or criticism
a desire to have my partner make up for loss, insecurity, or hurtful experiences from childhood
3. What role do I play in any conflicts?
What is my role in creating or perpetuating conflict in my relationship?
Do I have any expectations that my partner must compensate for negative childhood or relationship experiences? Am I assuming that my partner can alleviate all of my fears and insecurities?
Are gifted traits, such as impatience, heightened sensitivities, intense reactivity, boredom with routine tasks, or existential depression affecting how I relate to my partner?
How are my communications skills?
Am I communicating directly, honestly, and respectfully?
Am I avoiding use of derogatory, harsh, or disrespectful statements (or non-verbal behavior)?
Am I being clear, or are my interactions tinged with subtle (or not so subtle) motives or criticism?
Am I expressing myself before I feel overwhelmed with anger?
Am I using “I” statements to convey my personal experience, rather than pointing out all of my partner’s faults?
Am I willing to apologize when I am wrong?
4. How can I understand my partner’s needs more?
What do I know about my partner’s view of relationships, values, and communication? How does my partner’s family, upbringing, and personal values color their expectations about communication and how they express their needs?
Is my partner able to communicate openly, or do they need time to open up? What are the best times, situations, and approaches for reaching my partner?
5. What can I do to improve my relationship?
What can I bring to the relationship that would improve it? Would it benefit from more openness, self-awareness, time together, time apart, shared interests, romantic or sexual intimacy, humor, or unconditional support?
How can I show my partner that I respect, appreciate, and enjoy being with them, despite the daily and routine frustrations that occur in any relationship?
Is there unresolved anger from a past experience that we need to address and forgive?
When you hit a roadblock
Most relationships run into problems at some point; the challenge involves addressing conflicts early and finding a solution before an entrenched pattern develops. Every couple is different and need to discover what will best resolve the impasse. That’s why most “quick fixes” just don’t work. But asking yourselves the above-mentioned questions, either individually or as a couple, is an important step toward uncovering the problem and finding a solution.
If you cannot work this through together, couples therapy is sometimes a useful option, where a licensed mental health professional can provide objective feedback that will improve your communications. If you are overlooking or excusing very real abusive behavior from your partner, though, your safety is essential. Please to seek mental health guidance or contact your local crisis line.
Learning more about patterns couples face can be found in several classic books about relationships listed below:
Bernstein, J. & Magee, S. (2003). Why can’t you read my mind? Da Capo Press.
Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight. Little, Brown and Co.
A similar version of this article was also published on Substack.
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