Sunday, March 17, 2013

Giftedness and Non-conformity

“I know I’m never going to fit in,” he remarked casually. “And, you know, I’m actually OK with that.” Many gifted adolescents and adults have recognized from an early age that they differed from their peers. Their intellectual skills, ability to easily grasp complex information, rapid pace of learning, emotional intensity and preoccupation with fairness and justice, to name a few, may create a barrier in relationships. But some gifted individuals have been able to accept their differences without embarrassment or succumbing to pressure to conform. They actually embrace their unique qualities, are unapologetically non-conformist, and cannot imagine joining the crowd just to fit in.

When describing gifted adolescents and adults, conformity is rarely a term that comes to mind. Compliments might include “quirky and independent,” “one of a kind,” or “brilliant and unique.”  Less endearing comments are also frequently expressed. “Encouraging him to fit in is like forcing a square peg into a round hole.” "Getting this class of gifted students to cooperate is like trying to herd cats.” The outside world looks on with curiosity and occasional frustration, often questioning how “someone so smart could be so stubborn.” But this non-conformist stance is not typically borne out of resentment or a desire for conflict. Rather, it develops in response to a combination of characteristics most gifted individuals share, including:
1. A drive toward fairness and justice - Gifted children abhor injustice in any form, stand up to bullies, question unfair rules, and challenge undeserved authority. Some gifted individuals would rather fail a class, lose a job, or get knocked down in a fight than compromise their values. Although championing the underdog may be admirable at times, it can certainly irritate teachers, bosses, and other authority figures who don’t appreciate having their rules challenged or their weaknesses exposed. 
2. High expectations for self and others – While some gifted individuals may be underachievers, most maintain high expectations for themselves, sometimes manifest as perfectionism. Along with this, they expect others to hold these same high standards. When they encounter unethical behavior, suboptimal performance, or inadequacies that can be corrected, they find it almost impossible to maintain respect or comply with what is expected of them.
3. Creative and inquisitive – Gifted individuals thrive on learning, engaging in creative pursuits, exploring new ideas, developing new concepts and inventions, and seeking the meaning of life. They shun rote learning, routine explanations, and simplistic ideas. Slowly paced instruction and boring, routine activities are torture for them. They challenge traditional explanations and concepts, and find new, inventive approaches to solve problems. While innovative and ground-breaking discoveries develop as a result of such creativity, bold challenges to the status quot can ruffle feathers and fuel conflict.
4. Greater sensitivity – Many gifted individuals possess heightened emotional sensitivities that result in stronger reactions to events and greater empathy for others. They are often strong-willed and strive for autonomy. These emotional characteristics, coupled with the likelihood that they have felt out of sync with their peers throughout much of their academic career, all contribute to the development of a non-conformist style. 
Gifted individuals of all ages have to grapple with the implications of their non-conformity on a regular basis. Unique, different and quirky, gifted individuals’ behaviors can be confusing, off-putting, exhilarating, a welcome relief from the norm, a target for bullying, or a model to be emulated. They may be viewed as opinionated and controversial, and may be misunderstood, envied, or perceived as a threat by those around them.  Gifted individuals benefit from learning how and when to best assert their views so that they can have the greatest impact, create the outcome they desire, and form healthy and meaningful relationships. Learning to harness their creative energy and non-conformist spirit with patience and compromise may help them to reach their goals.

Most important, though, is self-acceptance. When you already know you are different, it is healthier to embrace the positive aspects of this fact, than to bemoan it and wish you could be someone else. Gifted individuals can express their unique talents and maintain healthy relationships when they learn to accept and appreciate their differences.

25 comments:

  1. My gifted oldest son was such a nonconformist I wrote a tune all about him which became a huge hit at his school. It was called the Nonconformist. Years later, I was still receiving thank you mail from kids saying "Your song defined my life and told me who I was. No bully could touch me!" After all that magical feedback, I decided to write another Nonconformist song (a positive rap) for older kids. It's amazing how one simple word (and in our case a story within a song) can help make a young person feel special, not odd. I say hooray for the nonconformists! (haha am one myself.) Thank you for your lovely thoughts.

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  2. My gifted oldest son was such a nonconformist by 2nd grade that I penned a tune all about him called the Nonconformist which quickly became a huge hit at his school. It turned being "different" into the new cool. Everyone wanted to be one! Years later, after bucket loads of feedback like "Your song defined my life and told me who I was. No bully could ever touch me!" I decided to write another Nonconformist song (a positive rap) for older kids. It's amazing how one simple word (and in our case a story within a song) can help make a young person feel special, not odd. I say hooray for the nonconformists! (haha am one myself.) Thank you for your lovely thoughts.

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  3. What a wonderful and creative idea for providing support and encouragement. Music bridges so many divides and eliminates the "dissonance" when one's self-perception does not fit the norm. Hope your music continues to help those non-conformists out there.

    Gail

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  4. OMG!! this article was totally about me.. though Noone ever said me that I am gifted; nor I ever felt, like gifted..

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  6. Christine,

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  17. Hi, I am a mother of three gifted girls. After a journey full of struggles and tears, we are now on our way to find back some stability. Our children are now attending an international school, and they are gradually finding their confidence back. What is good about an international school, is that there is already a huge diversity of children and approaches. Blending in, is so much easier. It does not solve all the problems, for gifted children, finding friends at the level of depth that they need, is almost impossible. My heart breaks when I see how loney they are.

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  18. Anonymous, Thank you for your comments. It is so hard to witness the loneliness these children experience. Hopefully this new school will help them. Good luck.
    Gail

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  19. In regards to #2, may I add that even many of the underachieving gifted are also perfectionists/have high standards for themselves; it's just that they are so hung up on it, or burned out, or used to their intelligence being the only valued thing about them, or whatever, that they eventually come to decide that it's better to not turn in an assignment at all than to turn in something not up to their standards (i.e., you can't fail if you never try).

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  20. I agree that many underachieving gifted individuals are perfectionistic, and give up because they cannot achieve the standards they have set for themselves.

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  22. It's strange to me that any of the qualities should be considered a problem! I don't see why wanting to do one's best, correct solvable problems, and promote kindness and equality should ever be considered to be anything other than admirable. If everyone did that, the world would be a different place.
    I am gifted, btw........

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    1. Good points, Meredith. All of those qualities you mention are wonderful - but sometimes gifted people choose to act on them when society does not approve. Especially hard for adolescents. Thanks for your comments.

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  23. Thank you for the insightful post! This resonated with me to the core, I have always known I was "different" and was told that I am "too sensitive" due to my profound emotional reaction to situations, especially where injustice and undeserved authority apply. Many of the challenges I've experienced throughout childhood and struggles within the workplace have been related to being higher functioning/gifted. I have resigned from various corporate positions due to blatant inconsistencies, cutthroat tactics, bullying, hypocritical and unethical practices/authority figures! I also have a son who has been tested to be "gifted" and it pains me to see him going through the same scenarios that I was once in. I'm thankful that I can help him through this process as I have come to understand who I am and in turn can offer support in this regard!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous, Thank you. So good that you have so much awareness of how your intellect and sensitivities and concern for justice affect you, and can then compassionately guide your son. Good luck.

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